AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

[Dadboddancer]

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

Any serious views will be taken on board.

@watsmyname We're probably saying more of a similar thing than you think. I think it's the meaning of 'expect' we're using differently. I mean it's valid to want sex and feel hurt if it's not forthcoming. Acknowledging feelings. Not expect it as a right. As you said 'a waiting game' if they can both acknowledge its hard for him not having sex anymore, not just how it's hard for her feeling pressure to do so when she's not in the mood. Then working on sorting out issues, gradually building up intimacy with the prospect of eventual sex, when they are both ready for it.
The one who misses sex deserves to have their feelings acknowledged also, not just the party who doesn't want it presently.

It's guesswork on all our parts anyway, and we all bring our own unique experiences; only the op's partner really knows what is going on and why it's not happening.

They need to talk. There's no way it's going to get back on track physically if they aren't even intimate enough to share their feelings with each other.

@watsmyname, there's a big difference between expectation and entitlement.

If you're in a sexual relationship, then in general it's reasonable to expect it will remain a sexual relationship. That's not to say it's reasonable to expect sex every night or every time you want it, but over a period of time it's reasonable to expect sex at some point (assuming it's still a loving and respectful relationship). You might expect sex, but you're still not entitled to sex.

@LonelyDadNeedsHelp that's far more concisely put, thankyou!

I haven’t read all of the thread (only the original post), so forgive me if i’ve got this wrong....

My now OH was married and tells me that the lack of sex and intimacy caused the breakdown of his previous marriage. He wanted sex, his EW didn’t. They have 2 children which he calls ‘miracles’ as he says they only had sex twice in the space of 5 years, which resulted in 2 children.

I met my OH after he’d divorced and he once said that he’d had more sex with me in a month than he’d had in 16 years with his EW.

Sex and intimacy keeps you close as a couple.

Sounds like you need to make her feel special - my OH make sure we have ‘date night’ once a week and make time for each other. Could some counselling help?

Gosh there are some angry people on here. Projecting much?

Communication OP! You must talk about this. It is clearly something that matters to you but be prepared to not have an answer you want to hear. Don't expect anything from her, just be open to listening and understanding.

It takes a very long time for your body to heal post birth. And even then there are changes that are permanent. I'm quite self conscious about mine. Scars, tears... also yes to the breastfeeding hormones. I just don't feel as turned on because of them and I had quite a high sex drive before DS.

I'm also still bfeeding at 14 months. Although less frequent, it is still tiring af. My boobs are a no go area for sexual initiation. They're just touched out completely.

I do most of the housework. Unless it really piles up then OH will step in or if I ask him to do something, he will happily do it. He works 8 - 10 hours every day. I do not work so I am grateful to him for working to keep us going. We both discussed that this was what we wanted to do.

The only thing I resent/get jealous of is the fact he gets a break from parenting a lot more than I do. Part of it is biology (he doesn't sleep as light as I do for instance and he can switch off easier than I can) and part of it is society. He's been invited out for drinks loads and I find that hard to cope with. I miss my social life and going out with friends a bit.

But we talk about it. We talk when we feel annoyed or when something doesn't feel right. And we care about how each other feels. We try and make an effort to do something for each other in that way... iyswim. Sex is a no go atm as I'm not on birth control (makes me depressed) and my family has a history of extremely fertile women 😂. But I wouldn't want him to go without anything as I would find that hard if I was in his situation.

Just talk and try to appreciate each other's positions and emotions. Give it time OP...

yep - think the communication thing is important. Also in (I'm projecting here) many happy relationships, sex isn't just about "getting off", it's a companionable sort of closeness too. If she's not letting you hug or kiss her, I can understand you feeling a bit rejected. Can you say to her that you understand she might not be up for it for a year or two, but at least if she'd let you hug her etc you'd feel less physically distant.

"I do most of the housework. Unless it really piles up then OH will step in or if I ask him to do something, he will happily do it. He works 8 - 10 hours every day. I do not work so I am grateful to him for working to keep us going"

But you doing all that you do enables him to work.

