AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

[Dadboddancer]

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

Any serious views will be taken on board.

You mightn't come home and out your feet up but you don't clamp a baby on your nipple either.

Based on the title I was sure you were going to be unreasonable but after reading your post I have changed my mind. You sound like a decent and caring man, unfortunately this is a very common problem and there is no easy answer. A woman's body goes through so much during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, sometimes a decent sex life can be very low on the list of priorities. All that you can do is talk to her and try to find out what the issue is. You will get some good advice on here if you stick around from people cleverer and more experienced than me. Hope you can work things out.

A browse of The Guardian/Lifestyle/Relationships/Love & Sex pages might also give lots of helpful insight, also from both perspectives.

Loads of great advice from PPs. I’m probably being going to be quite simple, but how much time away from your DC do you and your DW get? And how much housework do you really do?

For me, when my dh is pulling his weight in the house and I don’t feel like EVERY SINGLE THING is down to me I’m much more in the mood, but when he doesn’t I have neither the time nor inclination to have sex with him because I’m seething with resentment and just can’t switch to feeling sexy. It does make me sad and I miss sex, and am trying to move past it, but it’s difficult.

Apologies if I’ve missed it, but what does your Dw say about it?

People seem to forget that sex's original purpose is to make babies. If she's stressed out from looking after 2 then why would she want to 'make' more? (I know, contraception stops it, but look at it from biological aspect)

Also don't compare hours worked. Looking after kids is hard work. Some mums actually prefer going to work than staying at home looking after kids. How about she goes to work 50 hours and you try working 24 and doing all the hard work? Maybe then you'll get laid.

"Hormonal contraceptives or breastfeeding can totally kill libido for women."

This ^^.

Once I stopped breastfeeding DD it was if a switch had been turned on. It made a huge difference.

OP, it's not even the doing your bit so much as it can be the lack of understanding about what being a super mum entails. And that can lead to resentment on her part. I haven't written my comment to be unnecessarily mean, but you'll find it is a problem a lot of women have, and it can lead to distance within a marriage.

My libido dropped massively since having DS 8 months ago but we're slowly getting back to how things used to be. Part of the problem was undiagnosed PND for months and partly because I felt like DH wanted it all the time (which he does. He has a very high sex drive)
I agree with PP who said they'd rather their partner wash up. If DH does the dishes I feel a lot more relaxed from not doing them

There are lots of viewpoints and experiences here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3328279-To-think-you-can-t-have-it-both-ways-regarding-sex

How were her labours? I love sex and fancy the pants off my husband, but since a forceps delivery with episiotomy I have 2 sorts of prolapse and nerve damage and sex feels numb and devastatingly sad. Makes me cry in secret for days afterwards because I miss being able to feel/ enjoy it so much, can’t orgasm at all on my own and only very weak and disappointing with husband (and definitely not from penetration) I think due to massively weakened pelvic floor muscles, and it also fills me with nauseating envy because his body still works and mine feels broken and defective. It’s easier to avoid it because it is so unfulfilling and feels like having what I’ve lost rubbed in my face. I’m 11 months post partum too - could she be experiencing similar? I’m really not sure anyone can understand the impact of birth injuries on sex until you’ve experienced it directly.

If it’s any consolation OP, many women get msssive surges in libido in their late 30s / 40s. They reconnect with their bodies after the “baby blur” years. I’m sure your wife loves you very much, but her whole mindset has shifted. She won’t be thinking about her own needs at all, in any way, not just sex. You feel like your whole physical and mental being is kind of “on loan” to the babies, if that makes sense. You’re simply responding and you don’t have time to think proactively of about what you want.
I agree with Slimtime - try and reconnect through going out for dinner or whatever you both like to do. Help her remember she’s a woman in her own right, not just a mum. No doubt her libido will come back with a vengeance! Hang in there. I didn’t know what hit me when I turned 38 or so .
Good luck because you sound lovely.

I know this is harsh on her - but I work 50 hours/week - she works 24. This makes it hard to get the balance right.

That might be the problem right there - breastfeeding mums work 168 hours/week with no breaks.

YANBU, it glues you together relationship-wise, keeps the love alive (sorry that sounds a bit cheesy re-reading). But addressing your OP directly: YANBU (again) otherwise what are you? Friends? Flat mates who share children? I think once that desire goes or is let go it's very hard to get back. Use it or Lose it to coin another cheesy expression.

Loads of rhetorical questions - not expecting replies but to think on.

Do you feel like a team, with a shared agenda? Or is it the agenda of one of you with the other supporting that? Is there a plan at all or are you simply working on "what works for our family right now"? How does she feel about these matters? Have you spoken to her about the balance? Is she exhausted? Are you? You speak of knowing that the childcare and housework are monotonous, which is good (some men don't really acknowledge this) but not about how she feels about the current set up. 50 hours is a lot of work, and so is doing 90% of the housework and childcare. Worth noting - if you're working 50 hours and she's working 24, you're doing 68% of the wage-bringing whereas she's doing 32%, just taking hours into account. If you count commute time this may be more like 66/33. (IMO this needs to be counted in terms of hours and/or effort required, rather than money made). Does the division of home-based tasks reflect this? Is she expected to be "household manager" in the manner of organising, delegating and arranging what tasks need to be done when and by whom, is this factored in to the workload or invisible? Is the balance, overall, working for your family or are you both doing too much? Is this temporary - should it be? Your children are at demanding ages.

It is good that you are still affectionate (cuddling) while respecting her boundaries that it not go further. Some men make the mistake of jumping on any affection/intimacy and trying to push it to sex and it really makes it very difficult to accept any affection at all because it becomes almost a fear. But affection is very important and often builds the foundations from which sex can grow again. Do you laugh together and spend quality time together? Support each other, get excited for or concerned about each other? Do you ever socialise as a couple (e.g. having friends over, if going out is difficult). Do you have time for these things?

What was sex like previously in your relationship? Did it seem like something she was eager for and excited about and enjoyed or something that she did more for your benefit than her own, or more for intimacy than sexual satisfaction? Did you ever focus more on her than on yourself or did it always feel fairly equal from your point of view? Does she like to masturbate that you know of? Are you aware that sex can often be fairly unsatisfying and cause discomfort for women, not necessarily during the act but afterwards too? Is it possible that there are hormonal issues, body image issues, or discomfort issues relating to childbirth injury which might be getting in the way of her relaxing and enjoying sex? Is she anxious about becoming pregnant?

I totally get that she does more than me - is more tired.

I hope you can see I've tried to work on this -changing work etc.

I do feel some reverse resentment. I dont have a hobby. Dont see friends regularly. Do all the "get ups" on my days off to give her a lie in as I accept that breast feeding is more tiring.

I'm working on doing more on the house to give more free time - Im currently on mumsnet as I've sent her out with friends to watch Mamma mia!

I do feel resentment that I'm working to give her that free time to counter the "mums do more" thing but I just cant do enough. I will never be able to do enough as I dont have boobs - but I am working at it.

Is the occasional moment of passion just too much to ask?

I clearly remember when breastfeeding that my body felt less sexual as my breasts were to feed the baby. I felt anxious that my dp was going to pay too much attention to my breasts and I would leak. He also forgot once and sucked my nipple and milk came out. Passion killer! Could the issue be something like this?

But you're still not telling us what she says is wrong...

With a breastfeeding 11mo I think you just need to be a bit more patient. You aren't entitled to sex, and feeling under pressure to provide it is a massive turn off. During the baby period my libido was lower as I was tired, my breasts hurt, and I had my fill of physical contact.

Ideally you need to talk about it, but it needs to be it a way that makes it clear you aren't just asking for sex, like it's another chore she needs to do.

When my libido was low the things that helped were my partner doing more of the housework and childcare, so I could get more sleep, and him making me feel loved and valued in a way that wasn't connected to sex.

Also, I absolutely agree that while I was breastfeeding I didn't want my breasts touched in a sexual way at all!

I really think your next step is to talk to her, ask her how she feels about everything in her life: juggling work, kids and everything else. I think it’s so easy to hunker down and just ‘get through’ when life is challenging and kids are little. This is the starting point to finding out what is wrong. And it’s also just a really good thing to do anyway - for you both.

Sorry OP, just re-read my second comment and it came across way more snappy than I intended: you do sound like you’re aware and making an effort.

It may just be a case of allowing the changes to your work schedule/her getting a bit more free time to bed in, and giving it time.

I have spoken to her about it once.

I found it a very hard line to tred - on one hand wanting to build our relationship - on the other hand whining about not getting any I'm sure is a massive turn off.

She said some of the things you said here. "Touched out", "tired", "tired of having to think about everything".

This also causes a little resentment in me. Whilst she certainly is the "mum manager" ( the biggest job I know) - I'm the house manger (Do mortgage/bills/ banking/ arranging work/insurance.) These are things I can do without having to know what the children have eaten at lunch

I know this is a lesser role - but because shes at home more its hard for me to be the "Dad manager"

Again - my bigger concern is that this is not our first baby. It didnt get better first time - why is now any better?

I know this is massively shallow buy compliments mean SO MUCH
FEELINS flabby Of belly and old and tired means you feel ugly

Well I do. And MY FRIEND carried my baby.
Try affection and smiles and positive comments without actually leering and latching (how we can ‘see’ it🙄)

Letching

Last and interesting point - we actually do the same job!

I offered her a chance to role reverse as the money would be the same and I wanted to bond more with our son. She didnt want to take that options as she enjoyed the time at home.