"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

They just don't want to do the thing and are on mumsnet.

I guess it’s something you have to experience because reading it here it doesn’t sound too bad to me.

It's called being polite. What she actually means "I am free but I don't want to spend my time with someone who clearly doesn't like me."

Overthinking much? It's I just a thing people say

I say it when my "plans" are to stay at home and watch trash TV, because I'm I've had enough of socialising for a bit. It means I can let someone down gently without actually lying.

It sounds to me like you just don’t like her. It’s a perfectly polite and reasonable thing to say!

I often say this, not because I'm secretive but if you start explaining to people what you are doing they quite often start coming up with solutions as to how you can attend both things, or suggest a reason why you cancel the other one. So I just don't say what it is.

Why do you want to spend time with her when you think she's secretive, bragging and stuck up? Sounds like she's got the measure of you and would rather not waste her weekends in your company.

Maybe she’s worried if she tells you what the plans are you’ll try and join in, fit around them or say what you want to do with her is better.

You clearly don’t like her at all so why are you trying to meet up?

Yeah, my plans are a bacon roll in Ikea and then buying some dishwasher tablets and cheap plonk in B&M.

I'm not giving up my bacon roll for anyone. Soz.

I say it because I don't suppose anybody cares what my plans are so why bother describing them?

I say this sometimes - I had no idea it could be perceived as a brag. It usually means I have to do something fairly boring instead. I imagined saying I had plans would sound less offensive than saying 'I'd love to come out with you, but I've got to shampoo the carpet tomorrow."

I often say this, not because I'm secretive but if you start explaining to people what you are doing they quite often start coming up with solutions as to how you can attend both things, or suggest a reason why you cancel the other one. So I just don't say what it is.

^This. She just wants to say no, politely, without JADE-ing. You sound a bit pushy, OP.

Privacy isn't secrecy.

Maybe she doesn't want to say 'sorry, can't come today, I'm having a colonoscopy to find out why I have so much diarrhea.'

Or she can't find a politer way of saying she doesn't want to spend time with someone who clearly dislikes her.

She doesn't have to justify her every waking hour with you for you to judge if it's important enough to not see you.

Would you rather she said “We’re free Saturday, but I’d rather stick pins under my toenails and kick the wall than waste the day on you” ??

Would you rather she just said No, as no is a complete answer but not as polite.

I have a friend who complains and thinks people are bragging when they do say what their plans are. You cannot win. YABU

Yes! I have a friend who keeps everything close to her chest and she comes away with things like this. She mines info and gossip out of other people but you get nothing from her. Last time I worked out it was because she had to take her son to a soft play party so more unglamorous than I originally thought.

@Lucked yes, you get it! It's like they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do that are so precious to them.

I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her but come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

Perhaps she and her partner are secretly swingers. ‘Plans’ is a euphemism for ‘fuck session with a couple from Grange-Over-Sands’.

But she doesn't want to! You sound like you're put out that she doesn't want to spend time with your families together at the weekend but she's perfectly within her rights to not want that. I don't want to spend my limited down time with another family either, I totally get where she's coming from.

At least she didn’t come up with the mumsnet trope of ‘that doesn’t work for me’

(not sure I am using ‘trope’ correctly)

I don’t believe that you have to tell anyone anything, it should be sufficient that you say you have plans. It wouldn’t be any different to someone saying that they were away then, without revealing where or why. You shouldn’t have to justify yourself.

YABU. She's being polite. Or she thinks you are so pushy that you would try to find a way to overcome or fit round her plans, and she doesn't want that.

She doesn't want to see you at the weekend. She wants to spend time with her partner and not with you. Maybe her partner doesn't like you, or doesn't like doing the same things you like?

Anyway, she's being pretty clear here. You say you do like her and already get to spend a lot of time with her. Take the hint and stop pestering her to see you at weekends.