AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

[Dadboddancer]

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

Any serious views will be taken on board.

You’ve talked about it ONCE???

I think you have a point that this is not enough communication. In fairness OP has a point too, though - how could he repeat that he wants more sex without it amounting to unattractive pestering, or say that rejection is making him feel low in a way that definitely isn't a massive turn-off.

@OP: I think you have the only viable approach, to live with it and make occasional sensitive overtures, but other posters talking about communication are right - I would pick your moment and tone so it isn't like a big criticism and lay cards on the table in a kind and decent way about how you feel once. After that you can return to being subtle because you will have been clear about what the problem is.

I understand how you feel op, I've been in your shoes.

Our sex life however was already in decline before our dd was born. I've always had a higher sex drive to my H. We've had so many arguments about it, which would lead to pity sex and then nothing again for months. We had sex 7 times one year. It broke my heart. He couldn't see that to me I felt like we were nothing more than friends without the sex and intimacy.

Anyway if I can give you some advice it would be this....
Have a night together WITHOUT the kids and have a talk about how you feel about each other. DO NOT bring up sex but tell her you still love and desire her. That you still see her as your wife and not just a mother. Tell her that you hope she still feels the same about you and that you hope to one day get back on track as a romantic couple. Tell her you will never refuse cuddles and kisses but if she prefers you can hold back until she is ready.

Tell her that you MISS HER.

I hope it works out for you. You sound like a nice man.

I feel like if you try to reframe your mind to understand making love to be less about the physical sensations and more about the emotional ones... and for that you need to mean it.. she will come round

I mean.. about how the closeness makes u forget the world and only think about her... how you escape from the universe.. how when she hugs u you feel this and that.

Ofcourse the physical compliments will follow. But really, let her know there is more to her than being a mother or a provider of physical desire...

Let her know that you are there for her to make her heart skip and feel loved again . Because a person who feels unloved, will only get drained if they have to give love .

Anyway you get it. It’s not about “leading up to it”,because she will feel used .. it’s about , the emotional side of things , and it is what she needs too.

Have skim read thread - ie OP posts and a few others. DP and I didn't really redevelop a sexual relationship until the youngest was sleeping through - about five years. But we did get it sorted, it was worth the wait.

@captainproton brilliant post.

It's all difficult and I hate that the taboo of sexless marriages is a thing just because admitting you've gone off someone in that way is the unspeakable! It doesn't have to mean you don't love each other, or parent brilliantly together - we're complex human beings.

I think rejection of intimacy is awful for those on the receiving end. And feeling obliged to be intimate when you're not feeling it is awful on the other side.

I feel bad that I came across as cold to my husband for several years - he was badly hurt by my lack of affection because the sexual spark had gone. I was conversely hurt by having to get drunk to force some sort of intimacy, leading to an alcohol dependence I'm still shaking off now.

Honest conversations need to be had basically. It's really hard, and there's such a expectation that you have to lump it (whatever side you are on - whether to lie back and think of England or not sexually bother your partner and so do without sex or intimacy for the rest of your life.

Separated now and its been horrible... but we've both found intimacy with other people and are healthier happier adults as a result and children don't now have a mother attached to a bottle of wine and a miserable dad.

So as you're still comparatively in the early days of your new family give it time, and talk as frankly as you can. If things don't change you may need to think carefully about what you both need in the future.

Op you do sound considerate but you're looking for an answer that isn't really there and the answers you have been given you don't really want to be true,
However considerate you try to be you just cannot completely understand how your wife is feeling. She probably doesn't want to be honest with you and you more than likely wouldn't be happy if she was.
The only answer to all of this is TIME.
You need to give it more time. Possibly a lot more time.

I really love my husband but I did feel very resentful towards him for a while. Not at all rationally, as he is lovely. I think time will resolve this op. I just didn’t have any spare energy to expend on anyone. I didn’t feel that spark of fancying my husband because I was so relentlessly tired. I think I felt most fond of him when he brought me coffee in bed in the morning, having got up with the babies !
I did ( and do) fancy him again though.
Sometimes distance helps, oddly. Meeting up out somewhere, seeing the person you love walk in, that kind of thing. It just helps bring the spark back.

You say a lot about 'wanting it' but not much (anything?) about 'giving it' - giving her pleasure.

You frame the idea of discussion in terms of you whining for sex, as if you're a randy leg-frotting dog and sex is a service she might offer you, if you're lucky.

