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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 06/10/2018 08:20

Not a discussion that needs to be had with dsd, or at least not by you, if she insists on discussing get her dad to talk to her.

scarbados · 06/10/2018 08:20

Why is the ex still Mrs X? Has she kept the name of a man she divorced? If so it sounds as though she's not over the break up

Because when she married him it became legally her name and it's up tp her if she keeps it or changes back. I kept my first husband's name because it was what everyone around me knew me as, it was easier to spell and it was the name my children used. I was well over the break-up before it happened!

sandgrown · 06/10/2018 08:22

Sorry OP not being goady but in my case OW and ex DH made my life a misery and I know she hated the fact I kept my married name. Your DSD is old enough to realise that this situation is not uncommon . I suspect her DM has been winding the situation up.

Uncreative · 06/10/2018 08:23

Would it help if you explained the very formal, traditional approach to her? In other words, you will marry Mr John Doe so become Mrs John Doe. Her mother divorced Mr John Doe and therefore became Mrs Jane Doe.

Either way, it is totally your choice whether you take his name or not. I don’t think you should give much consideration to the opinion of a 13 year old on this particular subject. But given that you are concerned enough to post about, I’m sure you will work hard to be a good step mum and consider wherever appropriate.

Uncreative · 06/10/2018 08:23

*consider her when appropriate.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/10/2018 08:23

Why is the ex still Mrs X? Has she kept the name of a man she divorced?

Because it’s her name....could have been her name for 25 years. Because she wants the same name as her children. Because it’s ultimately up to her what name she uses.

Sod all to do with not accepting the break up or not moving on.

sirfredfredgeorge · 06/10/2018 08:24

You can do what you want with your name.

You should be a be a bit more caring and listen to the feelings of your step daughter and consider not sharing the name with your husband, couldn’t wait to get rid of his name and I want to take my new husband’s name shows that you understand that names matter to people as they matter to you. Yet you're being very dismissive of DSD's views and are convinced they're not her views but her mothers.

So please listen to her a bit more, and don't be so decided that your way is the right way.

ATowelAndAPotato · 06/10/2018 08:24

When I married DH, I chose to keep my surname, as his Ex W still had his surname too (presumably to retain link for his DC) - this didn’t bother me that she still had it, but I just wanted to be separate.

We have gone on to have DC together, and they have my surname not his, although obvs we are married and he is named on BC.

At one point we figured the DC may end up at the same school/club/activity, and if they all had same surname, there was a chance that she might get phoned if there was an issue with one of our DC!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/10/2018 08:25

It is an odd thing for a 13 year old not to understand.

Would it be easier if you steered away from the “Mrs” thing (which unless you’re a teacher or similar I guess you won’t hear THAT much) and tell your DSD you will be breakfastclub X and focus on the first name surname combo, then you and her mum are clearly different?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 06/10/2018 08:25

I’m not the second Mrs .... I’m the only one married to him, or soon will be. She can call herself it, but she’s not his wife. No seconds here.

You are the second Mrs X, OP, because you’re the second woman he’s married. The first one is now his ex-wife.

But you’re not being unreasonable to want to take his name; DSD doesn’t get a say.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/10/2018 08:26

You are the second Mrs X, OP, because you’re the second woman he’s married. The first one is now his ex-wife

But this would be true regardless of what the ex wife called herself

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 06/10/2018 08:27

It's not Highlander. There can be more than one.

My DH has 4 brothers, and a mother. We are all Mrs X. It's daft confusing but there you go. If i had my time again (and a nicer maiden name) I wouldn't change mine at all.

badg3r · 06/10/2018 08:28

Not unreasonable to change your name. BUT, if it's not come entirely from her mum, could it be partly because once you have the same name she is concerned people will presume you are her mum? The logic of this argument is not perfect of course but might partially explain her uneasiness. Try to reassure her that there are lots of people called Mrs X, you don't have the same name as your DC (?) etc...

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 08:30

@sirfred are you seriously suggesting that two adults who very much want to marry shouldn’t Because it might upset a 13 year old? You’ve also decided I’m uncaring?

