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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

435 replies

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere · 18/11/2018 09:52

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

OP posts:
CS12345 · 18/11/2018 10:30

It's the 'we' bit. She does indeed sound smug.

Smallplant · 18/11/2018 10:30

"We've got plans" is a completely normal thing to say. You sound really jealous of this woman OP, and overinterested in her life.

I agree she's not saying what she's doing because she's worried you'll try and invite yourself/your family along.

SoyDora · 18/11/2018 10:30

even though our families could do things together quite easily

I don’t understand this. Just because they could, doesn’t mean they are in any way obligated to. Or want to.

abacucat · 18/11/2018 10:30

Jane I would ask what they are doing too. Mainly because I want to know if it is genuine, or a rebuff.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2018 10:30

Gosh, such vitriol. You actually come across as if you feel you're entitled to know what she's doing and feel she should spend time with you if and when you please.

Honestly. Give your head a wobble as you don't sound very nice. You've got it arse about face. It's not you who is entitled, it's her, she's entitled to not have to tell you her plans and to spend the day with your family if she doesn't feel like it.

borntobequiet · 18/11/2018 10:31

It’s what I say, when I have plans. Or sometimes when I don’t, but want to do whatever I feel like, in my own time.

RedRoseReb · 18/11/2018 10:31

Overall though if op is still here yabu to worry about this.

Just don't bother with them at weekends.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 18/11/2018 10:32

Why on earth does “we” make it smug? People do things with their families you know?

Smallplant · 18/11/2018 10:32

How is saying you have plans a brag Confused

Juells · 18/11/2018 10:32

abacucat
I am not keen on people who simply want to spend every weekend with their own little family, and rebuff any attempts to see family and friends.

God forbid that anyone should do what they like on the weekend.

This thread is an eye-opener for how many fucking control freaks are out there, resenting other people doing what they want.

sossages · 18/11/2018 10:33

I think it implies the thing you're suggesting isn't important enough to constitute "plans" - as though spending time with you is something they'd only be doing if there was nothing else on. I tend to say "other plans" or "I already have plans" as I think it better conveys the impression that I would love to do X with you but have already committed to doing Y, what a bore (even if X is watching paint dry and Y is an all inclusive cake testing holiday with bonus puppies)

However...if you are often asking to do stuff with her at weekends and she always says no, I'd assume she is one of those people who thinks friends are only for killing time during the week, and stop asking.

luckylavender · 18/11/2018 10:33

It's clearly none of your business. She doesn't want to tell you & there may be lots of reasons why she can't commit.

TrickyKid · 18/11/2018 10:33

Really? I think you're over thinking. I would say that, i don't assume that they are really that interested in what I'm actually doing so don't usually bother saying. It's certainly not said as a snub and I don't take it that way if it's said to me.

OffToBedhampton · 18/11/2018 10:33

What PPs have said.

  1. It’s a perfectly polite and reasonable thing to say!
  1. I often say this, not because I'm secretive but if you start explaining to people what you are doing they quite often start coming up with solutions as to how you can attend both things, or suggest a reason why you cancel the other one. So I just don't say what it is.

Maybe weekends are family time and she doesn't want to meet up even if your view is I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her but come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

Because She doesn't want to!!

It'd be less stressful for you OP if you stop reading unkind things into it, as you are coming across as pushy and not respecting her right to spend free time as she wants.

Fwiw I use exactly that phrase with pushy friends or relatives, who won't take No for an answer. It's bloody annoying otherwise to bat off someone who wheedles anyway when I've said 'No thanks'. So it's possibly more that she says that phrase due to your past behaviour and attitude than ..they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do that are so precious to them

Also so what if she has a perfect life and lots of exciting things to do??! It's her life! Those exciting things might be they are tired & want to stay in PJs all weekend with DC & DH watching Netflix or / going out together just to the park.... Or go to an activity event that she's worried you'll invite yourselves along to instead of the quiet family adventure she'd planned!

MrsJayy · 18/11/2018 10:34

Do you not want to spend time with your own family ? you seem desperate to spend time with this person who is trying to be polite but you are not taking the hint and turning it on her being snooty or whatever.

Ozgirl75 · 18/11/2018 10:34

I say “plans” in the following scenarios:

  1. The thing I have to do is boring and I can’t be bothered to explain it
  1. The thing is private and I don’t want to give details
  1. The thing is convoluted and I can’t be bothered to explain
  1. The thing is convoluted and I think the other person will be bored by my explanation
  1. I don’t want to have to justify what I’m doing or have the person explain why I actually do have time to do their thing.

If I’m doing something exciting or fun I’m much more likely to tell them what it is.

epicclusterfuck · 18/11/2018 10:34

I think it's because when she says 'we have plans today' you hear the added subtext 'and they don't include you'

gamerchick · 18/11/2018 10:34

I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her but come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

She is perfectly within her right to not give you her weekends as well. It sounds as if you need clear boundaries. Hmm

Maelstrop · 18/11/2018 10:35

Don't see the problem here. My go to excuse is the dh is home this weekend (shift worker). I never have to explain further and I'd be annoyed if someone queried me.

SoyDora · 18/11/2018 10:35

I am not keen on people who simply want to spend every weekend with their own little family, and rebuff any attempts to see family and friends

Err... what? People can do what they want with their weekends! Some people are so bloody controlling. If my friends want to spend their weekend with their family, great. Good for them. Many families don’t see much of each other during the week as they’re busy with work/school etc. I wouldn’t dream of trying to control how others spend their weekends.

mylightbulbmoment · 18/11/2018 10:35

I say this because like treacle if I tell people what they are they’ll start telling how I can reorganise myself so as to do what they want me to

gamerchick · 18/11/2018 10:37

I say this because like treacle if I tell people what they are they’ll start telling how I can reorganise myself so as to do what they want me to

Yep I do the same. Never tell people what you are doing or you end up in a tiresum back and forth conversation while dying to say 'look, fuck off will you' Grin

mumonashoestring · 18/11/2018 10:37

Some people can't take no for an answer - if you said 'I'm tired and I want a lie in/an afternoon watching the rugby' you'd be berated for being boring/lazy.

'I haven't had time to do housework through the week and I want to get plenty done on Sunday' gets you a lecture on making memories, prioritising, or a guilt trip about not spending enough time together, or again being boring no matter how miserable the state of your house is making you.

Or it could be that you know you're going to be trying to get a dead rat out of your downpipe, or having wretched period pains, or trying to get the kids to bed early so you and your partner can have sex, or you're flat broke and don't want to talk about it, or you're going to a fetish club...

Do you take everything this personally?

NotUmbongoUnchained · 18/11/2018 10:38

Someone messaged me once asking what I was doing and I told them. She then messaged “oh great we will meet you there!”
Ergh.

Antigon · 18/11/2018 10:39

Why do you keep inviting them when they clearly don't want to meet you on weekends?

You think you 'could do things quite easily' with her and her family but she clearly doesn't agree! She clearly doesn't crave company in the way you do.

You need to buy a clue and let her get on with it.