AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

[Dadboddancer]

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

Any serious views will be taken on board.

Take a day off when the kids are in nursery. Just one day. Do something together - a nice lunch, or a visit to a special place you haven't been to for a while. It's important to spend time as a couple, not just as mum and dad.

What apples said. I bet in two months you, and your wife, will be in a totally different place.

Bravo Apples - a lot of problems would be solved by this.

You sound lovely

I think you've made a lot of effort actually op. Im not sure what else you could have done work wise-you have financial commitments as a family and someone has to work more outside the home to earn money to meet those I assume?
I would have bitten my then husbands hand off if he'd worked a four day week and helped at home on the other days. Of course your wife is tired. But Im pretty sure you are tired too. I get a bit fed up of threads like this where whatever one partner has done to try and make sure things are equal is dismissed because being at home with kids or breastfeeding is always harder. It isn't-all the time-there are hard parts and easy parts as for any other job.

That said no one has a right to sex with someone else if they don't want to have it.
When my kids were young I just didn't fancy my husband that much tbh. And as time went on we fell into a pattern of having a non sexual relationship really-to the point where it actually felt awkward and weird to have sex with him. (There was other stuff around that in that I just didn't find him attractive objectively any more as well, which may not apply in your case).
What helped me was just sort of deciding to get on with it the first few times-because I wanted to try and save my marriage. And it ended up being not as bad as I thought-and eventually enjoyable. And it did work to a point. No amount of talking about it would have helped us at that stage because I found that to be a bit cringey tbh. As his wife I obviously knew he wanted sex and I'm sure your wife does too.

What others have said is true-it can take years for libido to come back after the small child stage. It just then comes down to how much of an issue, compared to how good the rest of your life together is really.
Sorry-I know that sounds a bit grim.

This is why i work full time, amd have done since they youngest ones were 18m and 9m. I found being at home with them exhausting and I didn't feel like me anymore,just a mum. I didn't want DH to touch me, he actually made my skin crawl and I would tense up if he cuddled me, would go to bed really early so he wouldn't try to initiate sex. I was so tired, I just didn't have any interest in sex or him really. Went back to work and even though I have a 2hr commute so an 11hr day I am so much happier and our sex life is better than ever. We have a cleaner twice a week and the shopping delivered so hardly any chores to do outside of laundry. Bliss!

I'm not saying this is what your wife is feeling, but for me once I was less tired and felt like me again, I was fine.

"I know this is harsh on her - but I work 50 hours/week - she works 24. This makes it hard to get the balance right."

No - you work 50-58 and she works 168!! Especially as she's probably still dealing with broken nights.

And are you ACTUALLY working 50 hours a week or are you inc commuting time and breaks in that? Cos when she's home with the kids WORKING at that, she never gets a break - EVER. Not even for a pee! Let alone free headspace that you get commuting, or tea breaks, or lunch breaks.

You say she does more housework - how much more? Honestly! Do you tidy up after yourself?

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Is all the mental load left to her too? Do you take any responsibility for booking appointments? Organising the grocery shop? Managing the family calendar?

"I think I feel worse this time as it didnt get better after baby 1 and now we have 2" baby 1 was still very young when baby 2 was born! Give her a frigging break!

Similar to Fermats my libido didn't really kick back in until dd was about 4. I'd split from my ex when she was 2 due to his cheating (which he tried to partly blame on this - but I later learned chances were he was cheating throughout the marriage). I didn't know of mn then and tried to "fake it till you make it" with now ex as I was under pressure from him basically from as soon as I had my 6 week check! After splitting from ex I started speaking to other mums about this irl and on another parenting forum and discovered it's very common for women not to be particularly interested for at least a year after giving birth.

But that's definitely not helped by husbands/partners who don't pull their weight or appreciate what their wives/partners are doing on a daily AND nightly basis.

In fact as I write that I have an idea.

I think all husbands/partners should do as much as their wives/partners inc getting up at night EVERY time their wife/partner is awake doing night feeds, early mornings etc etc for a month even - see how much you're in the mood for sex then!

I'm also getting the feeling you're seeing whatever you do as payment for sex. You pulling your weight housework/childcare wise doesn't mean she owes you anything in return - it's your home and children too, you are responsible for 50% of the housework and raising the children ANYWAY.

