AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

[Dadboddancer]

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

Any serious views will be taken on board.

*Amazingly our second child was planned.

If there was every a time I wished I had dud sperm....*

So you'd be willing to sacrifice your second child just so you can have a bit more sex.

Fuck me...

Oh you do all the bills and banking and mortgage stuff. That must be so strenuous!

How is that comparable to having to put your own needs last all day every day?

@Verbena87 - I am so sorry for your experience. I really hope it gets better

Not another bloody whiney man on Mumsnet ...

It's been 11 months FFS.

Big of you to send her out though 😏

Hear, hear, MirriVan.

No one is entitled to sex.

*Amazingly our second child was planned.

If there was every a time I wished I had dud sperm....*. and what an AWFUL thing to say. You'd rather get laid than have your daughter - what a catch you are. No wonder your poor wife doesn't want to sleep with you.

I think apples post is very good.

I think you sounds more worried about what you are missing that you feel entitled to, than how your wife is feeling leading her to not want sex.

Hmmm. Mismatched sex drives was a huge reason for divorcing XH.

I had low libido due to depression which worsened after the birth of our first child. XH conveniently didnt belive in mental health problems, I just needed to get over it.

The constant pestering for sex was a huge turn off as was the sulking and silent treatment if he didn't get it.

At the time I thought the problem lay with me (probably because XH was very vocal about that fact). Now, I'm in a new relationship and I realise XH was an abusive, controlling twunt who withheld all affection and had emotionally checked out of our marriage several years earlier.

Funnily enough both my depression and my sex drive improved after XH departed.

If you genuinely want things to improve I would suggest maybe speaking to your wife honestly and openly without putting pressure on her. Let her know how negatively the lack of sex makes you feel but equally let her know that her happiness and needs are important too.

Maybe seek to improve intimacy without expectation of sex. Ask her how her day was and listen to her answer. Respond to her difficulties and take pressures off her elsewhere in life if you can. Your children are still very young. Make sure your wife has enough time to herself. I work part time and would say I get 0 hours per week when I am not working and not with the kids. It's exhausting and there are jobs I need to get done which are impossible with a toddler in tow.

I only read the first two pages but I can relate being a mom of 2 with similar ages kids, I am so inbelievely tired and therefore just don’t feel the same. I eat quick sugar fixes, hardly get to drink anything so never hydrated and I think all these things make a big difference to how you feel. I do still do things though, and am fine once in it but just rarely initiate it. I think you two need a break or a night off with no kids. Can someone look after them. Then that gets her off mommy mode and into wife mode.

Oh and also, I have the resentment thing too... I understand men work but you sleep and with work you do every day what you will do until you retire it’s not really a big deal. While moms tend do have no decent sleep which humans need to function - so that’s off putting when a man doesn’t understand how hard it can be.

What a nasty response. Why do people have to be nasty just for the sake of it. Seriously go I think you need help!

I reckon as your youngest gets older things might improve. She'll surely be weaned soon, your wife won't have to sit for hours breastfeeding a one year old and life will start to feel more normal again. I think you sound like a really good dad. Keep doing nice things for your wife. Could kids go to a grandparents for a day and evening and you could take her away maybe? Away from thinking about housework and stuff?

What put me off sex after babies is body image. I felt unattractive and uncomfortable in my skin after childbirth and breastfeeding, I know that’s silly and change is natural but the changes in your body can be overwhelming, especially after two babies close together. I also worried about contraception failing and falling pregnant again. You need to talk to her again I think.

YANBU and you sound thoughtful and a great husband. It’s certainly not too much to ask to have moments of passion (and I say that as mother to an exclusively breastfed baby). I feel a tiny bit annoyed with your wife on your behalf, she must know in her heart of hearts that this isn’t okay for you. You definitely need to talk to her again, without anger obviously but letting her know how much this affects you.

Body image, tiredness, resentment, the less you are affectionate it becomes the new norm.

