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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

435 replies

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere · 18/11/2018 09:52

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

OP posts:
KingsScorn · 18/11/2018 10:40

Oh. I've always taken 'having plans' to be the opposite of glamorous - things that sound too boring to mention e.g. need to catch up on sleep/force myself to do some laundry/might do that DIY job I've been putting off/go food shopping/might go to the cinema/do everyday things that requires time so I cannot just sit around and have a coffee and chat...

marcopront · 18/11/2018 10:40

My ex once told our daughter he couldn't talk to her for longer because he had "to go somewhere and do something". Now that was annoying, he wouldn't get away with it now.

Juells · 18/11/2018 10:40

Do you take everything this personally?

The OP doesn't like to be told 'no'.

AlpineButterfly · 18/11/2018 10:41

@abacucat currently DH has two days off a month. There is almost no one that I will interrupt that time for

ginyogarepeat · 18/11/2018 10:41

You just sound jealous that you don't have plans, OP. Your posts come across as sneering and bitter, and I can't blame the family member for not wanting to spend time with you.

Go make your own plans and stop caring about what others are doing!

SoyDora · 18/11/2018 10:41

Also, how many times is this happening that it’s an issue for you? Haven’t you got the message that she doesn’t want to spend weekends with you yet?

Threewheeler1 · 18/11/2018 10:43

treaclesoda
I often say this, not because I'm secretive but if you start explaining to people what you are doing they quite often start coming up with solutions as to how you can attend both things, or suggest a reason why you cancel the other one. So I just don't say what it is.

Exactly this.

Willow2017 · 18/11/2018 10:44

Talk about overthnking!

She doesnt have to tell you what her plans are.

She doesnt have to spend time with your family at weekends. (And you seem awfully keen to do the 'perfect happy families together' thing yourself whether she wants to or not)

She wants to spend time with her family doing thier own thing at weekends not spending them doing what you decide.

Get over yourself.

abacucat · 18/11/2018 10:44

Alpine A bit different from every weekend which was being discussed.

happypoobum · 18/11/2018 10:44

I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her but come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

So why do you keep asking her then? You are coming across as very thick skinned.

Is it possible either she or her DP don't like your DP?

Either way you need to take a step back.

I agree totally with this sentiment I say this because like treacle if I tell people what they are they’ll start telling how I can reorganise myself so as to do what they want me to

Kintan · 18/11/2018 10:44

I though this was a normal neutral inoffensive way to turn down an invitation - no idea it could be seen as a 'stuck up'!

Xenia · 18/11/2018 10:45

Some of u s have many plans every day. Most of my days I have something in each hour ear marked even if just work and I don't regard that as bragging. Also never give reasons. It is the same with salesmen - don't tell them why you can't take the extra parts with teh car etc as they are taught in sales school then to use your answer against you. Last time I just said - I do not have to give you a reason. That took the wind out of his sails!

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 18/11/2018 10:45

Is there actually a single phrase that can be used without offending someone

Franinipancake · 18/11/2018 10:46

I'd take from that they obviously like to spend weekends doing family stuff on their own. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and why would that bother you? Make plans with other people instead. YABU.

Birdie6 · 18/11/2018 10:46

come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

Sounds like she simply doesn't want to "do things together quite easily". Why should she ? I'm on her side - I really like spending time with my own children and partner, not with others. Maybe she is the same. Why should she have to tell you her reasons ?

fieryginger · 18/11/2018 10:48

Honestly, I've said this when I don't want to do something because I've been feeling mentally unwell and don't want to admit I've been struggling. It's been nothing to do with feeling superior, the exact opposite actually.

I've had mil on my doorstep and not invited her in because I'm not coping (she's great, but really full on, hard work). I wish people would drop a text if they're "popping in", yes I might want to put them off, but being prepared that they're coming would be really useful from a MH standpoint.

This sounds horrible reading it back but it's nothing personal to friends and family, it's my bad, not theirs.

OffToBedhampton · 18/11/2018 10:48

What @SoyDora said. And other PPs.

everydaymum · 18/11/2018 10:49

I don't think she's implying anything. Maybe they actually have plans. Why do you need to know what they are? My DH works such long hours that we have no time to do anything as a family during the week, so we keep weekends for us and relatives. I rarely see friends on the weekend. They understand this and don't see me saying "sorry we have plans" as me implying I have a perfect life and do exciting things - just the opposite, they know we have no family life during the week and weekends are our only time.

SilentIsla · 18/11/2018 10:51

I agree, OP. It’s a bit daft to be so secretive. Those people hope you imagine they’re doing something exciting. Lol

Willow2017 · 18/11/2018 10:51

It's the 'we' bit. She does indeed sound smug.

'We' as in me and my family have plans is smug?
Really?

BirdieInTheHand · 18/11/2018 10:52

So much meaning imported into the words "we" and "plans". Totally bizarre Confused

It's a totally normal response and good shorthand for "I'm hanging out with the family doing low key stuff and I'm very happy about that".

Occasionally also to be used when I'm doing something really exciting but the person asking will call me out for "bragging" behind my back if I tell the truth.

RedRoseReb · 18/11/2018 10:53

I don't find it offensive personally.

As used in the examples Xenia above its a definitive statement that declares your intent and often ends the exchange.

What it's NOT is particularly polite or kind! It's assertive and that's fine.

SoyDora · 18/11/2018 10:54

‘We’ is smug?!
I think I live on a different planet to some people.

Glowerglass · 18/11/2018 10:56

Maybe she doesn't like your children?

Stop asking her if she is always busy at the weekends. That's her thing.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/11/2018 10:56

Definitely sounds really stuck up.

If someone asks me to do something and my plan is to sit in front of a Netflix series drinking coffee and eating chocolate then that is what I say.

Saying you have plans sounds at best dickish and definitely rude.