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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
dudsville · 06/10/2018 08:38

Yor dsd is suffering. Worry less about your name, of course it's traditional and you can. Whether you do isn't the problem. Dsd needs some help and support.

Hidillyho · 06/10/2018 08:38

When I get married I will have the exact name as SIL (we both have the same 1st and 2nd name).
Sometimes these things happen, at 13 im sure she’s old enough to understand

MsVestibule · 06/10/2018 08:38

@sirfred are you seriously suggesting that two adults who very much want to marry shouldn’t Because it might upset a 13 year old?

That is absolutely not what they wrote at all!!! Just suggesting that, rightly or wrongly, you might want to take your soon to be SD's feelings into consideration.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/10/2018 08:39

@sirfred are you seriously suggesting that two adults who very much want to marry shouldn’t Because it might upset a 13 year old? You’ve also decided I’m uncaring? Only on mumsnet!

No. That’s not what was said, is it? What was actually said is listen to what your step daughter is saying. Actually acknowledge and consider her concerns. And stop with the assumption this is mum’s doing. If you have enough pragmatism to understand why mum might keep the name in the first place, you can begin to understand that there may be reasons why your DSD is struggling with this.

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 08:40

Why is DSD suffering? Her dad is very happy, we provide a loving, caring and supportive home. There is seriously no suffering here.

On the other note I may be the second woman DH2B will have married but I will be his only wife! Just one wife, not two, not second.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 08:40

DS1 got upset when his dad got married again, because they made a huge thing of them being the “xxxxx” family and him having the same name. I explained to him that that doesn’t mean I’m not his Mum any more (no idea where he got that gem from Hmm) and that his SM was taking his dad’s name because they’d be married, just like I did when I married him.

I reverted to my own name because it’s mine, and because he was abusive so I didn’t want his name.

Take your new husband’s name, just don’t make a big thing of it in front of DSD. Aye, her mum sounds like she’s a twister, BUT she’s still her Mum and she is obviously going to have loyalty to her Mum.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 08:40

I’m not the second Mrs .... I’m the only one married to him, or soon will be. She can call herself it, but she’s not his wife. No seconds here.

What? Of course you're the second Mrs .... You're the second wife. He had one wife before you.

This is a weird attitude to have. Makes me wonder if there's anything else the child is picking up on to make her uncomfortable. I know you'll deny this and remind us of what a loony the ex is, but I'm wondering if you're acting in some sort of way that tries to wipe her mother from history and that's impacting on how she feels about the name thing.

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 08:41

On the other note I may be the second woman DH2B will have married but I will be his only wife! Just one wife, not two, not second

I don’t see what’s wrong with being the second wife though? DP and I have both been married before, if we married (we won’t) I’d be his second wife and he’d be my second husband. There’s nothing emotive in that, it’s a statement of fact.

LusaCole · 06/10/2018 08:42

OP, you sounded really reasonable and rational until your reply to sirfred's post. Where did she say you shouldn't get married?!

BertrandRussell · 06/10/2018 08:43

“sirfred are you seriously suggesting that two adults who very much want to marry shouldn’t Because it might upset a 13 year old?“

Don’t know about sirfred, but I’m not suggesting that you don’t get married. I am suggesting that you think about not taking his name.

bmbonanza · 06/10/2018 08:44

She knows it is normal and is just playing power games. Ignore her.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 08:44

Why is DSD suffering? Her dad is very happy, we provide a loving, caring and supportive home. There is seriously no suffering here.

That is quite possibly true but you simply cannot speak for her. Her dad being happy doesn't necessarily mean that she is. She is unhappy enough about this point to talk to you about it. Again, I am not saying that she's suffering. I'm just saying that you can't speak for her. And tbh, the way you speak about her on here does sound a bit dismissive.

On the other note I may be the second woman DH2B will have married but I will be his only wife! Just one wife, not two, not second.

You'll be the second woman to have been his only wife at a certain time. He was married before, he had a wife before, he is remarrying, you are the second wife.

The fact that you are so defensive on this very simple, morally neutral point of actual fact is making me wonder what else is going on that is influencing the daughter's feelings.

lunar1 · 06/10/2018 08:48

She needs time to get used to it that's all. It probably came as a surprise and this is her response.

