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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 06/10/2018 10:12

Think of it as having more than one child. Sometimes they can be 1st, 2nd. It’s not a bad thing, I was always refered to as the youngest as my rank.

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 10:12

I do understand your CEO comment perfectly! I just choose to interpret it differently. Why are you so intent on making your point? It’s not North Korea, we are allowed our own opinions, even if they differ!!

OP posts:
Allineedyoutodois · 06/10/2018 10:12

I would avoid upsetting DSD btw, I would also avoid taking his name for many reasons but not least because he’s already got one woman with his name behind him. Andni’m Going to presume she kept his name on divorce because of her DD.

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 06/10/2018 10:13

Don't let yourself be influenced by her existence as a mrs firstwife.
. I bet if she didn't still have the name you wouldn't be so determined to change your name to his.

None of you (you nor your husband's first wife) are sending a very good message to your daughters (yours or his). You taking on another man's name and her keeping her married name. If you're not all in the first flush of youth I think I can understand holding on to the name you have easier than going ahead and CHANGING AGAIN

What if this marriage doesn't work out? Will you change your name again? Seriously, just stick with the name you have at this point.

blackteasplease · 06/10/2018 10:15

You can change your name regardless of what exw thinks.

You don't have to change it.

STBDH could change his to yours, job done. Great solutions as he also gets to no longer share a name with stalky mcnutjob- he can show her he has moved on.

If he's worried about changing from the same name as his dd, surely that also applies to you and your dd?

blackteasplease · 06/10/2018 10:17

The more I think about it the more I think him changing his name is the best solution.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 10:18

I do understand your CEO comment perfectly! I just choose to interpret it differently. Why are you so intent on making your point? It’s not North Korea,

So THIS is what your stepdaughter has to deal with. A person who changes facts to suit her (the fact that you are the second wife, the fact of my explicit point about the fifth CEO), calls it "interpretation" and then invokes Kim Jong-un when told she's wrong.

Poor, poor kid.

MonolithiK · 06/10/2018 10:20

Second wife can mean two things:
The second wife in a polygamous marriage.
The second woman a man has married post divorce.

In England you can only be married to one woman a time. So OP is right that she is not his ‘second wife’ in that sense and asserting she is the ONLY wife.
She is not denying she is the second woman he is marrying.

But I sense posters are enjoying goading OP very much, some are practically frothing which is quite amusing.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 10:23

She is not the second wife in the polygamous sense, she is the second wife in the successional sense. It's not that hard to grasp.

But OP clearly has a serious issue with the fact that her husband to be had a life before her, as evidenced by the fact that she will not accept that she is the second successional wife. Is the stepdaughter an unwelcome reminder of this?

Annechristmas · 06/10/2018 10:24

I strongly suspect the thought has been planted by her mum.

I wondered how long it would take for the ex wife to be blamed. Unless you've actually heard her say this you don't know this for a fact.

My ex remarried this year and I've no idea what surname she has, nor do I care.

I kept my married name as I didn't want to have a different name to my children. I suspect a lot of women keep the name for the same reason and not because they still want to be married to him!

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 10:26

But OP clearly has a serious issue with the fact that her husband to be had a life before her, as evidenced by the fact that she will not accept that she is the second successional wife. Is the stepdaughter an unwelcome reminder of this?

I wondered that, I also wondered if the DSD thinks that and is feeling unsettled or worried.

When DD was born, DSD1 started acting out and really wasn’t herself. I spoke to her and she said that she felt DD would replace her because she’s DPs biological daughter (my DSDs are husbands DSDs from his first marriage) because her Mum had told her that.

It didn’t take long to reassure her that absolutely nothing had changed, and that she was still and always would be his eldest DD. That biology isn’t the be all and end all (I’m adopted) and that love is what makes a family .

Allineedyoutodois · 06/10/2018 10:26

Op is his 2nd wife. She’ll alwsts be that to anyone who knew him when he married his 1st wife. 1st wife will always be that - the woman he loved, married and had a child with. Semantics don’t really come in to it.

ektomarie · 06/10/2018 10:28

How does your daughter feel about this? She will have a different surname but you, her step dad and her step sister will all have the same surname.

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 10:28

@AynRand you are turning quite irrational. If it’s not interpretation what is it. Actually forget it, you’ve made your point, I’ve heard it. You and I disagree. The end. She is not a poor kid!

