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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 12/12/2018 16:42

That’s a lovely idea Kewcumber

Trinity66 · 12/12/2018 16:44

It wouldn't bother me but then I know my DH isn't a slacker, he wouldn't be doing it to get out of anything and he would have pulled his weight before and after that. So yeah you're the only one who knows your DH and who can say if he's being U, I get why he'd like to go and do something to remember his DM though, must be sad for him to be with all your family and missing his own (eventhough he likes yours too)

MyGirlDaisy · 12/12/2018 16:45

Perhaps as Christmas Day gets closer he realises how hard his first Christmas without his mum will be. So, although you spoke about it previously the reality of being surrounded by his in laws, no matter how fond he is of them whilst having no family of his own may just be hitting home now. It’s most likely the pub will only be open between 12 & 2, let him have an hour with his friends and put lunch back half an hour. My father in law passed away on Boxing Day a few years ago, the following year my DH did a charity fundraiser Boxing Day afternoon, it was almost as if he needed to do something completely different, still really feel for him every year since.

LoubyLou1234 · 12/12/2018 16:47

Discuss and see if he can adjust the time or maybe change the time of the meal?

He probably is being a little selfish but grief is a weird little thing and we all deal with it so differently. He may need just a little breathing space on the actual day and being with his friends for an hour may help him handle things a little easier.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 12/12/2018 16:48

Simple solution is have the meal after the children’s naps.
The children will probably be ready for a nap a bit earlier anyway as it will,probably be an earlier wake up and lots of excitement. Give them a small snack at 11 and lay down for a nap at 12. Oh does his hour in the pub whilst they are down and you also get an hours peace to chat to your family then 1 to 2 all hands to the pumps to get the meal ready to eat at 2. Wake children 10 minutes before if not already awake and then all eat Christmas lunch.

AnotherPidgey · 12/12/2018 16:48

As long as the pub is not going to become a long standing "tradition" and he's not going to disappear for hours and come back inebriated, let him have the escape from family life.

Move the dinner later and give some buffer time for him to get back. It's fair to have some concession at a difficult time, but not to abdicate completely from his immediate family.

Bootikin · 12/12/2018 16:51

Looks like OP has disappeared off to the pub herself, doesn’t it?

68Anon · 12/12/2018 16:55

Your husband wants to go to the pub for one hour to toast his Mum who he was very close to and you're complaining about having to host, cook and watch your children for one hour (although your family could help you).
I'm sure your husband would swap places with you if it meant he could see his Mum for one hour on Christmas day.
You're being very selfish, you will be surrounded by your family and he will be wishing his Mum could be there. Let him go for the hour.

toolazytothinkofausername · 12/12/2018 16:55

Let him go to the pub, and get a relative to help you with kids/cooking.

Littletabbyocelot · 12/12/2018 16:57

To me it depends on why your family can't help by entertaining the kids for that hour. If it's because you're hosting and you think it's your responsibility then ask them. To me family Christmas is about everyone mucking in. If it's because they will just sit there and not help, I would rearrange the day to make it work for you and DH and they can live with it.

If it's because they are too old / frail then YANBU. I lost my dad earlier this year but both my in laws are seriously ill. I'm very conscious that my first without my dad could well be his last with either parent and I cannot make those times all about me. In this instance he should find a way to support you

puffyisgood · 12/12/2018 16:59

there's a lot going on here.

i have Irish family, it definitely used to be the thing there not to celebrate the first Christmas after a bereavement, e.g. no cards, pretty much nothing, and it still is a bit.

does OP's husband really want OP's family round? really?

i'm inclined to think his wishes should be respected. perhaps he could get up a bit earlier that day to do a bit more food prep.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 12/12/2018 17:00

I'd eat later.
Go to the pub yourself and cook whilst the kids nap.

Strongmummy · 12/12/2018 17:01

Go to the pub with him .

kateandme · 12/12/2018 17:02

it interesting to see the differing views on this.i think it depends whats the norm in the family.but then I think is it the norm because some wives ( my mum ) just got on with it once,twice and then for so long that it ok now... :/

ClaireAnne1976 · 12/12/2018 17:05

I wouldn’t have an issue with him going to pub for an hour but 11am seems more fair. You can hardly do all the last minute cooking (hardest bit) and entertain and m8nd the kids at that time.
Alternatively he can take all your guests and the kids to the pub at 12 so you can cook in peace, this would also mean he’d be under more pressure to be back on time.
I’m sure this will be a tough Christmas but it doesn’t give him carte Blanche to behave however he likes.

twoundertwo54321 · 12/12/2018 17:05

If I were you I would agree and I would change lunch to an late lunch after the kids naps so maybe 3? And do a brunch at 10

kateandme · 12/12/2018 17:06

yes also I think it gots to take into account thinking about it what is the reason you don't actually want him to go.a reason or principle?and how much he has helped out and been there previous to going out.
plus its chrismtas if family are coming and they are able then all muck in.

twoundertwo54321 · 12/12/2018 17:06

Sorry just to further explain if you do lunch when the kids wake up they won't be tired and grumpy and you get the peace and quiet of them napping to get the food ready. Makes more sense in my opinion.

aconcertpianist · 12/12/2018 17:06

@ilikeknitting What an awful thing to say and I sincerely hope you have said that just to draw attention to yourself.

If not, you really do have some issues and I pity anyone who has to rely on you emotionally. Quite seriously, you really do need to get rid of the sourness you have just displayed because with that attitude, I really can't see how you are bringing any happiness to anyone.

I'm going to believe that you really don't believe your foul and ugly remark and that the OP has the sense to ignore it.

Rockbird · 12/12/2018 17:07

Failing to see how the pub is featuring in his need to think about his mum. He can raise a glass to her at home surely. If he was taking an hour out to visit a grave etc then fine. But are you sure it isn't just a way for him to get out of the house and leave you to the chaos?

Yesitwasmethistime · 12/12/2018 17:09

I'm surprised at how many people think your DH is BU.

I think YABU and should make dinner later or get your parents to help mind the kids/serve dinner. Ordinarily I wouldn't say that but it is his first Christmas without his mum so I think you ought to make adjustments for him.

waterrat · 12/12/2018 17:16

Blimey let the man have a pint on Christmas day. Why get so worked up about such minor things..

Rachelle3211 · 12/12/2018 17:18

This would not bother me at all. I think it's nut how many people here have zero compassion for the dh. He has no family and lost his mum. He's spending the entire day around your family. Surely your family can help with the kids for an hour and the rest will be done ahead of time.

glitterelf · 12/12/2018 17:19

My husband will be going to the pub too with his brother and our son to raise a glass for they're dad / grandad. Tbh it's easier for me that they go to so they are not under my feet. As it happens his mum has taken a bad turn and is now in hospital too and he's facing losing her aswell so who am I to begrudge him a pint or two.

SalmonLeBon · 12/12/2018 17:21

Christmas lunch at 1 with babies still at napping age is a really bad idea. Christmas lunch should be a relaxed affair, not one to be rushed through so little ones can be bundled off for naps. Have the main meal post nap, gives you more time to prepare and less stressful when DH is not there for an hour of it. With a house full of other relatives to help with food prep, child wrangling etc, you should be able to wave him off to the pub without problem.