Well...could you not have a discussion about what she wants, what would make her feel good? Wouldn't that be a better starting point?

Once she feels cared for and that you are able to offer affection without demands, she might gradually start to feel more physically well-disposed towards you.

You say you don't want to whine about it, so don't whine. Have an actual conversation. My husband and I ended up at Relate counselling when our daughter was about a year old because we weren't actually talking. It helped massively.

You have 2 kids, the youngest is less than a year and your wife is breastfeeding. Give her a break, do more child related work and just wait. I feel far more intimate when I've not been the "default" parent all day and had a chance to enjoy whatever activity has been going on.

Your youngest is only 11 months. You also have a preschooler. This is a very difficult stage and I would personally in your position wait. I wouldn’t tackle the problem again until she stops breastfeeding.

It is a gutting position to be in. But it’s hard having little kids.

I have two children one of whom is 11 months. I am not interested in sex at all. I am tired, always have at least one child usually within touching distance. I still love my husband very much but have next to no time for jus me never mind time an energy that I want to prioritise for sex. I do however try to give hugs, kisses an physical contact to my husband as it's important to show I still love him. I am honestly jus exhausted an look forward to more autonomy before I can give more of myself to my husband (tho I do feel bad about this)

I wonder if both of you decided that having a day at home was the best thing to do, especially it means if you are working long days the rest of the week. When I was on maternity leave I counted down the minutes until my partner got home. If your other half is working late then it is so hard to have to get through the day and then do the whole evening by yourself. It is knackering - my husband (who went part time at the same time as me and did a day at home on his own) described it as "unrelenting drudgery". Everyone wants something from you. Are you just someone else who wants something from your wife?

If you can sense your wife holding back from your hugs because she thinks they will turn into something else, why not reassure her first that it's just a cuddle? You do sound like you really are expecting something back for your efforts.

As others have said mortgage, bills, insurance really aren't the same, they are periodic, whereas her "management" tasks are constant.

OP. I have been your wife. I had 2 kids in 2 years.

With DH and I, it's not about sex at all really and the general state of our relationship. Basically, I had no interest in sex at all with anyone when my kids were babies. I was recovering from c-sections. And constantly knackered. But then as they've gotten older there's been a big shift in the dinamic in our relationship. Me being resentful towards DH for various things, mainly being he gets to go to work and have a normal life all day, and DH resents me for being home all day etc.

You've mentioned it in some of your posts. There's things you resent about one another. No one really wants to have sex with someone you're tired and angry with. I think you should go for counseling. But you really need to look at the issues with your sex life as a symptom of other deeper issues in your relationship.

lottie agree with what you said

Cuddles. Just give her a quick hug in passing at any time of day. Don't make any kind of issue out of it at all. Just a fond hug or a brief shoulder massage when she is (for instance) peeling potatoes or doing the washing up. Kiss her on the top of the head.

Loads of affection but just not of the groping kind. She feels that her body isn't her own right now - she has two tinies who think it is their property, and she can't cope with any more. Not yet.

Dadboddancer I'm really sorry, this sounds very difficult.

I won't give you any advice but I will tell you what happened with me.

Our fertility journey was very hard, years of active sex while we tried to conceive, lots of fertility treatment after dd born, and then an adoption journey to gorgeous son.

In the midst of all this my libedo went south, seriously south.

My husband is attractive, fit and sexually very giving. But I just lost all interest in sex. We still did it. But it was not floating my boat some of the time.

As time went on I decided I needed to engage more, we bought some sexy undies for me, and I just had to make a mental effort to allow myself to enjoy sex with the man I loved. I cannot really say it any other way than that.

What I can say is that lots of things easily put me off. Unlike a person keen for sex, I was a person willing to consider it! If my husband was in any remote way annoying or unpleasant in the most minuscule way, it put me off!

Other things that put sex off the agenda:
Kids being awake
Me feeling fat or unattractive
Me having too much dinner and feeling full
Me and DH going to bed at different times (I'm a night owl!)
Me drinking wine and falling asleep!

So basically, I needed to make the effort to actually feel inclined for sex. I must say when we did it, it was often good, fun, etc.

The bottom line is, my husband is attractive, I love him but I still went off sex. I think both parties need to want to make it work. I did. I waned things to go well, I wanted to want sex and I found the more I did actually choose to have sex the more I did want it (as long as nothing put me off!).

That's my experience, take from it what you will.

Good luck.

