Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

435 replies

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere · 18/11/2018 09:52

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

OP posts:
MaryJenson · 20/11/2018 08:25

Eg:
‘we’re going to the park and then a pub lunch’
‘That’s sounds good, we can all go together’

No they want to be alone for whatever reason. Stop asking!

everydaymum · 20/11/2018 08:40

OP seems to feel for some reason that she's owed details when others are busy and maybe has issues with her own plans (or lack of), if she finds others people being busy as 'braggy'.

TibetanMountains · 20/11/2018 08:46

And 'we have plans' is not business like or stuck up at all. Its plain English.

Had she said 'darling - I have back-to-backs all day Saturday and an offsite all day Sunday, lets pick this up offline' - that would be another thing.

MaryJenson · 20/11/2018 08:47

😂😂 TibetanMountains

Amazonian27 · 20/11/2018 08:56

I think a lot of it depends on the tone the ‘we have plans or already have plans’ explanation is used and the frequency etc.
A boy DS went to primary withs mother would use this frequently and she would say it with a smug expression on her face. As though whatever you are offering/inviting me to I am not interested I would rather boil my head than spend any weekend time with you. She was also a FB bragger in the extreme and still is.
No need to be mean to OP but honestly I would take the hint that she doesn’t want to spend time with you on a weekend maybe her DH is moody or dislikes you or maybe she has friends who she sees on a weekend who are much more well connected or she sees as more useful than you. You have offered and been snubbed. Her loss move on.

Willow2017 · 20/11/2018 09:08

Claudia1980
Why is it anyone elses business what my plans are at any time?

Why should i have to justify why i cant meet someone?

"I have plans." Is perfectly clear and not insulting anyone in any way. If you are offended by someone not willing to explain themselves to you, (and who made you arbitrator of what someone else should do at weekends?) then you have the problem not them.

iIcouldsleepforaweek · 20/11/2018 09:13

I say this all the time. I just don't think the person usually wants to know all the details of what we are doing. I've never thought anyone would consider it snobby or secretive- very odd

feathermucker · 20/11/2018 09:20

How odd.

She has plans. It's that simple.

Or, she doesn't want to spend time with you. I wouldn't be that keen to be honest given your attitude

ImpendingDisaster · 20/11/2018 09:20

It's a normal thing to say. I only offer what the plans are when I really like the person, haven't seen them for a while and want them to understand it's not personal, but that's my own idiosyncrasy.

Mind you, I always have to tell my MIL what the plans are. She's devious and will weave here way in. I do like her, though.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 20/11/2018 09:47

Why would someone saying they had plans be ‘stuck up’ or ‘bragging’?? Why’s it wrong to want a bit of personal time at the weekend?

ghostsandghoulies · 20/11/2018 10:12

I use the phrase all the time. It means one of the following

  1. I don't want to spend time with you but want to let you down gently.
  2. I'm doing something boring. I don't want you to think that you are less exciting than the mundane task.
  3. I'm doing something great and don't want to brag.
  4. I don't want to be judged about my plan. It might be private.
  5. I need time at home doing nothing. I love my own company.
  6. I'm doing something with the kids and don't want extra company.

In your friend's case I suspect one of the following

  1. Someone in her family doesn't like someone in your family.
  2. She's not as into you as you her. I have lots of people that I'm happy to see Monday to Friday but don't think about at the weekend.
  3. Weekday you are very different to weekend you. On weekdays you two might be child-free and enjoy leisurely coffees and shopping but walking around National Trust properties on a weekend (which is what you may do with your kids) might bore her.

Anyway, I would personally write off this relationship as weekdays only. She needs you to get that hint and having plans is polite but firm.

ralfeesmum · 20/11/2018 10:32

It's reasonable and polite and that's all you should expect. They're not required to supply a detailed and convincing reason why they can't oblige, are they?

And they haven't blanked you, so just sit on your hands and let it pass over you.