I’m taking his name because I want to, it’s
A good name and sounds much better than my current one, easier to spell too! So it’s nothing to do with goading his former wife or getting one over on her. He won’t change his name for the same reasons she probably doesn’t want to - the child.

OP posts:
Somerville · 06/10/2018 10:29

Names are important to many people; they’re intrinsically linked to identity. So it’s worth her dad taking time to talk to DSD and help her work through her feelings about it. Anything possible to lower resentment levels and correct misunderstandings is good.

You’re changing your name a lot, OP (birth name; first married name; back to both name; now upcoming second married name...) - is that really what you want to do?

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 10:29

My daughter is married and has her husband’s name, so we have different surnames anyway.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 10:30

Has your DSD been able to voice her fears and worries and had them heard and been given reassurance though.

What I’m saying is that no matter what her Mum has said, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that your DSD is heard and involved. She sounds a bit lost tbh, which is understandable, it’s a big deal. So she probably just needs a bit of reassurance and to know that life isn’t going to change.

Honeyroar · 06/10/2018 10:31

The CEO example is how I see things. I like the Henry viii example too. I'm my husband's wife, current wife, second wife. His ex was his first wife.

I can understand women wanting to keep the same surname as their child, but still calling themselves Mrs is strange, Mrs indicates a married woman, but they're not married and in this case it's clearly confusing/upsetting the child, and probably doing it to cause problems for her ex and his fiancée). Really the ex wife is the fake Mrs X.

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 10:32

??? I have no issues with by DSD. She is not an unpleasant reminder - what a disgusting thing to think!! DH2B had
A life before he met me, as did I. Nothing wrong with that?? Quite normal actually.

@AyeRand - you need to take a serious look at your issues!

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 06/10/2018 10:32

I think you’re right and the mum has been digging. It’s a strange thing for a 13 year old to consider.

Carry on as you were, you have every right to use your husand’s surname.

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 06/10/2018 10:34

calling the exw a stalky mcnut job is behaving like a mcnut job to be honest. The first wife hasn't been heard to make or have any comment or reaction to OP's decision has she? From her POV she's just not changing, which doesn't require as much introspection as changing.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 10:37

OP, you don't need to justify to me why you want to take his name. I changed my name too. It's not about that.

It's about your defensiveness and denial regarding established neutral fact. You are the second successional wife. It's significant that that upsets you so much, especially combined with what's happening with your stepdaughter (i.e., denying that she's unhappy when you made an entire thread about the fact that she's unhappy).

It makes me think that you don't like the fact of your husband's first wife and previous life, and I suspect that this is coming out in your relationship with your stepdaughter. You'll deny it, of course, but you're denying all sorts of other things which are demonstrably true, so...

Anyway, you can sit here and argue with me, if you like, but I should warn you I'm out for most of the day. Or you can have a look at your actual life that matters, the people in it and the people who are impacted by it even if they are young. You seem to understand the importance of names when it's about you, so can you really not grasp that it might be important to your young stepdaughter too? And while you don't have to make a decision based on what she thinks, would it kill you to listen to her - really, properly listen to her - about her feelings on the matter? And perhaps consider the possibility of compromising on this one thing, that won't change anything legally, if it improves your relationship? Because I really do feel sorry for her right now.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2018 10:38

Of course you'll be his second wife! Simple counting!

As to his first wife - I expect she wants to have the same name as her daughter. She's been Mrs Whoever for a period of time and maybe she prefers that name.

Her choice. Just like it's your choice to change yours.

BewareOfDragons · 06/10/2018 10:39

Did a poster actually leap off a cliff and suggest that the stepdaughter must be an unwelcome reminder to the OP that he has a sexual past?!?

Wow.

That is some shockingly mixed up, overlaying of one's own issues on here... OP hasn't suggested any such thing!

stellabird · 06/10/2018 10:39

Why is the ex still Mrs X? Has she kept the name of a man she divorced? If so it sounds as though she's not over the break up

So what should she do - go back to her maiden name after so many years ? Which would then make her name different from her children. It's the norm to keep your name when you get divorced , unless you have a really big reason to shed it ( like if your ex was abusive etc).

In this case , of course it's OK to have his name when you marry. DSD needs to understand that this is what people do. I did it - so there are now two Mrs B's , and none of the children were bothered or commented at all.