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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
3out · 07/10/2018 23:54

Surely people have heard of first/second/third wives/husbands before? There was even that fabulous film, First Wives Club

MadameFireweed · 08/10/2018 00:11

If ever I need to refer to my ex-husband's current wife I call her 'his current wife'. Simples.

boux · 08/10/2018 00:21

Bees - she could equally just say Sophie is her husband's daughter with his ex wife though. And it wouldn't be weird if she was the "first" wife anyway because people can have children outside of marriage.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 08/10/2018 00:34

Well this has gone well hasn't it? Grin

OP I'd think hard about soon to be DSD before you dismiss her own voiced concerns to you by attributing them to her mum. You don't know that. You might be right but you might be wrong and, as a minimum, surely it's worth being mature enough, child centric enough, and caring enough to ask her how she's feeling?

Children cannot dictate things but they absolutely should be listened to and HEARD - you seem to have dismissed her without a second thought?

And you were 'STALKED' by the first Mrs huh? What was the Police outcome on that? Hmm

Riojasmooth · 08/10/2018 05:56

I wouldn't waste time thinking about it. DSD is old enough to have already known this. If she just hadn't considered it before then she'll get over it, but it's definitely not her call to make.
If you and DP want to get married and share a last name then good for you! I can't believe how much it seems to wind people up on here.
I always wanted to share my husbands name. My DD from a previous relationship changed hers by deedpole too. And I definitely live in 2018.

Santaclarita · 08/10/2018 06:21

I'm pretty sure it was planted by the ex, even before your update. I could understand if you had a bad relationship with the daughter, but it doesn't sound like you do. It sounds more like she's repeating something her mother said.

I would still get her dad to speak to her, and see if he can find out where this came from. If it was the ex, then he needs to have a word with the nutter.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 08/10/2018 07:03

Yep, no 13 year old has ever had an opinion on their step mother's marriage that wasn't planted by a bitter ex.
Hmm

PillowOfSociety · 08/10/2018 08:03

A 13 year old girl will be very affected by her Dad re-marrying, however settled she uscwith the whole situation.

Of course she will think about a step mother having the same name as her Mum and in one corner of her emotional teenage brain it will twang a string that goes “Dad is replacing my Mum”.

icanbewhatiwant · 08/10/2018 08:33

Same for us....I took my husbands name. Ex wife (divorced 20 years ago) still has the same name. Now step son has married and his wife has obviously taken the name too. It’s not a common name either. If mother in law was alive she’d obviously have the name too. It’s normal isn’t it? You could always double barrelled your names. We did our 2 surnames for our 3 sons, as we weren’t married when they were born. So their wives will (presumably) take on the double barrelled name. We did say when we married that my sons could drop my old surname from their names, but they didn’t want to. Feels weird that our children have an extra name on the end though.

Itisabigworld · 08/10/2018 09:21

Remembering back to when I was a child in this position that her fears are to do with her fear that you are entering onto her mum's territory? She needs reassurance that her mum will always be her mum no matter what.

SummerHoliday79 · 08/10/2018 09:41

My dad has been married twice to women of the same name, so far more confusing than this Grin

For example my mum is Mrs Mary Smith (second wife) and his first wife is Mrs Mary Smith. Everyone gets on well so finding their seat at a wedding is hard work Grin

Santaclarita · 08/10/2018 11:56

Yes and there aren't ANY bitter exs out there capable of this kind of pettiness are there? Hmm

Considering this one has stalked the op and turned up at their wedding venue, are you seriously thinking she's sane? Because if you think that's normal, what do you think is abnormal?

lexi727 · 08/10/2018 12:00

Your step daughter can just get over it, IMO. She's being ridiculous.

BeatriceBee · 08/10/2018 12:20

I would say take your new husband's name if that is what you want to do. I kept my ex's surname when we divorced and he, almost immediately, re-married. He already had two children with the new lady but they were too young to know what was going on, although our daughter was 14 at the time and she didn't think twice about it. Anyway, I hated my maiden name, so reverting back to that was unthinkable. I have even kept the same name when I re-married, as it's important to me that it's the same as my daughter's and my new husband is not fussed about it, so that's okay.

Lweji · 08/10/2018 12:29

Surely you also have the same name as your STBH mum. And I'm sure it's not a problem. Or ever was for his first wife.