Are you saying that he wouldnt be working if he didnt have a family. That he would be signing on

Redsharks thank you so much for your honest post. I read it yesterday and last night for the first time since our second was born (she’s almost 1) I went home and allowed him to be affectionate, I let him hold me. And it was lovely. Your post really struck a chord with me. I hope you find a new happy ending

Ah... no... sorry I wasn't clear @HelenaDove

We agreed prior to DS's birth that I would give up my job as it made no sense to carry on. I was only part time, travelling 60 miles every work day. By the time we factored in childcare costs, it made no sense... all my wages would go on travel costs and childcare. Literally all of it.

My OH was already working but he's had to up his hours a bit as I don't contribute anything financially at the moment. He pays all bills and mortgage. For me, not being able to pay my half, it really irks me. I'm an egalitarian and firmly believe in 'paying my half' as it were. So for me, cleaning and doing the chores and looking after DS is my contribution to our little family... it balances out in my mind anyway 😂

Ah i see what you mean Your contribution is just as valid though.

Your focus seems to be on sex, and not on the connection between you. If you concentrate on building non-sexual intimacy you might find that sex returns by stealth. But it has to be initiated by your wife. And she has to know you are willing to wait for her, if indeed you are.

As I'm reading this I might not to be able to give you a solution as I'm in the same place myself but might be able to see things from a different perspective or may trigger something that you didn't think of. Or simply just to empathise to know you're not on your own.

A bit of back ground. For me things changed when we had our son just over three years ago. Looking back things moved quite quickly for us when we first met and I often wonder whether he was really that into sex then although we certainly had more than we do now. I am also pregnant again. It's like The immaculate conception the only time we have had sex in months and I fall pregnant. (I initiated that too). I am happy that we are having a sibling for my son despite what is going on between us.

Us women are complicated, emotional and highly tuned into our feelings. I'm not saying men can't be also but I think my thoughts and feeling run much deeper than my husbands. I know although I have tried to talk to my husband about why we are not having regular sex or even any intimacy he just admits that it's not good enough. We need to make more time for ourselves etc etc. He has a stressful job and is amazing at providing and a great father I should add. It's hard for me to work out whether he really wants to try with me. I often feel like as he's a bit of a perfectionist that I'm just here to provide him with children and help him project how happy and successful he is on the outside or whether he actually cares about me and my feelings. Or whether he has difficulty showing emotions.

For me because the communication has stopped flowing, it ultimately means that the rejection I feel means I almost feel so hurt I've given up trying. I constantly analyse everything (or lack of) and just feel sad that I crave much more than he gives me. I don't want to beg for affection so it means I can be short with him as snappy. I guess it's isn't helpful,and can mean things turn into a viscous circle as you then have two people who feel undervalued and under appreciated.

I only work part time and I f I didn't want to I wouldn't have to work but I enjoy the interaction so I have kept doing so. I get to spend a lot of time with our son and feel like because we don't have any family nearby we have slowly begun to focus less and less on us as a couple and we just seem to tag team with childcare and chores. I feel like my husband places more values on the house looking nice, exercise which he gets every day on the way into work therefore there might be a bit of resentment from me.

We do a lot as a family but the emphasis is on making our son happy or our house nice, not on each other. Sex has slowly become a bit awkward and a taboo and maybe I've made too much a big deal about the lack of it in the past it's easier not to do/discuss it.

I think when you stop talking about things it just makes things that bit worse. Slowly over time you start feeling the distance and feel further apart as the mundane routine of life gets in the way. I wonder how other people keep it alive or is it they just have the chemistry that binds two people together and whilst marriage won't be easy for those that are meant to be together. The ones that aren't don't stand a chance.

There are so many different dynamics to successful couples and I don't know where you and you're wife fit In but I feel like with us there is always this emptiness. I wonder whether he feels it too. We are together but we are not really together. Lack of connection. My husband thinks I'm mental when I talk about things like this. He thinks I over think things.

