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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 06/10/2018 07:57

You are being completely reasonable. The norm is still to change your name on marriage (although you don’t have to). Your stepdaughter will just have to get over herself.

Holidayfromreal · 06/10/2018 07:57

Take his name, at 13 she should be old enough to understand that that's generally what happens when people get married.

LeGrandeFluff · 06/10/2018 07:58

Rather wierd thinking on dsd part. However why not suggest a completely new name to your fiancée, for a new partnership? He may not want to because of his daughter however.

runsmidgeOMG · 06/10/2018 07:59

Is this just a misunderstanding from DSD point of view? Maybe she thinks there should only be one (her mum) I'd kindly talk to her and say that whilst her mother will still be referred to as such, her DF is marrying you now which entitles you to the same name. She might find this hard to process, it can't be easy for a teen watching their parents get remarried so tread carefully and be kind :) congrats on your upcoming wedding

Ignoramusgiganticus · 06/10/2018 08:00

Perfectly normal. Ask her whether she'd prefer you to take his name or for him to take your name. That might make her think.

NonaGrey · 06/10/2018 08:00

Her paternal Grandmother is Or was also Mrs X as are any aunts or cousins who married into the family.

And unless it’s a very unusual name there are lots of other women out there called Mrs X.

Her Dad needs to have a chat with her, she sounds like she needs some reassurance and attention.

OneEpisode · 06/10/2018 08:01

You get to choose your name, I just wanted to say it isn’t the norm in all social groups in the UK. It’s not the norm at the top of the social/education hierarchy; (for example Elizabeth Windsor) and it is not the case for all ethnicities/religions. None of my Spanish friends change name for instance.
You can choose.

kitty1013 · 06/10/2018 08:03

Of course you can take his name if you want to!
I have a DSD and a DSS, I married their dad when they were 6 & 10 respectively, this was 11 years ago. From my experience there are some things that are open for debate - what's for dinner, what shall we watch at the cinema , etc, and then there are "grown up " decisions eg what house shall we buy, what will my married name be- where you have to be clear that these are decisions her dad and you make jointly, you will keep her informed but it's not her decision to make.

As you travel through the teenage years you need to know your boundaries. It can be easy to want to bend over backwards to keep them happy to show you are not an evil stepmum but then it all backfires , as they can't make all the decisions! You'll end up feeling resentful and walked over. There is a balance. This one isn't her decision to make. Just let her know what's happening and then discuss it no further.

Hope that doesn't sound harsh! I hope your fiancé is with you on this. You must always present a united front.
Kxx

AuntBeastie · 06/10/2018 08:03

Just keep very gently explaining it to her and she will come round. It’s just an adjustment for her.

LaBelleSausage · 06/10/2018 08:05

I came here thinking that you and the ex had the same first name so upon marriage to your DP there would suddenly be two Petunia Higgenbottoms (or whatever your name might happen to be) which would be a little strange.

If its just the surname then not strange at all.

I can understand why she would keep it so she has the same surname as her kids but that’s no reason for you not to take it!

flumpybear · 06/10/2018 08:05

You're doing no bad deed here! I've only just realised my ex step mum would have been in the same name situation, it was never even considered or thought of - perhaps it's just one of those things children think about that's not really a thing - can her dad talk to her?

ZenNudist · 06/10/2018 08:05

Change your name if you want.

This is a non-issue. 13yo is wrong and will have to get over it. Get her dad to talk to her and explain thiz is normal.

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 08:06

I strongly suspect the thought has been planted by her mum. They divorced several years ago and I met DH2B about a year after the divorce. She hasn’t had a long term boyfriend, maybe she doesn’t want one, but she hasn’t quite moved on and has tried to make things difficult in the past. I’ve heard she’s not entirely happy about our marriage. She stalked me for a little while although I think that’s stopped. She did turn up at our wedding venue at exactly the same time as we did for a wedding meeting. She was there for a coffee with friends! Erm!

So I think this idea came from mum to be honest.

OP posts:
NeeChee · 06/10/2018 08:07

I wouldn't want to take my partner's name for this reason, ExW is still Mrs "Smith", and that kind of puts me off. Also, not sure I even want to be a Mrs lol.
But, everyone is different, it is entirely up to you :)

JenBarber · 06/10/2018 08:07

Why is the ex still Mrs X? Has she kept the name of a man she divorced? If so it sounds as though she's not over the break up and getting her daughter to meddle.

That's odder.

Ignore. Do your own thing.

JenBarber · 06/10/2018 08:09

Just read your update. She still thinks she's his wife.

She stalked you? Nut job. I'd run from the lot of them.

sandgrown · 06/10/2018 08:10

I kept my married name when I got divorced so I was the same as my children. When OW married ex Dh I am.not sure she liked being the second Mrs S but who cares!

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 08:10

I guess she still wants to be Mrs ... because of her daughter. I’m divorced and couldn’t wait to get rid of his name (I have an older daughter) but everyone is different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 08:12

I’m not the second Mrs .... I’m the only one married to him, or soon will be. She can call herself it, but she’s not his wife. No seconds here.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 06/10/2018 08:13

I wouldn’t stress about the name. It’s not really about that - you and your fiancé need to talk to this girl and make sure she is comfortable about the marriage. Of course you won’t put it off to make her happy but she is either feeling torn beciase if loyalty to her mum or she’s not totally happy about this.

Figure it out, make sure she isn’t feeling left out and make sure she can cope lethal any negativity from her mum.

Divorce is really hard on children. Some will need counselling to work through all he emotions. Make sure this girl knows you are in her side and understand this is tough for her and her mum.

Dhalandchips · 06/10/2018 08:13

@jenbarber I've kept my ex's name purely because I don't want to pay for a new bloody passport! Definitely over him!

Kr1stina · 06/10/2018 08:14

Why is the ex still Mrs X? Has she kept the name of a man she divorced? If so it sounds as though she's not over the break up

Em I’m guessing because it’s now her name as much as his. And it’s her child’s name.

She CHANGED her name. She didn’t borrow it like a library book.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/10/2018 08:15

I would sign myself as "The Current Mrs X" if ExW is going to be chintzy .Wink

Sounds like it is from ExW . I'm sure your DSD has friends who are in families with Ex / Step/ family members.

FrancisCrawford · 06/10/2018 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule · 06/10/2018 08:18

If I divorced, I'd keep my married name because I want to have the same name as my children. (Unless the divorce was acrimonious.)

She will just have to deal with it. Don't bring up the subject again but if she does, just say something light like 'Although the woman traditionally changes her name to her husband's when she gets married, she doesn't have to. However, I'm choosing to.'

If you were feeling particularly evil, you could always ask her if she'd feel more comfortable if her dad changed his name to yours Grin.