AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

[Dadboddancer]

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

Any serious views will be taken on board.

Do you want more children? Because you guys sound as fertile as us. And I definitely do not want to get pregnant again, and until DH has the snip there is no contraception I trust other than abstinence. Having another baby petrifies me. We do however have other moments of intimacy. So until the day comes when the snip is confirmed successful I will never agree to sex again.

DH knows that the best foreplay he could ever do is take the kids for the day and let me have some own time. Not doing sodding housework either.

Your wife has a grabby/chewy 11 month old on her Breasts. She has a toddler. She probably can't go for a wee in peace when at home and likely looks forward to work just to have one thought to herself without "mum"!!! Ringing in her ears.

She has given her body and all her energy to your family and she just doesn't have it in her to to give you, the other adult who is supposed to be sharing the burden of the early years. She isn't going to give you what you want until she feels like her old self again. That can take a long time.

Communication is key, but honestly you've moved down the pecking order and you have to wait until breast feeding is over. She is giving your baby her milk to give the best start in life. Cut her some slack.

My libido massively droped for about a year and a half after first child, I think it's nature's way of making you take a break between childbirths! Not yet back after 2nd baby (6 months ish) and I hope to god my husband doesn't feel rejected, as it isn't personal. Being tired is a huge thing but also I've never been quickly stimulated to sex- I have to be relaxed, not stressed and then mentally stimulated first- so a good night's sleep, erotic fiction and wine are a safe bet. If I plan ahead for sex (unromantic I know) then there's a baby sitter, a clean house, doing something together (like seeing friends) and then sleeping in the next day. As a side issue I spend a lot of time revolted by how I look, which makes me undervalue my dh's attention- if I could never find myself attractive I have a hard time believing he could.

Thanks everyone,

Its reassuring to know some have had similar experiences - but concerning to know that it doesnt always end well for the relationship.

I've very worried she has fallen out of love with me. I'm even more concerned she is thinking "I dont find him attractive but he works hard as a father so I will stay with him for the kids".

I think you need to talk to her about how you are feeling.
Work on the small things first maybe, touching each other in passing, the odd kiss, those everyday intimacy's that mean so much and from there you can build up again.

Op- maybe her body language reads “ oh gosh I hope he doesn’t ask me for it because I don’t feel confident about my body image and I don’t know if he thinks I’m pretty.”.

Try help her see herself as more than a mother. More Than woman with body flaws.

I would say.. continue to be the one to hug and take it one step at a time from there. It is ok, she needs u to restore her confidence. Assure her that she can tell u if she isn’t comfortable. Let her know what you see in her. Not just as a mother but as a wife. As a woman that stirs emotions and desires in you.

My wife is on full-time maternity leave with our first. I work a similar number of hours to you in a demanding technical job. I do a lot more than you say you do in the household, and I'm 30 weeks pregnant with a tonne of complications.
Stop thinking of her as the supermum and you as a dad doing your 'bit' (why not your share?) and think of her as an equal partner.

If it helps - my libido was pretty non-existent between first and second babies (similar gaps to you) but recovered once youngest 2 or so. I felt surrounded by people who wanted physical things from me, and it made me want to not even be cuddled by my husband. Now that the kids are less intense I feel very different and things are good. It might seem too long to wait for you - but it is not necessarily for the rest of your marriage.

I think she feels unattractive op. Believe me it’s not you. She might be hurt inside too. Feeling that you don’t miss her.

It just comes across a bit strangely - perhaps it is the way you're expressing it on here rather than the way is actually is. But it almost sounds like you're trying to invest more into the relationship (good) without necessarily finding out what she wants or what would help her (strange) and then expecting her to be grateful for it or reciprocate, specifically, in a very specific way (unrealistic/possibly a little unfair). And even some of the things you mention as being nice gestures to her - you've sent her out to enjoy a film with her friends, you let her have a lie in, etc - these are lovely things to do but where is the connection and shared time and sense of being a team? I don't think there is any problem BTW in dividing out the mum manager/household manager kind of stuff but again the balance has to work for both of you.

