"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

I have a friend like this and it makes me think they're doing something really exciting. In reality she was taking her daughter to the dentist and then off for school shoes.

@IdiotsIdiosEverywhere

PMSL take the hint OP! She doesn't wanna spend time with you. She also doesn't HAVE to.

I say 'sorry we are busy, no can do,' every time, if I want to avoid meeting/socialising with people I don't like, or don't want to spend time with.

One woman me and DH know (an ex colleague of his!) asks us for a meet-up/coffee every couple of months, and although we have met her 3 or 4 times, the last 3 times she has asked, we have put her off. She is OK, but talks for England.

The last time, me and DH spent 2 hours with her. She talked for 1 hour and 50 minutes of that time. We hardly got a word in edgeways. We were exhausted - every time! And all she does is talk about herself, her dog, her cats, her (adult) children, her grandkids, her issues at work, her husband, her sister, her mother, her MIL, her neighbours, her car, her trip to Gran Canaria, her new shed, her conservatory she is having built, her trip to M & S to get some food in, a whole list of everything she bought, the money she spent on a Christmas tree, (how tall it was, and how many decorations she bought,) her health issues, her piles, how much she paid for her home contents insurance, how much her pet insurance has gone up, her neighbour's shed blocking her light between November and February, her addiction to cocodomol, her mate Jan not texting her back even after 10 texts she sent her.....

You get the idea.........

I also put other people off who I don't want to spend time with or don't like. (Usually both!) I don't owe anyone anything, and this woman owes YOU nothing OP. So, as I said, take the hint. She doesn't want to socialise with you. It's also got nothing to do with you what she is doing with her weekend (and with her life.)

As some posters have said, NO-ONE has to explain themselves to nosey, intrusive individuals who demand to know why they won't socialise. It's got fuck-all to do with anyone if people keep themselves to themselves.

And your spiteful comments about people and their 'little family,' are making you sound bitter and catty. And it's becoming more obvious each time you post, to see why people avoid you.

Someone messaged me once asking what I was doing and I told them. She then messaged “oh great we will meet you there!”
Ergh.

This happened to me - said I was going down to the coast for a week and had hired a cottage and lots of my friends and family were dropping in through-out the week - she said how wonderful me and my family will come down as well - I was just stunned, ignored her for a week - she then cornered me asked for the post code and turned up mid week - she planned to stay the night and I had to make up some shit that we were going out to dinner with local friends and she said are we invited to that as well - I had to say "No" and was trying to shoo her out the door at 6pm (she arrived at 10am) getting the kids to pretend to get ready to go out - she then swiped the bottle of red she had given me in the morning - after I had fed and watered her family all day.....

i do this, i do it so people won't tag along / decide that they would like to see the people we're doing stuff with (which sometimes happens) we arranged a weeks holiday overseas a few years ago, and the third wheel (who is perfectly nice, but not to spend a week on holiday with) booked into a nearby hotel at the same time and was turning up every day...

I wonder why people can’t just be open and say what they are doing.

Would it have been so dreadful to just say sorry dds got to go to the dentist then we are going shoe shopping.

PMSL you can tell who are the pushy annoying individuals are on this thread, who don't like it when people don't want to socialise with them!

"We are planning to have copious amounts of sex, lie around the house in only our underwear, eat junk food and watch trash TV"

Nope, think I'll continue to say we "have plans" OP, until you get that we don't want to socialise at the weekend.

I’m working (I work from home on a flexible schedule)

Awh you can do that another day can’t you just call in for half an hour/meet me for a quick coffee/do that another day your granny is missing you / we will only call in for 5 mins ....

Some people are not 'open' about what they are doing because..

1. It's got fuckall to do with anyone else.

2. If they say what they are doing, the intrusive person badgering them will try and find a way to still make them see them.