Only on mumsnet!

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 08:30

I have a slightly different view to most. If you're not planning on having kids with him (are you making provisions for your kids to get inheritance if one of you dies?) then I think there's something to be said for taking his daughter's feelings into account, wherever they come from. However good your relationship with her is, it's a big change for her, she's only 14 and if this is something she'd struggle with, is it that important?

You can of course do whatever you like but when blending families, kids generally get pretty much no say and it might be kind to compromise on this one thing if it makes things easier for the kid. Never mind her mother, I'm thinking of her.

pigeondujour · 06/10/2018 08:32
  • She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ...*

This phrasing sounds like one or both of you was winding the other up. The natural response to that would be "I'll be first name new surname". Unless you're a medical consultant, a teacher or a minor character in a regency novel, you won't be Mrs anything the vast majority of the time.

Rystall · 06/10/2018 08:32

Or just keep your own name..... it’s 2018 for goodness sake!!!!

BertrandRussell · 06/10/2018 08:32

Don’t change your name. Why would you want to in the circumstances?

sashh · 06/10/2018 08:34

Why is the ex still Mrs X? Has she kept the name of a man she divorced? If so it sounds as though she's not over the break up and getting her daughter to meddle.

Many women do this, usually because it is also their children's name. Or in the case of my mother's sisters, because their maiden name was unusual and often miss spelled.

OP

Maybe have a chat with her about what she will do if she gets married in the future.

Also talk to her about things like school, that they ill contact her mum not you even if you have the same name.

HellenaHandbasket · 06/10/2018 08:35

If I had my time again I wouldn't change name.

kitty1013 · 06/10/2018 08:35

It's an adjustment for everyone- the ex wife, your DSD. Just rise above it and stay calm.

I don't mind being the second Mrs x- I tease my DH about it! His ex is now remarried so has a different surname but it wouldn't upset me if she still had my husbands surname, it's quite understandable, especially with children involved, but even if not, it would be her choice.

You will need to get practiced at "rising above it. "....there will be other issues over the years. Especially if she hasn't moved on - it sounds like she hasn't.

My DHs ex hated me at first but I never engaged with it and while I'm sure she still doesn't like me, I am not her focus any more, because I didn't react or engage. and I am always perfectly nice about her to my stepkids. That's very important. No matter if I am fuming underneath!!

sirfredfredgeorge · 06/10/2018 08:35

No breakfastclub I'm saying don't be so dismissive, and at least consider the perfectly normal choice of not changing your name when you marry. I know that means something to you, and it's why you all need to negotiate what is right for your family.

Jumping from "care for the feelings and try not to upset your 13 year old daughter of your future husband" that I thought I wrote to "don't get married" shows I was pretty way off the mark...

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/10/2018 08:35

I think this is a conversation for your fiancé and his daughter. She needs to understand it doesn’t change her relationship with him, or with her mum. But it does reflect the fact that he will be married to you.

Also, though this may not be the time to mention it, any future children you have will be her half siblings and will have the same name as her.

I understand why his first wife has kept his name - after all it is her name too now, but that doesn’t make it her exclusive property.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 08:36

are you seriously suggesting that two adults who very much want to marry shouldn’t Because it might upset a 13 year old?

Well, this begs the question of why 13 year old feelings don't count. Of course adults can marry as they wish but I do think that in the case of blended families, not much thought goes into how the children feel about it. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't marry, but I am suggesting that it would behoove your and your fiancé to consider the child's feelings as you do, and give them the validation that you clearly expect for your own. She's a child, not a houseplant.

Anyway, since you ask...there is actually a very good case for not marrying when both people have children from a previous relationship. I don't know if you're planning to have more children with him, but if you aren't, be sure that you've both made provisions for your estates to pass to your kids if one of you dies. That is what you want, right?

agnurse · 06/10/2018 08:37

Your names will still be different. You're Mrs. DH Lastname and she's Mrs. Ex Lastname.

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