I live in a permanent state of weighing things up as to what can I live with and what i can't I live without. It's torture. Obviously I can't act on things as I'm pregnant so stuck for the time being but my gut constantly tells me that I should go. I'm mid thirties and I believe I'm too young not to have a fully contented sex life. It goes deeper than that though. I have done hours of thinking whether breaking my family up is going to be beneficial or detrimental. I think demonstrating a lack of intimacy/affection to your children isn't normal. I don't want my son thinking our relationship is normal. I want him see his parents laughing, happy, at ease.

I think the long term affect could have a negative affect not only on my own feelings but on that of my family. Our son comes before everything and its him that makes the decision so much harder. It would be easier for me to stay with my husband in some ways. It the thought of enduring this coldness for a life time fills me with dread.

I feel so frustrated. I often feel like I'm the man in our relationship. I just feel undervalued and unloved. I often feel like when he comes through the door after work and kisses our son he might peck me if I'm lucky but then he will be pottering tidying up and I feel like he sees what I have not don't rather that what I have. It's just so sad.

I won't deny that he's excellent at cooking and helping me around the house which I know so many men do not do. So I'm permanently In-between thinking should I be happy with this arrangement and settle (marriage is full of compromise etc etc) or do I wish he would be more like a normal man and desire me more.

If he was all over me like a rash I think that would annoy me too. He was very respectful towards me after our son was born. But our sex life is so bad I've resorted to making a diary to how often we have sex. We have seen a counsellor. Didn't really help. Actually we have seen two. After the first one I almost left him. Or was on the cusp. Then as a last ditch effort he said can we try once more. We tried another and not long after that I fell pregnant so there you have it.

Have you tried counselling? I sometimes think hormones and imbalances can be so normal for women after childbirth. We have all sorts of things going on.

What was your wife's parents relationship like? Loving? I know that my husband parents have been married for a long time and seem to argue and bicker and tolerate each other as opposed to,
Loving one another. I think that is his example of a relationship and he thinks that is normal how can that have not affected him and how he is.

Funny thing is is he shows alot of affection toward our son so he is capable of it. Perhaps I'm the problem.

Anyway sorry for the life story. I find it difficult to speak to anyone as it's so private. Ultimately I need to make a decision but I sincerely empathise with how you're feeling and you're not alone.

Wish you all the best with your wife and hope you find the answers you're looking for on here.

So sad to see these types of thread still goiilng on. I posted in summer 2017 and nothings changed. Last time for me now was Sept 2017 and that was probably a pity fuck as it were.
Been on holidays since and nothing.
At home nothing.
It's still transactional as do not doubt for one moment if bought designer stuff of jewellery then it would be allowed. It's not part of what she thinks about at all. Says she's menopausal but has been so for years now. More excited at buying stuff than anything else.
I cannot conceive what it must be like to have a sex life now. Am only 49 but feels like it is all over. Its not the be all and end all but it'd be nice.
Married 22 years and sex always procreation than recreation.
It's not worth raising as just cause aggro but feck, I do feel dead inside most of time.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

It's not reasonable for her to expect you to live like this. And I'd obviously say the same if the roles were reversed.

Really sorry if I've unintentionally resurrected an old thread, folks

For some reason, my phone was showing it as more recent than it actually is.

It sounds like she got the kids she wanted so why have sex again? It's a horrible trick that some women use, instead of discussing how she feels about sex BEFORE she gets married. These same women are the ones who are distraught and devastated when their husbands find sex somewhere else. Their attitude tends to be "Well, sex just should not matter any more, because I say so. Why can't my husband just forget about it and grow out of it?" These women have NEVER really strongly desired their husbands, but they've put on a good act because they wanted "to get married and have kids." Ask her straight out if she'd be happy if you found a sexual partner? The answer will be No. Why can't women realise that sex is very important to men?