Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

[Breakfastclubcrazy]

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

Billben I'm afraid you're wrong on that point, she can use whatever title she likes. There's no law saying a woman must be Miss, Ms, Mrs or whatever, regardless of marital status.

Me too @AynRandTheObjectivist. It sounds like such s simple thing ‘to listen’ but I think it makes the world of difference.

My mum still has my dad’s surname and now my stepmum has it too.
Only one of them is important to my dad. Have a guess which?
That’s all that matters.

I've had a lot of experiences where people literally just want to be listened to and have their feelings validated, even if nothing actually materially changes. It makes an enormous difference. I've had that very experience myself on numerous occasions.

I do not like the insinuation among some posts, including OP's, that a 13 year old's feelings do not matter. This decision is not hers, but it affects her and it would behoove a step parent at least to acknowledge this.

My eyebrows did actually rise at the idea that of course the kid is happy because her dad's happy (presumably to be marrying OP). What else could possibly be impacting upon her??

Your dh could always change his surname to yours, Breakfastclubcrazy - it isn't the law that you be the one to change your surname.

but you are Mrs breakfast x not Mrs whatever her first name is x ie Mrs jenny smith not Mrs Ann Smith - so there is a difference provided you don't have the same first name! technically when a women is divorced/widowed she refers to herself by her first initial , ie Mrs A Smith while you become Mrs John (your husbands name) smith - of course most women don't refer to themselves by their husbands initial these days but it is interesting!

13 year olds object to lots of things - thats what they do!

Teddy I'm not saying dismiss it I'm saying ignore it as a one off. There's a difference. I agree dismissing others feelings is wrong but in a case like this it is best breezed past, especially as OP says there is a possibly rancourous ex in the mix that may be getting down the DSD's ear. In a case like this the DSS has no say. Genuinely has NO say so why even give her any thought that she might? Move on breezily to another subject and the chances are it might never be mentioned again, especially if the DSD is just being a mouthpiece for her mother. It's called reading a situation and being intuitive is all.

If the subject is raised again then discuss it but in the first round?
For the record I don't believe in giving children choices and decisions about an awful lot of things. I think it makes them stressed and also it gives them an over inflated view of their own importance. They cannot deal with consequences if they make a decision and things go wrong as a result either. They are better to live in an adult world making childrens decisions such as what to wear to a party, who tomake friends with. No making or being involved in adult decisions.

My mum and my stepmum have EXACTLY the same name first name and surname. Causes much hilarity. Divorce and remarriage happened a long time ago though. One big happy extended family now. :)

whogivesadamn that popped into my head too "There can be only one". I agree it isn't Highlander

Of course you can have his name if you marry him, but yes, she can still be Mrs X too as that is her legal name. A lot of women choose not to change their name because of the children. I changed mine back asap but not everyone does. I am now Ms X Maiden Name, as I don't want to be a Mrs as I am no longer married.

and it is only a technicality, but you ARE his second wife as his first wife was just that, first. I agree with PP that you need to get over that. It doesn't make you second best as you are second wife. I read that on another thread, where people pointed out that second child doesn't mean second best, it merely means second in order!

Of course you don't introduce your self as second wife, you are his wife, no need for any other mentions!

roundabouttown just coming on to say there’s a option of the DH changing his name!

It’s possible the ex is stirring it but also possible she isn’t. The not changing her name back to her maiden name is irrelevant because it’s her name now. Why should she have changed it.

Sounds very much planted by her mum as in all honesty it’s not something a teen would even think about?!
I don’t agree. My 7-year-old DD comes out with things like this. The other day I was talking to to her about my name and that I might change it (I have so far kept exH’s to be the same as her, but I’m engaged and expecting a new baby so I am giving it a lot of thought) and she realised her dad’s gf may one day change her name, and then people might think she was DD’s mum. The last bit hadn’t crossed my mind, and doesn’t bother me (but partly perhaps because exH doesn’t have them very often or have much to do with their day-to-day lives).
My point is children aren’t given enough credit for their own thoughts and feelings - they don’t all come from an adult.