3. Take the hint, they don't like you/don't want to spend time with you.

I like it. I think many people feel they have to explain too much and give excuses. We shouldn't have to. Much better to be direct and polite.

exLtEve you could miss out the trash TV if it's a bit embarrassing!

I also used the "Sorry I am busy" line with someone else who had no boundaries and was always pushing for loads of my time one on one to drone on about their hideous marriage - I once got back a passive aggressive - "You're so busy, busy all the time". I just ignored that. Before I had said I am having a hair cut and was questioned - "What on a Sunday - are there any hairdressers open?"

I personally wouldn't ask someone with a partner and kids to do something on a weekend. They will be wanting to do things with them, see family and do jobs/errands.
I think generally once someone has a partner and kids its all about them and friends and extended family are way, way down the list.

I'd just stop asking her to do things OP, and just see her when you have nothing better to do. Your not a priority so don't make her one.

I kind of get you, OP. I think it's a phrase I couldn't bring myself to use in spoken language. I'd say "Sorry, I'm busy/have loads to do on Saturday/I'm already doing something". We have plans sounds formal and weirdly sort of American?

Working at home is hard for some people to get their head around, I agree!

As has been said, even if you DO tell the pushy person trying to make you socialise with you what you are doing, they STILL mither and badger you and try to get you to socialise with them. So many people learn to just say 'we have plans..' And as I said, it's no-one else's business anyway.

If someone keeps saying no to you (and doesn't give a very valid reason,) TAKE THE HINT!

Me and DH work long hours in the week, hardly see each other let alone the kids. Have extra work at the weekend (both in education). Weekends are our time, mostly for marking and housework but at least we all do it together. I would tell you, "sorry, we have plans" because it is all extremely tedious and tbh lots of people don't seem to 'get' how busy we are and try to argue the toss. I wish it wasn't so, but that's how things are right now and I wouldn't put up with anyone quizzing me about it. It wouldn't occur to me that someone would think I am being smug and trying to have them guess what I was doing. I don't think I'd be friends with a person that thought like that.

“If someone asks me to do something and my plan is to sit in front of a Netflix series drinking coffee and eating chocolate then that is what I say.

Saying you have plans sounds at best dickish and definitely rude.”

Thing is, there are undoubtably people out there who would find it dickish and rude if a friend would rather stay in and watch a 24/7 streaming service than come and spend time with them.

(Not me btw. I’m an anti-social cow)

Saying you have plans is nice and neutral. You’re not rubbing it in anybody’s face if you’re off out somewhere exciting and you don’t want them to come, or risking hurting anybody’s feelings by saying you’d rather do nothing at home than meet them for a drink.

Tone is all. Just to educate those of you who are hard of hearing.🙄

I don't quite get your ire. You explain in your post that you know why she is saying this. You know it is because she has decided weekend time is family time and doesn't want to share it with anyone else.

So you know it is her polite way of saying, ' Sorry but I don't want to.'

Why are you pretending that she is making out she has an interesting life? She isn't. She is just avoiding saying, 'I don't want to meet up with you at weekends.'

I get that is irritating when you want someone to socialise with. I hate my husband and I would love to find someone to hang with with my kids at the weekend so I can avoid him. But there you go, You can't force people to socialise with you at times they don't want to.

Plus. The work I am doing can be intense. So having someone round would involve tidying up / getting dressed and going out the same.

I’m working today I don’t intend to get dressed or do dishes or tidy up. But because if what my job is, people,don’t understand it and thing I have nothing to do that doesn’t matter if I move it. It’s very annoying.

I am not keen on people who simply want to spend every weekend with their own little family,

Yes those utter bastards doing what they want to do!

Think.

And other corrects. Sorry. Crack on screen.

petbear

I think you only needed to mention point 3.

Must admit I have dropped people when they say that as I do take it as a piss off I don’t like you reply.

I say that because otherwise I get a load of questions and then opinions on why I shouldn’t be going there if they hated it last time ,, , I just don’t like having to explain myself