I've stopped bf 2 months ago and my libido is coming back after 2 kids and 3,5 years without (much - like once every 6 months) sex. We explicitly said sex was off the table actually. DH and I just took 2 days off together while the kids were at nursery, bought new toys and shagged like teens. It'll be back. Just be an ally, not a dick.

And you're most probably not the manager of anything. What's your kids shoe size, when will they need new pair, where will you go buy it and what 11mo babies wear as shoes? What's for diner for the next 2 nights and is it balanced with the rest of the week do you need to do some shopping for it and do meal prep in advance by the way have you added washing liquid to the shopping list and thought of what would be an age appropriate gift for you DN's birthday in 2 weeks? I can go on like this for the next 2 hrs.

I have children similar age and I don’t feel like sex much. However occassionally when I get a decent amount of sleep AND a decent amount of time to myself with no children AND my partner is cheerfully and friendly I feel horny again. So I suggest you set yourself a goal to do all of the following at least once a week. 1) Take both kids out of the house for at least 2 hours unprompted. Pack the bag yourself. Decide where to go yourself. Come back cheerful and don’t try to give the kids back when you walk through the door. 2) Stop saying you feel tired. When your wife says she is tired sympathise, tell her you appreciate everything she does and make sure she gets as good a sleep as possible. 3) At a quiet time ask her how her day was. Really listen. Ask follow up questions. Don’t talk about yourself. 4) Make her laugh 5) Bring her home something she will like. Something she likes to eat or something small but significant. Not flowers. Something personal. 6) Remind her of something cool you did together before kids. Every single day: 1) Tell her you love her 2) Pick up after yourself (dishes, laundry) 3) Spend at least 30 mins doing something housework like (not diy) without being asked or mentioning you have done it. Try it for 2 months and come back and tell me how your marriage feels now.

I feel like your wife and it is very difficult to know what to do about it. It won't be your fault though. I am hoping things between me and my husband will get better over time as the kids grow and I am less tired however I'm coming to the realisation that it may be very hard work to get back on track.

My own experience with 3 kids 2 of which we had in sucession is / was resentment towards my dh.

we have a 14 month age gap between the younger 2 my memory of being on maternity leave was being completely frazzled.

I felt my dh didn't help out I felt completely depressed . The only thing that saved me was going back to work.

Since going back I'm my old self confident bubbly etc and I find it hard to have sex with him.

The kids are 5 and 4 years old.

Between working full time and the kids there's little time for intimacy.

we have a sexless marriage as I don't want him touching me at all because of the way he acted .

It's unresolved and now deep seated.

Could it be like in my case your dw feels the same that you aren't doing enough.

My own situation is now I don't even know if I am in love with him I question it because I don't want him touching me.

I hate how people in relationships often have it in the backs of their minds that they may split up when things aren't going right. Even when painful or difficult, remain committed to each other and don't think about a way out, especially when there are children involved. You've got two babies there, things have been turned upside down in every way for you both. Find time to just be together, and try to get through the next 6 months as a team. Agree with pp's, both on the breastfeeding being a libido killer, and on the need to communicate. You're gonna have to be brave and broach the subject, but Id leave it another couple of months until baby a bit easier. Tell her you love her and you're totally committed to her but that you need physical intimacy of some sort. Sounds unromantic but could you come up with an action plan, maybe regular date nights and holding hands, then cuddles, in the hope of building up to eventual sex. Or, to put it bluntly, can she touch you (she may find this the easier option at first rather than the other way round). But yep, you need to TALK and find a way forward together. You sound lovely and I hope you can work it out so you're both happy. Hang in there, children change everything but it's temporary and will improve, sooner or later

And be totally honest with each other. If you're committed and honest, there's not much you can't work through imo

This is an interesting thread because for once there are other women like me on it. I always thought I was alone as mumsnet usually replies 'I wouldn't put up with that. It isn't a marriage without sex' or something similar. But it seems there are a few of us around who feel the same. So maybe your wife feels like me:
Breastfeeding, touched out, need space not intimacy.
Tired, no energy, need sleep not sex.
Unsexy, flabby, no time to exercise.
Horrible birth, feel weird and self conscious about my body.
Actually have no time to dedicate to this, but sex starts in the brain. If someone wants me sexually they need to be so very nice to me. Resentment is not sexy. A clean house and a healthy dinner is a good start.... at some point one day not soon now leave me alone oh is that the baby needing me again?

Bloody hell apples all that for a shag??