AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

[Dadboddancer]

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

Any serious views will be taken on board.

@EuphoricNight and I haven't gone off it at all. Just gone off it with DH. 🙁

I found breast feeding made my libido tank.
Also hormonal contraception had a big effect in killing my sex drive - much more noticeable after having kids, with the associated tiredness.

The mini pill was the worst - ironically often given to breast feeding women.

If Daniel Craig (a big crush of mine) had appeared in the bedroom ready and willing, I'd have had no interest!

Coming off hormonal contraception and finishing breast feeding meant the sex drive came flooding back, sadly in the meantime my marriage had collapsed as he had started an affair. Please sort this now while you still can

Well said fanfan. This bloke sounds decent and like he can't do much more. Having two babies is hard--for both mum and dad. Not all men are slivers, no matter what experiences some of you have had.

Is op coming back???

*skivers

But the point is that decent bloke or not sex should never be used as a form of bartering or payment

A decent man should be supportive and help out and it should be an equal partnership but he should not be doing those things with the expectation that doing so should lead to sex because they deserve it for doing so. Sex should form part of an equal loving relationship but the line between that and as currency can get blurry and that is what causes the issues

Ennirem is exactly right it starts to come across that he is expecting it because he does it without understanding how his wife is feeling and that can put any woman right off

When my youngest dc was 3 I thought I had completely gone off sex and/or dh.
We had a weekend away and I was frankly dreading the pressure to have sex
But after a night being us again with a nice meal and a good sleep and waking in my own time for the first time in nearly four years with nothing to do but please ourselves for another 24 hours - I was totally up for it
Such a relief.

With me it was my exhaust that went off sex.Not a problem initially as we still did things together,laughed a lot,cuddled so I didn't initially miss the sex as my body was adjusting too.
Then his dad died and he became suicidal/depressed.That was hard work but we came through except that now there were fewer and fewer cuddles,doing thing together dwindled and he started to drink...That was what killed our marriage.
If you are still functioning as a couple then the intimacy may return but you need to find a way to talk.

"Woman posts that her husband doesn't want sex anymore = 'He's gay', 'he's having an affair', 'he's asexual'"

Bullshit Japan When a woman posts that her husband dosent want sex anymore shes asked if shes put on weight..

Speaking from first hand experience on all of this (as a woman). What you describe is very very common. First of all, studies show that long term relationships themselves cause a decline in spontaneous sexual desire in women.

Plus childbirth, breastfeeding etc on top - can leave you with a very changed view of your own body and sexuality. And the feeling of being pressured to have sex makes things even harder. All of this adds up to a situation where sex is the last thing you want - even in a great relatiohship where you love each other, work as a team, are able to solve other issues.

The current research based understanding of female sexuality is fascinating, and very out of line with what is generally portrayed in the media. Understanding it can help.

With my relationship facing similar problems to yours, I joined an online course with The Havelock Clinic, I did a course aimed at women. thehavelockclinic.com/ Although I still have to put effort and work into sex, the learnings enabled to me much happier and and me and my partner can both see a way forward in our sex life.

They have a course for men, as well as the one for women in long term relationships. It might be good for you to understand more about how sexuality works for women in your partner's position

thehavelockclinic.com/workshop/sex_life_after_kids_for_dads/

Good luck. Don't assume that things can't be changed.

I'm a bit like this at the minute with my DH. We have an 11 month old.

When I'm not at work, I spend my days being used as a climbing frame or luging around my son. Once he's in bed I simply want to be left alone and not be harassed.

I also never get time to be me. The girl I was before children. Maybe you could give your wife the day off. Like, properly off. No kids, no chores, just free time to be who she wants to be.

Good luck with your marriage OP, I think it deserves some hard work to try and keep your family together.

She is likely exhausted and being touched all the time by the children. It is hard to understand when it isn’t happening to you, but it is incredibly overwhelming. Add in the mental load of keeping track of everything for everyone in the household and there just isn’t energy left for anything else.

Things that helped my husband and I
Hiring cleaners
Him taking on tasks without asking for my direction. An example, Feeding the kids without asking me what they should eat
Helping me get more sleep. The truth is that I need more than him. Equal sleep time doesn’t necessarily equate to equal rest.
Time. This is important. There will come a day when there isn’t a kid climbing into her lap every time she tries to sit down and take a breath. When that happens, intimacy will start to return.

Believeitornot, your situation is a bit like ours in some ways. Similar aged DC and my DP felt touched out and exhausted constantly. She probably resented me for not experiencing the same, although I do understand that it's relentless, especially when you have more than one small child. Your DP is a complete dick for being disappointed at the suggestion of twice a week (I'd be happy with twice a year tbh)! I don't pressure her, in fact I don't even ask, although she knows I would like to have sex. What i don't understand, is how she thinks I'm going to be OK with a complete lack of sex for the foreseeable future and possibly forever. I wouldn't mind if she acknowledged it was a problem in our relationship, we could work on that together. But the few times we have discussed it she just says she's got no interest in sex and that's the end of it. At least you and your DH are working on it.

