"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

Why the hell does anyone think another adult has to explain what thier plans with thier own family are every time they arent free to do what someone else wants to do?

I didnt realise i had to provide a 'suitable reason' for not doing something. (Nor fend off someone trying to tell me how i could rearrange my plans to include them)

I think it’s less braggy

As per PP YABU.

I say it and it generally means 'We have plans that are important to us/me but that you won't see as important so will get the huff that I'm sticking to them over your invite'

So it might be that we've had a lot on at weekends lately and have made a pact to keep that day free for family time, that I want to do some crafting, that we're going to the cinema or whatever.

Oliversmumsarmy - surely it's a lot ruder to say "sorry I really don't want to spend my weekend with your family" than just a vague, neutral "we have plans".

My weekend plan is not to see any friends/family.

From your posts OP I get why. She doesn’t want to spend her weekends with you and why should she. You obviously think people should do as you wish and you assume the worst of people if they don’t do what you suggest.

An invitation can be accepted or refused and you should be gracious enough to accept either answer without projecting some idea that she’s being ‘smug’.

Maybe she doesn't want you to know what she's doing in case you turn up and ruin it with your jealousy.

I doubt the OP is coming back, probably a name-change as well!

OP, YABmassivelyU.

It's funny but that response is tends to be used for people who won't respect others boundaries or feels that their wants are somehow more important than the other persons.

Most people if they know that their choices are going to be respected do actually say why but they won't if they know the person will try to change or pass comment judge their choices, or worse do that I'm upset you your too busy for me response!

If I say 'Sorry we have plans today' I generally mean 'sorry, I'm not coming out because I've had a long week and I need to do the washing and argue with DD about her homework, do some of my uni work and odds and ends that are going to sound like excuses if I actually tell you what my plans are'

See my user name.

I’m getting paid to do a PhD. It’s my job. People think that means I’m sitting about all day doing fuck all and can move plans around willy nilly.

If I’m reading a complicated piece, I don’t want to be disturbed to have to tidy up or get biscuits in or get ready and go out.

Same with writing. Although my house goes to an arse when I’m writing and it can be pretty bad (3 loads of washing piled on the sofa).

But people don’t understand that it’s work. They think I can just go out whenever and I get pissed off so I tend to just say “sorry I’m busy” or “I’m doing something already”

I say this when my plans are to not have any plans! I currently have "plans" every Saturday night - bath, pyjamas, bottle of wine and strictly! I'm not giving those plans up for anyone but on the other hand feel awkward when someone asks if I'm free Saturday saying "yes but I don't actually want to do anything".

I also say this, because I don't want to get into a 'negotiation' or to have to justify my plans. I'm not free, end of.

I also say this, because I don't want to get into a 'negotiation' or to have to justify my plans. I'm not free, end of.

Yep, same here. No way am I going to start a long conversation about what we're doing, why, when, etc. Thankfully, the vast majority of people accept that without going into a strop. People say it to me too when I suggest something - I just accept it and move on.

This post could've been written about me - do I know you OP????

I use this all the time and at weekends doing things with my DH and DS will ALWAYS come first because we don't get to see/do much together during the week.

I spend time with friends if I'm free, but if I'm not then quite frankly it's none of their business what I'm doing.

I don't need to justify myself to anyone.

What's the difference from sorry I'm busy, or I can't do that day/activity? Or got to see a man about a dog?!

Formality/ tone.

Well @Oliversmumsarmy
.... Saying you have plans sounds at best dickish and definitely rude.

Of course it doesn't & isnt! It simply means they have other things they want to do (which may include mundane chores or downtime without visitors!) and are being polite. Or that they are talking to someone pushy who usually won't take No for an answer. Or they can't remember exactly but know it's a full weekend. Or that they don't want to say. If they wanted to say, they would!

"I've already got plans" is maybe something you'd expect a partner to expand upon but anyone else, no, they shouldn't have to explain if they don't want to (whatever their reason)!

Gosh there is a minority of entitled people on this thread this morning!

Got to see a man about a dog is very clever as it refers to the banality of the private plans!

Also some people do plan ahead, others more flexible and do whatever on the day

My dad used it all the time, everything from going to the shop to being away for a week. He would tell you if you asked, but that was a default.

I just don't understand why anyone has to explain to you why they're not available, and why their unwillingness to do so must mean they're boasting. If someone wanted me to go out with them now, I could go into a long explanation about how I need to do the shopping, do some cleaning, go to see my mother, etc etc. Or I could just say "Sorry, can't do today" which, frankly, would be considerably less boring for both of us. But apparently if I said that to you, you would decide that I must be trying to imply that I have to do something incredibly exciting and glamorous. I just don't understand how you make that connection.

I say “sorry we have plans” for a variety of reasons

• I’m doing something amazing and don’t want to be seen as boasting
• I’m doing something with mutual friends and don’t want the interogator to know
• I’m doing something boring and can’t be bothered to explain the tedious details of how my mums friend’s daughter needs someone to feed her cat and doesn’t know anyone because she recently moved to my city.
• I have no plans but I don’t want to see this person

I think it’s very telling that OP thinks her friend could “very easily” do things together as both families on the weekend. And friend very clearly doesn’t want to.

OP, find another friend with kids who would actually enjoy going taking their family to the beach with yours or whatever it is you want to do. This one makes plans (or ‘plans’) for her weekend.

Saying you have plans sounds at best dickish and definitely rude

Aahahaha!! No. It doesn't. LMAO.

We can't plan for overly sensitive types who get offended at everything. Lordy.

I’ve realised I say this prob to one particular person more than others because she sometimes struggles to accept I’m saying no and likes to join in when really I’d prefer not. She’s a lovely friend but a little younger than me and socially sometimes misjudges things in a way. Hard to describe. Also has 2 young demanding boys who my much older dc are fantastic with but it’s all a bit too much sometimes. But sometimes my plans are v boring but I haven’t got the energy required to see her yet. I do hope I don’t come across as snotty but I can see how it could be a snub.