But what really stands out to me is your lack of communication. You've only spoken about it once - think it's time you spoke about it again.

DH and I have had similar times, we've been together 33 years, but we do talk about it when it has occurred. It's REALLY important to say the right thing, in the right way. Pick a quiet, kid free moment and kind of say - I miss you, I miss us being affectionate, I do miss sex but, most importantly, I'd like you to be really honest with me about why you think it's missing from our relationship (no blaming)?

Good luck op, you sound like you care about her very much, please hang on in there, your family is your world, as you've said.

I think there are one or two very nasty responses on here. Thankfully most have been thoughtful, kind and constructive and the OP seems really to be listening and taking feedback on board.

Your youngest is only 11 months. You also have a preschooler. This is a very difficult stage and I would personally in your position wait. I wouldn’t tackle the problem again until she stops breastfeeding.

^^This. It's no small matter to your wife's body and psyche these children she has birthed you both. You are in a period of flux and change. Slow down, don't make big decisions - marriage is about the long view. There will be peaks and valleys in any long term relationship. 2 young children is a wonderful but exhausting adventure. Check your priorities, your timing, wait and revisit IMO.

I don't know if anyone already asked this, and you don't need to answer OP, but how often does your wife orgasm when you have sex? If the answer isn't every time or most of the time, then sex is going to be another job for her in a long list of jobs. (Having said that, with a still breastfeeding 11mo it probably doesn't matter what the sex is like, by the end of the day being touched will be like nails down a blackboard).

I didn't read all the responses, but if you're still here OP:
I'm in a similar situation to you but I'm the wife. I love my husband, I would like a sex life, but I am tired exhausted and sex is the bottom of my to-do list. My husband tries not to pressure me, but when he does ask I feel awful. I don't want to do it, I just have no desire, and I know that is hard for him and I don't want to inflict a sexless marriage on him either.
Things my Dh could do that would improve the situation (maybe these apply to you too)
-arrange some romantic time together, with explicit caveat that sex is not an expected outcome after dinner
-compliment me (I feel like shit about my appearance since having kids)
-give me a massage
-use lube. Lots.

• look after his own appearance. Dress up a little and clean his damn teeth before he tries it on.

If he did the above, he'd get it a lot quicker than if he tried talking to me about why I don't want it. Hope that helps.

She is working more than you if she’s doing all the childcare and 24 hours a week. Plus her body is involved in a way yours isn’t - nails down a blackboard is about how it feels TBH.

Doing gardening and ironing - these are sporadic tasks. They aren’t done daily nor does anyone get seriously disadvantaged if they aren’t done. Unlike feeding people, doing the laundry, etc. Looking after a baby plus working is exhausting. She must be shattered - I’m shattered and I’m in a similar position. Doing everything else is the daily grind. Breastfeeding is exhausting and has always made me feel totally neutered.

You’re at the most difficult point right now - little kids are exhausting. It will get better. Marriage is ups and downs, but you need to communicate about this. Talk to each other, and get through this stage. I would hope you can see it as ‘how can my wife and I get through this exhausting and demanding life stage while retaining our love and respect for each other’ rather than ‘how can I get her to have sex with me.’

Breastfeeding killed my libido stone dead. It was hormonal, but also as my boobs never stopped leaking I felt as sexy as a wet flannel.

My DH and I haven't had sex for about a year. My reason is I just don't fancy him any more 😢

We've never actually discussed it and he stopped trying about 8 months ago. I've been ill all year ( getting tests done and I now know what's wrong. Nothing serious) and he thinks that's what the problem has been.

Lately he's been hinting ina jokey way and I keep batting it away. I know we need to discuss it but how the hell do I raise the subject? "Dear husband I don't fancy you but I still want sex. Just not with you".

I know we need to split up but it will destroy him. He adores me and he's done nothing wrong. I love him and don't want to hurt him 😢