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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
diddl · 06/10/2018 09:00

Op, you sound very defensive-if your step daughter has any inkling of this, she probably feels thatt you will want to wipe out her mum's existance!

Even though her dad is happy, she's 13-that won't be her main concern!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/10/2018 09:00

Of course you’re his second wife. The fact that she is his ex-wife confirms that she was, before that, his wife. The first one.

A word of friendly advice, don’t adopt this line, it makes you sound like an insecure OW. Not saying that’s you, but it’s how it makes you sound.

64BooLane · 06/10/2018 09:00

(And it’s equally fine if she DOES want to change it back. Not bizarre either way)

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 09:01

Equally there’s nothing bizarre about changing it back!

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 09:01

64 x post sorry!

Beamur · 06/10/2018 09:01

If you don't like second wife, how about 'current wife?' Grin
I think this is also about your DSD reaction to your getting married, I wouldn't sweat too much over the name thing. She is old enough to know this is the convention, but maybe hadn't really thought about it very hard until now.
If you otherwise get on well with her I wouldn't bring it up again unless she wants to talk about it.
My DSD and I always got on just fine, but she really struggled to understand how Dad could be with someone else than her Mum.

Holidayshopping · 06/10/2018 09:02

On the other note I may be the second woman DH2B will have married but I will be his only wife! Just one wife, not two, not second.

What?

Yes, you will be his second wife. It’s odd to argue otherwise and makes me wonder what else is going on here!

64BooLane · 06/10/2018 09:02

Totally with you on this YeTalk

Can’t we all just get along

TeddybearBaby · 06/10/2018 09:03

She can be Mrs still or she can chose Ms it’s her choice.

13 nearly 14 isn’t as mature as some people think and they all develop at different speeds. My nieces and nephews are all still very young and immature at that age. I think this is easily sorted. Just listen to her and be kind. Get her dad to speak to her too.

FlibbertyGiblets · 06/10/2018 09:03

Snigger at current wife. Unkind but funny.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 09:05

My DSD and I always got on just fine, but she really struggled to understand how Dad could be with someone else than her Mum.

This is a really normal and common way for kids to feel, and OP needs to give it validation. Have we really all forgotten what it was like to be 14?

Nobody's saying she shouldn't marry (well I guess I've said that she should consider the legal aspects of what it will do to the kids' inheritance, but that's an important issue). Some of us are saying that there's a child in the mix with no say or control over the issue, and perhaps it would be kind to compromise on one optional element if it maintains good relations and gives the child validation of her perfectly normal feelings. After all, OP certainly understand the importance of names when it affects her.

Postino · 06/10/2018 09:06

Really glad you said that 64boolane as I was starting to feel weird and self-conscious about keeping stbxh's name. It's my fecking name, it's me! Changing it back after 20 years would feel bizarre, like I'm fundamentally defined by my relationship to a man. Patriarchy in action Sad

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 09:07

64BooLane completely agree!

I don’t care about names really. The fact that DS1s SM has the same name as him changes nothing, it’s not like they’re involved in his daily life (or ever have been). They’re strictly EOW babysitters (no parenting involved) to satisfy XHs “rights”.

I have my own name, DP, DD and DS2 have his name, DS1 has his dad’s name.

We’re not less of a family.

Onecutefox · 06/10/2018 09:07

Taking your partner's surname is outdated now. Keep your surname or use double-barrelled surname although not many husbands would do it so I would just keep my own surname.

takeittakeit · 06/10/2018 09:07

You asked a 13yr old who probably had not considered the issue before or understood what changing names when you get married.

In her mind her Mum is Mrs Codswallop. The thought of 2 Mrs Codswallops may well have overwhelmed her.

She made a comment which in usual SM world means the SDs are "stopping" them, making them feel "bad" . And now it has been planted by the EX - with no evidence whatsoever.

Leave it along and call your self whatever you want.

Yet another Non Step story

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 09:07

Postino if you feel like it’s your name, then it is. Nobody has the right to tell you it’s not.

Beamur · 06/10/2018 09:10

My DH' ex wife kept her married name, as it was her familiar name now and her kids names - I've no problem with this. She's since remarried and has added her new husbands name and doubled barrelled it. Women's married names are often also names they are professionally known as, so not just a sentimental attachment through kids.

PeakedTooEarly · 06/10/2018 09:17

Change your name on marriage and don't mention it again. Don't be dictated to by a child. Kids come out with all sorts of random crap. Imagine if we took notice of everything they said! Giving kids decisions and responsibilities is wrong in cases like this. They are not old enough to see the bigger picture. It's one of those situations where I would have just smiled and changed the subject. It would simply be not up for discussion. If it was mentioned again then it might be but as a one off - no.

FittonTower · 06/10/2018 09:19

See I thought it was a slightly odd thing for a 13 year old to worry about (although 13 year olds do worry about odd things) until you got very defensive when someone suggested you might consider her feelings. The suggestion wasn't that you didn't get married and if a young teenager who is about to be your step daughter is worrying about it, or about her realtionship with her dad maybe its the kind thing to do to take those worries into account?
And why are you so fixated on not being "the second"? Perhaps this insecurity about her mum is what she's picking up on?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 09:19

Imagine if we took notice of everything they said!

I actually think the world would be a nicer place. Perhaps a bit less organised, but probably nicer to live in.

Lizzie48 · 06/10/2018 09:21

I would never go back to my original name, as my F was an abusive arse and I don't want any connection with him. (Hypothetical of course, as DH and I are happy and hopefully will continue that way.) The point is that women could have all sorts of reasons why they don't change their names back after divorce.

In the case of the OP, I can understand why your DSD might be finding it hard to get her head around this. She's having to make big adjustments and the name issue is probably a red herring. My DSis married a man with a 10 year old DS and, although he's always had a great relationship with my DSis (she was his primary carer for a few years), she knows that he had mixed emotions when she married his dad.

You shouldn't assume her mum has put ideas in her head.

Janleverton · 06/10/2018 09:21

My mother is still Mrs myfatherssurname.

My parents divorced more than 25 years ago, having been married for 25 years, and my father died about 4 years ago.

My stepmother was/is called Mrs herfatherssurname for work stuff but Mrs myfatherssurname for home stuff.

I had no issue with both dm and dsm having the same surname (mine) but I was older than the dad in this case. My mother wasn’t bothered either.

I do have immense problems with some folk who feel that my mother should have had to change her name (and the Mrs) when my parents divorced. Why should she? It had been her name for almost her whole adult life and was the same as her children?

Dhalandchips · 06/10/2018 09:22

I found exh's 'comedy' use of 'current wife' insulting. Insinuating that it wasn't permanent (naive I know now). It was one of the many reasons my friends really didn't like him. This all came out after we split up.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/10/2018 09:28

Terry Wogan used to talk about the current Mrs Wogan. These old jokes are only funny in the context of a rock solid marriage.

TeddybearBaby · 06/10/2018 09:29

@PeakedTooEarly not being listened to is so very dismissive of a person - a child deserves to be seen and not heard right? Honestly it does so much damage this attitude. Even if you listen and don’t agree because you’re the adult is fine IMO but completely disregarding their feelings. How else is she supposed to express her feelings? She’s done the healthy thing here I think.

I counsel so many children who just want to be heard.