Mummyschnauzer, I can totally relate to your experience and how you feel, although I'm a man who was rejected for years (I don't even try anymore). I agree that if one partner doesn't want sex they shouldn't expect the other partner to be fine with that. It sounds like your arrangement is working out and you are perhaps all happier because if it? Do you mind me asking, does your DH know about the arrangement (not judging either way)? And how on earth do you go about finding a fwb?! I wouldn't know where to start. My partner suggested I find a sex worker, but it was in the heat of an argument so I don't know if she was being genuine.

@Gottalovethesummer

'Oh no someone doesn't agree with me; must be a troll then'

I know this might sound strange but some people have opinions that differ from your own. Crazy right?

It is worth trying the counseling approach of course.

Realistically thought it seems like you (like so many other posters in the forums) has significantly mismatched libidos. That never ends well, relationships deteriorate, neither person is happy, etc.

You just might need to split up if you ever want to have regular sex with a close partner again. Life is short.

Gottalovethesummer

Maybe because we're the only ones on this fucking thread speaking any sense?

Op, please take care not to attribute your oh with feeling or thinking what some on here suggest. You need to speak to her. There are many angry women on MN and she wouldn't want to to be lumped in with them any more than you would want to be grouped with all other men.

Of course there's been some useful advice but forums can be dangerous places to ask for opinions, especially on delicate situations such as this.

Speak to your other half. And in answer to your question, of course you should expect to be able to sleep with your wife. Sure you can work it out with her, with honest communication and patience.

Woman use their minds with sex try creating a mood and talk about a sexy time. Good movie might help good food wine candles nice blankets. Whatever turns used to put her in the mood

@Frazzledkate do u really believe someone can expect sex from someone?

I don't think anyone is entitled to sex (from anyone including partners) if one party is not consenting - tbh writing this seems like stating the obvious to me. The op's wife is currently not consenting as is her right.

Haven't RTFT, sorry. But I would suggest speaking to her outside the bedroom, not at night time. I would tell her you find her very attractive (she might not feel that way), but that you understand sex isn't high on her list of priorities right now, and suggest that for X number of weeks sex is off the agenda but you would like to kiss and cuddle. My bet is that she has cut out physical contact because she thinks you will see it as a precursor to sex (not saying you will!) so its easier to just do nothing than risk leading you on. If you agree not to do anything besides kiss and cuddle for a set period, the pressure might be taken off. At the end of that time, maybe step it up a bit to a bit of foreplay but again with no expectation of more, then set a date night together which you arrange (baby sitter, meal etc so it doesn't add to her mental load) and see if it happens that night. If it does, great. Then maybe agree to it once a month to start with. If not, maybe suggest counselling.

My libido was massively low when I was taken the contraceptive pill. I came off it to see if it cleared up my acne I was getting and I found my libido returned. My dh and I now have a better sex life but we have to use condoms and or withdrawal which isn't ideal.
I think it is important to find a way to talk to your wife about it.

@Ennirem what you described about your love for your baby, and your husbands is EXACTLY how I feel and have struggled to articulate.

@watsmyname I do in the sense that a person in a long term, loving relationship should expect intimacy, yes. Obviously not without consent but that doesn't mean the feeling of wanting it and needing it and feeling that one's needs aren't being met without it. I think two people in a relationship should communicate about why it's not happening and be patient when there are complex reasons why one side doesn't want it temporarily. But yes, I don't think there is anything wrong with expecting it at some point in a relationship and feeling hurt if it doesn't ever seem likely it will happen. I think both parties have a responsibility to talk honestly about each others needs and compromise/ change/ be selfless in order to be happy together.
That seems reasonable.

@Frazzledkate I think you and I disagree on what intimacy is. You can be intimate in many ways other than sex. What is not intimate is expectation or entitlement. I agree the op should talk about the issues and express his sadness at the lack of sex but think expectation is a step too far imo.

Surely after the huge changes in this families life over the last number of years the op's wife can expect a bit of understanding that until she is ready to be open to intimacy then it's a waiting game since she has given so much of herself physically an mentally?

Lack of a sex drive (Unless down to physical like hormones) is generally a result of something else. So simply trying to have sex won't help the something else. In my opinion you need to get to the route of something else.

So I would start by saying you would like to understand what has changed from the time in the relationship when you used to have more sex.

For me a time in my relationship when we were having lots more sex we were dating so we would go out all evening and just speak to each other. We would have alot more non sexual touching. We woke up in the morning and cuddled all of these things are naturally very helpful to build up a sex drive. What we are doing now is looking to bring those things back into the relationship.