Cath2907 · 20/11/2018 10:48

I say that when I mean "I don't want to do stuff with you on that day / at that time OR I don't want to do the thing you are suggesting and can't be arsed to argue".

Often I don't have anything planned but I prefer not to just say "I'd rather hang at home with the kid doing nothing than meet you in Birmingham for a spa day and have to leave kid with her dad".

blahblahblah18 · 20/11/2018 10:59

God I loathe people like the OP. "You don't want to do things with me that I want to do? You stuck up loser, I hate you".

Arrogance, narcissism and viciousness all in one ugly little package.

Nearly47 · 20/11/2018 11:00

From some of the answers I gathered that the people who say that don't really the other person much.
I ,personally, would never would use that phrase to a close friend.

Willow2017 · 20/11/2018 11:04

Ghost
Or maybe the friend is fed up having to explain to op that she has other things to do at weekends which involve her immediate family whether they are 'exciting' or mundane and 'we have plans' is quicker and easier than explaining over amd over that her weekends are hers to spend how she wants to not for op to dictate?

RidingMyBike · 20/11/2018 11:05

I’ve started having to say that (or that we’re busy). I used to say ‘we’re going to do xyz’ but have found since having DD that a couple of DDd’s friend’s mums then want to muscle in on whatever weekend activity is. And I don’t want them there. I don’t like them that much and I don’t mind spending time with them on a weekday when DH is at work and I’m looking for something to do with DD but I don’t want them butting into our family time. They tend to think that our DHs would get on brilliantly (I doubt it) and want gatherings of at least two families which just sounds grim to me. Plus, different income levels - I can’t afford some of the stuff they want to do.

yve62 · 20/11/2018 11:23

Personally, I feel the OP has had a lot of unfair comments on this thread. The likely reason she is affronted by this comment is that she would never use it herself. I would never be able to say 'I have plans' without feeling I needed to expand, so if I met with this response it would come across as dismissive or a bit cold to me especially from someone I felt was a close friend/relative.

BumbleBeee69 · 20/11/2018 12:34

I totally get why people are reluctant to detail their plans. I have a certain friend who is a massive extrovert and can be very pushy. I will get asked what my plans are - and if I am honest she will find 'free spots' - which she will then try and push me to join what her and her family are doing.

Either that or she will try and rearrange my existing plans so it fits in with what they are doing.

I have a friend like this, I tell her nothing of my Plans for this very reason, a mere crack in my time she'll shove her ideas in forcing me into include her and her kids.

Now, I say Sorry we've got plans.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 20/11/2018 12:52

People who want to know what others are up to, think I have plans is rude.

People who say I have plans OTOH, think people who want to know what they are doing are being rude.

OP thinks her friend is rude. I'd wager friend thinks the same of OP.

foodenvy · 20/11/2018 13:54

I’m not a fan of fixed plans at the weekends. Weekdays are so full on and busy that if we plan to do something at the weekends it’s often last minute so suits us to do things by ourselves. It’s nice to have a break from socialising.

BumbleBeee69 · 20/11/2018 14:30

my doing nothing on a weekend, is Me having Plans Grin

foodenvy · 20/11/2018 14:58

I also think it depends how close you are/how long you’ve been friends. If you’re very good friends/close family members then I can understand why you would be hurt by the “we’ve got plans” because isn’t that something that friends talk about, their plans?!!
It does just sound like she likes doing her own thing with her family at the weekends so I would accept that she’s free during the week and lower my weekend expectations of her.

juneau · 20/11/2018 15:04

That's what I say when:

  1. I don't want to share my plans with someone because they have form for pushing themselves into my plans; or

  2. I/we don't actually have plans, but I/we don't fancy joining in whatever you're suggesting.

iwantasofa · 20/11/2018 15:06

She could be doing anything. Visiting a terminally ill parent. Anything. It's not personal.
Anyway you could just say "Oh lovely! Anything nice?" and then she'll probably tell you, won't she?
Some people just do organise their weekends way ahead of time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread