OP, I read your first few posts and thought you sounded nice and I wanted to give you some advice. As you go on the veneer of understanding falls away a bit and it seems more obvious that you are resentful and feel your 'good behaviour' should 'earn' you sex. This makes me like you less tbh... but nonetheless I'll give you my view on what may be behind your situation and what you might do.
The key thing is what was your sex life like before? If there was always an imbalance (you 'wanting it', her 'giving it' to you) then there's a deeper problem with the relationship and you may just be fundamentally sexually mismatched. Sexual compatibility - genuine compatibility - is very important and actually surprisingly rare. If it wasn't there to begin with, and you aren't just making a journey through the wilderness of young children right now, then your sex life together may be salvageable but you'll have to take a much more pragmatic view of sex, negotiate, and compromise, and not expect it to be all unspoken intuition and 'moments of passion'. You'll have to get over your reticence and really talk to her, and you'll have to make the effort to have that conversation in a way that doesn't involve whining and putting all the responsibility onto her. It will be hard work.
FWIW, my sex drive pretty much vanished after having my baby. I was tired and traumatised and breastfeeding (my drive does appear to be coming back a bit at 18 months as we dropped night feeds, which were most of her feeds, although I had some serious mood swings as my body adjusted to less feeding hormones). And frankly, I loved my baby with a bewildering force, like nothing I'd ever known, and it made the love I'd had for any romantic partners, including DP, look frankly puny by comparison.
And the only person I could reasonably expect to understand and share this love, which was genuinely the most terrifying, exhilirating, demanding and beautiful experience of my life - her other parent - well.... I know he loves her. But it is painfully clear to me that it is not qualitatively the same. It is probably a lot more sane and rational, and plenty of mums on here will tell me IABU. But she is not the burning centre of his world the way she is mine. Ultimately, he is, or feels he should be, the centre of his own. Still.
Our whole lives have changed around her, to be about her, and to me that feels like the natural and reasonable consequence of her existence - to him, I know it is a startling and unexpected and at times unwelcome thing. He clearly expected our lives to still be about us, with a baby. And will try and drag things around to that; and I try, but frankly it all feels like he's trying to pull us apart, to pull me away from her, and I know it isn't fair on him but I resent that instinctively. Him not loving her as much as I do (or in the same way I do is probably more accurate -this mad, all consuming way) sets us automatically at odds. And it makes me sad as I so want to share this life-altering experience with him, not have to fight him to hold onto it.
Just that massive change in my priorities means we have been dragged off the same page really. And if you don’t feel connected to someone, as well as feeling sexually disinterested due to exhaustion and breastfeeding/post-partum hormone changes, it’s going to be hard to summon up the enthusiasm to keep things ticking over.
I really think the only cure is a very frank conversation about your feelings, her feelings, your needs, her needs, and both of your capacities to compromise. Until you can knuckle up and have that conversation nothing will change, and she won’t be the one to force it as she is functioning well under the status quo. Own your own feelings while respecting hers and you should be able to have a conversation that isn’t whiney or blamey.
Another top practical tip from me is that timing is everything, and sometimes actually explicitly scheduling. Doesn’t work for everyone as it can make things feel too forced, but if I plan to have sex I can usually get in the mood for it. If I have it sprung on me when I’m not ready or interested it can make me feel trapped and defensive and puts me off other forms of intimacy in case they 'lead up to' sexual advances. ‘Usual’ sex times – first thing in the morning, last thing at night – don’t really work for a breastfeeding mum by and large, because you’re often knackered from either the night shift of feeding or a long day of child wrangling – and expecting to be interrupted by crying baby pretty much any minute can be off putting! If you work in the same role/place, could you ‘meet for lunch’ at a hotel or if close enough your house occasionally? Having it scheduled, time to prepare and get in the mood and look forward to it, and catching her when she’s got some energy and is in her ‘me’ frame of mind rather than her ‘mummy’ frame of mind might make all the difference. Just a thought.
Agree with PPs though, your characterisation of her as ‘your own wife’ is a bit creepy. She isn’t yours.