@PeakedTooEarly. I would literally just say ‘tell me what your concerns are’ or ‘what does there being two Mrs x’s mean to you?’ (They sounds really counselly I know). I wouldn’t change my plans at all but she might feel better because once you know why it was bothering her you can reassure her (or not). She might still be pissed but at least you’ve listened and tried.

I had the adult world thing when my son who was in year 6 and heard the word rape asked me what it meant. I didn’t know how to answer that because I thought he’s too young but also he’s hearing it. It was tricky. He didn’t know what sex was even. I did my best but it’s not easy!

I think it's just as likely to be the child's own thoughts. It sounds like it's coming from the same place as "you're not my mum" which is a fairly standard reaction of a child to a new stepmum.

People can have funny thoughts on names. My dsis has an unusual name. So much so she didn't meet anyone with the same name until she was an adult. She absolutely loathed being with the other person as she felt it was almost like part of her-even though she wasn't that fond of the name.
I can see how a child might say "you're not using my mum's name".

@bimbobaggins are you always so unpleasant?

Thanks for all the comments. I know we offer a stable family home for DSD, as does her mum. She is a teen with the usual ups and downs but I, and her dad, have no reason to believe she’s unhappy about our marriage.

I’m not an emotionally unstable fruitcake who needs titles or validation that my marriage is special from strangers. Everyone has their opinion. I love the comment about the CEO, I will be his only wife, his current wife, his last wife - but the second woman he married. He’s no longer married to the ex wife so I’m not the second.

Thanks again.

He’s no longer married to the ex wife so I’m not the second.

What? What about this do you not grasp and why is it so important to you?

How can you love my comment about my CEO when you don't understand it? He's the current, only and fifth CEO. You will be the current, only and second wife.

What do you not understand?

I don't think OP has been defensive or dismissive of her DSD's feelings. I do think a lot of other posters have their own familial issues however and are choosing to see her reasonable, informed about the actual family situation responses, as 'defensive' when they're not.

Everyone is entitled to pick the name they want to use. OP wants to have the same last name as her future husband and discard the name of her ex husband. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as she and her future husband listen to their DSD's concerns and address them, whether they are her own or put in her head by her mother, OP should be able to pick the surname she wants.

Personally, I wouldn't have changed my own name in the first place ... but I, too, respect that everyone is different. And OP's DSD will have to learn that that is the way the world works, gently, gently.

Why is DSD suffering? Her dad is very happy, we provide a loving, caring and supportive home. There is seriously no suffering here

It’s a little odd that you don’t appear to understand that teenagers may have fears worries and concerns about the relationship choices their parents force on them even when they like the people involved. It’s normal to be concerned especially when you have a 13yo understanding of the world.

And Billben she does very much get to keep the Mrs if she wishes to.

She is a teen with the usual ups and downs but I, and her dad, have no reason to believe she’s unhappy about our marriage.

But you have - the fact that she's upset about the name change. That MAY be a sign that she's upset about the marriage, it's certainly a sign that she's upset about the name change.

It sounds worse and worse. Your stepdaughter to be tells you she is upset about something, and you say there is no evidence that she is upset about something. You marry a man who had a wife before you, and you say that you are not the second wife.

Your thought processes are completely bonkers. I wish we could hear your stepdaughter to be's thoughts on this because I can only imagine what sort of pretzel logic she's getting.

Second can be used to denote succession, did you not realise that? So yes, you can be both his only and second wife at the same time.

And hopefully his last. Though obviously his first wife probably thought so too. 😂

We should always pay heed to kids.

Why would you change your name? It’s archaic. Ask DP to change HIS name and see how that goes down.

Christ on a bike. So how would you describe all the wives of Henry VIII (the only king while he reigned, and the eighth King Henry) who came after Catherine of Aragorn? Not the second, third, fourth, fifth...?

(I know there's an argument that he had only two wives legally but I'm trying to make a point.)

And whichever way you paint it you ARE his second wife, because he had one before you.