"These are things I can do without having to know what the children have eaten at lunch"

A financial management is a TINY part of household management

B you should care what the children have eaten at lunch WITHOUT it being necessary to 'your' tasks.

It sounds like you're not fully involved in your family.

Also I think u need to consider that u want sex knowing that she doesn't. Even if she were to agree to wat u want her heart isn't in it an she's told u y. I would be desperately sad if the sex was this one-sided. To me the intimacy is when both parties r giving themselves to each other

I just wonder why you had a second baby if your marriage was suffering after the first? at the moment you have two very young children, your wife is consumed with them and she most likely is in full mummy mode and is not feeling the need/want for sex.

Date night is a wonderful idea but I think a talk is needed as well, even if it is awkward.

First, you need to decide what your priorities are. If the worst was to happen and you didn't have sex ever again with your wife, would that be a deal breaker?
My DH and I haven't had sex for three years. We are older and our kids have left home, however, we are more at ease with each other now than we ever were. We hug and kiss daily, snuggle up on the couch every evening and hold hands when we're out. We just don't have actual sex. We do occasionally talk about it, and we both agree that it doesn't bother us. we love each other and feel very secure in our relationship.
When our children were younger, sex was a bit of a sore point, he wanted it more than me basically. Life just got in the way!

You really do need to sit down with your wife and take to her. Get someone to have the kids for a couple of hours, tell her that you need to discuss the way you feel and to listen to how she feels. Not with the intention of the conversation ending in sex, but in order to clear the air.
Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. Not talking can be.

Thanks for all the praise. I tries to make the list achieveable and by doing housework spontaneously you would be helping to reduce the mental load.

To clarify all the things on my first list were to be done at least once a week. So I didn’t say don’t talk about yourself. I said one time a week ask her how her day was, respond and listen without talking about yourself. One conversation a week not about you. Don’t say “how was your day?” then wait for her to stop talking and tell her how your day was. Actually talk to her about her.

Similarly you don’t have to stop saying you are tired just try to give her one day a week where you don’t complain you are tired! My hope is that trying not to say it once a week will make you notice how much you say it and how much of a habit it has become. I personally get annoyed if my partner spends all evening moaning about being tired, is too tired to listen to me about anything and then when the kids are finally asleep wants to waste precious sleep time having sex! Make time for sex by cutting down on moaning time.

@misericord thanks for your kind words. Nerves can keep regrowing for up to 2 years so looking at things that was I’m not even half way through healing yet - we’re keeping our fingers crossed.

There are some bitter, man hating ladies on MN, wow.

Three full-time days at work is far too much with two small children. Rather than all the pressure being on you to create time for love making by doing more at home, could your wife do less hours or days at work? Is money really that important, when your marriage is at stake? She’s already said she doesn’t want you to do fewer hours and her more outside the home, she wants to do the amount she does at home. It seems that reducing her work commitment could help.

I don’t understand where the figure of OP’s wife working 168 hours comes from? I say that as mum to a baby.

Where is your resentment directed OP? At your wife, dcs, your choice to have dcs, the very existence of housework and your own inability to do enough of it to make it 'done'?

It's just I find the idea of 'resentment' a bit odd. You've made choices that have changed your lives and you're now living those changed lives. So logically, the only person you can resent for your current situation is your past self, for having made those decisions.

But, while neither of you could know quite the full impact your joint choice to have children would have, you will both be past the hardest phase in a year or two. That's life. Other than railing against biology for making human infants demanding, I don't understand where 'resentment' comes in.

Resentment sounds like an adult expression of 'it's not fair!'. But who or what is it that owes you a duty of 'fairness'? Specifically, what you seem to be talking about, which is a duty to provide continuing elements of your previous, pre-dc life, while you also get two dcs? Who, or what is in a position to provide this to you (and to your wife presumably)?

You seem to want Schrodinger's dcs - both present and not present (having no impact on your life) at the same time.