Though your reactions are a bit odd on here, and if you are the same in real life I can see why she is struggling.

I'm the second Mrs L and my husbands second wife. History doesn't change, nor would I want it to. It sounds like you want to erase his past.

FlibbertyGiblets · 06/10/2018 08:49

You ARE second, second wife, not first or only.

I too think you are being dismissive of your stepdaughter's feelings. Not about the name change btw but your dismissal of the notion that sd might be suffering is telling.

MaisyPops · 06/10/2018 08:49

Isn't the OP saying that she might be the 2nd person to marry her DP, but she will be his only wife. (Yes we all know that he's on his 2nd marriage, but I think the OP is saying the reason there's no Mrs Smith the 2nd is because there is Jane Smith his ex wife and then there will be OP Smith, his wife.)

It sounds to me like telling a teen 'in going to have the same name as you and your dad' could (combined with stirring from an ex who hasn't moved on) lead to feelings of 'are you trying to replace my mum?'
OP, I think you need to hear from your DSD, and then politely and with tact remain firm to the fact you will be changing your name to reflect your marriage (and keep references to DSD AND her mother out of it)

minniebow · 06/10/2018 08:52

I have second hand experience of this. My exMIL kept her married name as she wanted the same name as her children. Could this be the reason why and if she’s said that to them that could be founding their thoughts on you having it too? I always thought it was bizarre and cringy that exMIL kept the name as they had both got into relationships with other people

64BooLane · 06/10/2018 08:52

It's not Highlander. There can be more than one.

Grin
AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 08:53

She is the only wife, and the second wife (or will be). My workplace recently got a new CEO. He is the current CEO, and the only CEO, and the fifth CEO the company has had.

Thisreallyisafarce · 06/10/2018 08:53

Not sure how you don't see that you are his second wife. Anyway, your name, your decision. If your DSD is uncomfortable with it, it may be that she is uncomfortable with the marriage.

Mondaytired · 06/10/2018 08:54

Sounds very much planted by her mum as in all honesty it’s not something a teen would even think about?!
I can picture the convo “oh DD i wonder if breakfast club will have the same surname as you when she marries your dad? Won’t that be odd DD as she will have the same name as me as well”.. you can just imagine the convo continuing.

To be honest I wouldn’t give it a second thought; as you said DSD is happy and comfortable at home with you and her dad.

I would imagine she will probably report back to her mum and maybe something else might be said again nearer the time, but don’t let it stop you enjoying your dad and taking the name as planned.

I have the same name as DHs ex wife but I am Mrs Monday and she is Ms Monday.
She has been awkward over the years but it was never raised as an issue, we have since had a mini Monday.

You are DHs wife, don’t let the ex spoil
It!

bimbobaggins · 06/10/2018 08:55

Yes it is a weird attitude to have, don’t be so sanctimonious about it, you may not be the last!

DeadButDelicious · 06/10/2018 08:56

On the other note I may be the second woman DH2B will have married but I will be his only wife! Just one wife, not two, not second.

But... you are the second woman he has/will marry, by definition that makes you his second wife. Why is that such an issue? You seem almost offended by the concept.

I cannot offer any advice re your step daughter other than to be kind and listen to her concerns and try to allay them.

Billben · 06/10/2018 08:58

His ex wife is not a Mrs anymore. She is a Ms. She can keep his surname (as I would if I divorced my husband) but she can’t keep the Mrs.
And whilst I would consider my DSD’s feelings no way would they influence me in taking my DP’s surname if I married him, if that was important to me.

64BooLane · 06/10/2018 08:59

Not the main point here but I’m surprised to see people being judged as bizarre and cringey etc. for not just discarding their surname like it’s nothing after the marriage ends.

I’m very much not a name-changer generally but surely once a woman changes her name, the new name is her name and there is nothing bizarre at all in her wanting to keep it post-divorce, especially if she has children who share it. Confused

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 08:59

A divorced woman has the right to keep using her married name, so if she chooses still to be Mrs .... then she can. She is not his wife but she is Mrs ....

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