It looks more like your SD is worried about you taking her mother's place.
Even recently, but after 6 years of separation from exH due to DV, DS said he'd want us to get together (reported by a judge, not to me directly), so maybe she was still hoping that they could get back as a couple and you marrying him shuts down that possibility.

Keep talking.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/10/2018 13:04

Considering this one has stalked the op and turned up at their wedding venue, are you seriously thinking she's sane?

Well, we only have OP's opinion that this as out of sorts...apparently it's a place where people also meet for coffee. But tbh I thought something was off with that. If she really was stalking them then someone must have told her they were having a wedding planning meeting at that time. Who would tell her that and why?

And if nobody did, maybe she really was just meeting friends.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 08/10/2018 13:13

Because if you think that's normal, what do you think is abnormal?
I think insisting that you are not someone’s second wife when you quite clearly are/will be, is not very normal. Since you asked.

PillowOfSociety · 08/10/2018 16:30

icanbewhatiwant Many, many people don't consider it 'obvious' at all that a future wife or DIL will take a husband's name, that a MIL has the same name as her son, or that children will take their father's name.

It is still pretty normal, and of course people can do what they like, but people have much wider choices and can use them. So 'obvious' or 'presumably' - no, not any longer.

A woman can pass on her surname just as easily as a man. A man can change his name to his wife's just as easily as the other way round.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/10/2018 17:47

A man can change his name to his wife's just as easily as the other way round.

Not really. Men don't have the legal right to be known as their wives' surnames, which is what this really is. Married women don't really change their legal names, they just have the right to go by their married ones. If a man wanted to change his name he would need to do it by deed poll.

If there was a free, easy, legal, popular and socially acceptable way for men to change their names, I suspect that a fair few would do it. It'll never happen because it'll always be seen as effeminate but if it really was as easy and acceptable as it is for women, I'm pretty sure it would happen.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 08/10/2018 18:19

That's not really accurate.

There isn't a legal right to be known by your married name any more than by any other name you choose to change yours to. You can call yourself whatever you want provided you're not doing it for the purposes of deception. That name will be your legal name. And actually, nobody legally needs to use a deed poll to change their name: there's no statute or case law requiring this.

Now, because the general public are more used to women changing their names on marriage and also because the law relating to surnames and titles seems to attract a disproportionate amount of people making shit up, it's easier for a woman to change her name on marriage than a man. But this isn't because of the law.

Now I would certainly advise anyone who wants to change their name to have some manner of document, purely because of all the computer says no that they'll likely encounter without it. Institutions increasingly like paper trails. But even if a man isn't able to achieve this with a marriage certificate, he can make use of one of the free, legal and easy deed poll forms that can be downloaded from the internet. This is barely more effort than a woman changing her name on marriage needs to go to.

Social acceptability, on the other hand, yep still a long way to go there.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/10/2018 18:48

Thanks for the correction, PaulDacre. I had read in a couple of places that that was the case ("assumed name"), and it seemed to be true since I had to provide my marriage certificate to change my name on my driving licence and elsewhere.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 08/10/2018 19:01

Legally you didn't have to. But institutions, even ones that are part of the state, increasingly have their own requirements for documentation that normally go above and beyond what the law requires. That is, nothing. So what you can realistically do ends up being dictated by policy and paper trails, instead of your legal rights.

dawnacorns · 08/10/2018 19:24

Interesting that some people are quick to agree the ex must have planted the idea that the dad should be upset. Imo most 13 year olds wouldn't truly be over the moon about a parent remarrying. The exw keeping the surname isn't evidence at all that she's not over the ex, it's very normal.

dawnacorns · 08/10/2018 19:25

dsd should be upset! autocorrect

AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/10/2018 19:42

I don't think it actually matters if the ex did plant the idea. The point is, the child is upset about the issue. She deserves to have her feelings on the matter acknowledged and validated at the very least rather than just being told to "get over it" because Daddy's marrying someone else. She'll already be living a changed life every day because of the adults' decisions.

Of course they have the right to make these decisions, but they should not forget that she is affected too and has pretty much no agency in the matter. OP doesn't have to acquiesce to the name request if she doesn't want to (though I think it might be worth considering if it helps relationships) but she should at least recognise that the child has a right to feel this way, and her feelings do matter.