"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

You sound suffocating. You already spend a lot of time with her but want her to give up her weekends too? Get a grip and a hobby.

It sounds a bit odd to me too but I'm not sure why.

I imagine a modern day Hyacinth Bucket!

I'd just say we like to spend every Saturday the same way 'cos we're dull!

I protect my weekends quite fiercely as DH and I work FT office hours, and the sequins are at school. The amount of people who don't get that I like my kids and husband, and want to spend time with them (and just them) is astonishing. Not a humble brag, not being superior, but if I give reasons it becomes 'oh it's only for a few hours' or similar, trying to talk me round. So I don't explain, I politely say no thanks, and suggest another time to meet up. Our plans may be all of us sleeping late, hanging round in our jammies all day, watching telly, and reading books, but the extroverts and their plans don't get to trump our down time. It's actually quite rude of them to try!
All that said, if she's just a gossip miner, I'd leave her to it.

We have plans for today - catch up on some sleep, pop to the supermarket, DH needs to submit his assignment, tidy up. It's nothing amazing but to turn down an invite I'd be an idiot to give that list of plans!! It's all necessary stuff and it will take all day with 2u2

I say it sometimes too, like PPs I find that if you go into detail about what the plans are people will try to find a way for you to do both things. It’s easier to just say you can’t. I don’t see why I should have to justify that 🤷🏼‍♀️

To be honest though it sounds like it’s not necessarily the phrase that’s bothering you, it’s her as a person.

I dont understand why you are expecting them to explain themselves to you. You asked, they gave an answer, you dont need to know what they are doing

I just think it is a polite and assertive way to say No. Nobody has to say Yes to everything.

If someone was convinced that I was trying to pretend I was better than them because I said " we have plans today" I would carefully back away from the crazy person
(Disclaimer light hearted and not a dig at mental health)

At some point if you pulled this silliness with me we would be having a discussion about why you believe you are entitled to know my every movement and to back the hell off

Op give the person space they don't have to spend time with you if they don't want to (can't possibly imagine why that could be )

You sound like a fucking lunatic.

I say this to people when I have plans that day. It’s a pretty self explanatory phrase.

It's like they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do

Wow, I would never have got that from 'sorry, I have plans' - do you think that's just more just how you interpret her general attitude?

Because that phrase says to me 'I don't want to hang out with you' or 'I have to clean the house today because I've been working all week and my teen DC are lazy little shits but I don't want to offend you by saying I'd rather clean up and/or I don't want you to know how unhelpful my DC are'.

They just don't want to do the thing and are on mumsnet.

This. 100%.

i agree it's probably because she knows you will try and join in or you will suggest she manages what you want her to do plus her plan.

You just sound very resentful and quite bitter. Instead of focussing on your relative and I'm wondering what's the relationship why not focus on sorting out whatever the reasons are for your jealousy of her alleged perfect life.

It could also be saving your blushes , on the odd occasion when we are child free frankly the plan DP and I have is to spend the time in bed....err reconnecting shall we say

Presumably you would be pearl clutching if what they said was " sorry but we plan to shag each other's brains out so basically a better offer ...toodles " ?

Maybe they want to do things on their own 🙄

"It's like they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do that are so precious to them."

You got all that from 'plans'?

Honestly, I think this might be more you than her. She just wants to have some time with her family, who probably are 'so precious' to her. Don't you ever just chat (with genuine interest) about what she's got planned for the weekend when you see her in the week?

I am not keen on people who simply want to spend every weekend with their own little family, and rebuff any attempts to see family and friends.

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere
Lucked yes, you get it! It's like they are trying to imply they have a perfect life with lots of fun and exciting things to do that are so precious to them.

You really have a huge chip on your shoulder. I like being at home, don't want to socialise, but some people won't accept that it's OK to do nothing at home. So I trot out the "Oh sorry, that doesn't suit" or "I have plans today" excuse.

Would you rather she said "I don't like you, and I wish you'd stop inviting me to things, but I'm too polite to say so"?

@Aridane

Don't worry, if you didn't someone will be on here soon to tell you!

YABU. You'd have to seriously insecure to translate 'we have plans' into 'we have a super-exciting life full of awesome activities which we aren't going to tell you about because they are much too grand for the likes of you'.

Previous posters are absolutely right- she either a) has no plans but doesn't want to come to your thing or b) does have plans but cba to go into details or thinks you might consider her plans an insufficient excuse not to go to your thing and try to persuade her to come anyway.

If I tried that the other person would ask what I was doing. I must know a lot of nosy people.

I don't get why it's a humble brag either.

But "plans" can mean anything. I wouldn't assume it was something glamorous. They could be cleaning the house, going to the tip, etc. Weekends are often the time people have for sorting this stuff out.

I actually do like her and spend a lot of time with her but come weekends she doesn't want to know even though our families could do things together quite easily

Because she doesn’t want to? Because she wants to do things just with her family? How is that difficult to understand?
I love my friends and their families. I don’t want to spend every weekend doing things with them and their families. Sometimes we have ‘plans’, sometimes we just want to relax together in the house. I’m glad my friends and family don’t expect us to explain ourselves to them!

There are many issues here.
All yours.
She’s being perfectly polite and reasonable
You’re being weird

But if people say "we have plans" as a cover for " I don't want to hang out with you" or "I'm embarrassed admit the dull things I prefer to get on with and wish to protect my reputation" then perceiving it as a dishonest phrase is hardly so crazy!