LIfe ain't like that. You make a choice, there are consequences. The people who thrive are the ones who recognise the true nature of the change, embrace it and make the best of it, even while the future remains unpredictable. Life's losers are the ones who look constantly to the past and whine passively about life being 'not fair' as if some interventionist god of fairness is going to sort it all especially for them.

Back to your actual words: I do feel resentment that I'm working to give her that free time to counter the "mums do more" thing but I just cant do enough. How do you think she feels? Does she feel she can ever do enough, or that the work is ever 'done'? Surely this is a case for mutual sympathy and teamwork against the tidal wave of work you've mutually brought upon yourselves by having children? something to work together at, commiserate each other upon and jointly look forwards to the days and years when it all gets easier and you both have more time to relax and do other things.

That aside from the deep suspicion I feel when anyone frames another person's life experience and legitimate, personal feelings, in terms of a general concept or 'thing'. Your DW's life experience is not 'The mums do more thing', it is your own DW's, deeply felt, lived experience. I realise it's just an expression but it suggests a level of detachment on your part and speaks of your putting her in a 'mum' box built of your own (probably both of your) unquestioned assumptions about what that role entails. Question those assumptions. Discuss them.

Oh come on Lottie that’s totally unfair. Most marriages do not become sexless after children, OP did not choose this life or have any way of predicting it.

I didn't say they did or he should

I am questioning the way he frames the issue, in a way I hope might help him address it successfully.

Hi OP in your first post you said that you had sex a few times after your first baby then your wife unexpectedly conceived your youngest. Could it be that her interest in sex had disappeared due to hormones and tiredness with the first baby, then started to slowly return? Maybe this will happen again (hopefully not getting her pregnant right away this time). It might take longer this time as having two young children is even more tiring, but it could happen.

I do think you should make sure you are doing your true fair share of childcare and housework as suggested, and treating your wife nicely and work on improving communication between you both. If your relationship has deteriorated then even if her sex drive returns she may not really feel like being intimate. Not just that but of course you will both be happier overall if your relationship is good and you can talk about everything and work out any conflicts you might have.

I have to admit when I am breastfeeding I have absolutely no libido. It’s like the light switches off. Sex actually hurts a bit and have to force myself to do it. Breastfeeding Baby no 3 and it’s gone again. But with each baby it came back almost instantly as soon as l stopped feeding so sure will be the same with this one and we will get back on track.
Dh has been very understanding. However We are still very intimate and affectionate and I think that is the main problem you have. Communication is the key. I talk to dh about it totally openly - he is happy that it is just temporary. I think you need to know that it is a temporary thing or not. And explain that you just want intimacy but don’t expect anything more.

OP applesandpears advice was fantastic I agree with another poster it should be laminated and given to all dads!

I am the wife in a sexless relationship. My DH has lost his libido which has been really hard on me. It's been 7 years for us.

I am drinking spearmint tea in an attempt to reduce my libido. I read somewhere that this can help. I'm also getting involved with lots of sports - as an adrenalin boost - which also seems to help. And lots of self pleasure, of course, although I am not sure if that raises the libido even more... I don't want to leave so I am trying all I can.

I think it’s a case of waiting it out until this horrible (for both of you) stage passes. I went off sex so massively after each pregnancy despite fancying my husband and genuinely liking and loving him. I think it was a hormone change. My youngest is 3 and my sex drive is normal again. This is just one of those “for better or worse” periods of time I think.

It can get worse when one partner perceives everything the other partner does as a “come on”. You mentioned that she makes it clear that a hug is just a hug and that makes it clear she has reached that point. This is sad because it means any affection is held back.

You know what would help? Telling her that you love her but need affection and putting in place a sex ban. Say to her that you don’t wish for her to feel pressured so could you set a certain length of time where you are banning sex. Point out that this means all kisses and cuddles will not be to lead to sex. This should help to alleviate her pulling away because she doesn’t want to encourage you. Hopefully this will restore intimacy and help you to reconnect.

Pressure turns women off. Even if you are desperately trying not to put pressure on her, she will still feel it as pressure because she knows there is a problem too, deep down.

'My DH and I haven't had sex for about a year. My reason is I just don't fancy him any more'

This ^

Or sex wasn't that good to start with but they tolerate it for the sake of having DC etc. People having really good sex don't tend to go off it.