I don't know, it's just if I think about my own marriage there is much more connection and communication happening than is being expressed in this thread and it feels very strange in that sense. Things can be uneven at times, but when that happens we end up discussing it rather than one of us trying to quietly fix it in the background and simply hope the other notices. I appreciate this might be simply because of how you're expressing it here but that's what I would find to be missing.

I would not expect it to get better quicker than after DC1 - possibly it may even take more time as the work of two children is obviously more than the work of one so overall the situation is harder. Sorry, I know that isn't very helpful! Perhaps the workload will shift again once DC1 is at school and/or DC2 starts some kind of regular childcare.

she might well just be too tired - two small children, breast feeding and work. Even if she fancies it, she may just feel too exhausted to imagine going through with it. Does she still grin when you come in at night, slap you on the bum occasionally etc? If so, I'd say give it a year or two....and maybe get a cleaner etc too (wish we'd done that). You're both working very hard and long hours, if not in the same ways.

I never wanted to be touched during pregnancy and I still feel very insecure now. We’ve had sex once, I wish he would try more because I lack the confidence

Our general communication is great - our communication about this dreadful.

I think I find it hard to bring up. She now knows I'm unhappy with the situation after attempt one at communication.

I'm worried if winge even the cuddles will dry up as she will keep thinking its all i want. Its a very hard thing to communicate over.

I wonder if she's simply exhausted. Does she do all the night wake-ups? My youngest is 4 yo now, and I still only get a full night's sleep 50% of the time.

It can be hard not to fall into competitive tiredness, but unless you've been doing 1/2 the overnight wake-ups (which you may have been...), you're not as tired as she is.

I do feel some reverse resentment. I dont have a hobby. Dont see friends regularly. Do all the "get ups" on my days off to give her a lie in as I accept that breast feeding is more tiring.

Does she have a hobby? Or see friends regularly? Does she do the 'get ups' on your days at work?

I'm not asking as criticism, but to demonstrate that all those things apply to her too. It's rather unfair to be resentful because you no longer have them - she doesn't either. Yes, your life has changed, but so has hers. And if she's given up FT work, hers has changed more. Plus her body has changed. And in many ways her identity.

Is there any way to ask how she's feeling without making it about sex? There are loads of posts on here from women who feel as if they have all the chores land on them from a great height when they have kids, while their husbands get away relatively scot-free, so resentment builds and is obviously quite a turn-off. Then the husbands start to pester because they're getting less sex and that's even more of a turn-off. It doesn't sound like that's your story, but trying to see if there're underlying issues would be a good idea.

Argh everyone posts too fast

I think it is far more likely that she is touched out/exhausted/hormonally drained/feeling unattractive than that she has fallen out of love or doesn't find you attractive, OP. Honestly and totally. These things are such typical feelings after having children, you sound respectful and supportive and it is simply that this is such an enormously tricky time and the workload you have between you is higher than average too with 74 hours worked out of the home and neither child in childcare.

If you can keep up the connection stuff - just talking, looking to the future, non sexual intimacy - that goes a long long way in keeping those bonds maintained. Keep an eye out for resentment about workload and make shifts if necessary, but try not to be resentful about sex specifically.

Good luck.

Hi op
This sounds like a hard situation and I think you sound like a considerate person

I wondered if your wife has/had any mental illness after either birth, as things like depression, anxiety, ptsd, psychosis, etc can all massively affect your sex drive

If she is feeling well mentally, then my advice would be just to gradually bring non-sexual intimacy back into the relationship. Cuddle, hold hands, laugh, have proper conversations, compliment her on her personality and her looks and body.

I also find a few drinks always helps me but I know not every woman likes to lower their inhibitions in this way so again would depend on her preferences.

Best of luck - try to communicate with her as much as you possibly can.

I also felt the resentment when my husband cuddled me because I knew he wanted more and I didn’t really want to cuddle. I used to fantasise about my single life, lying quietly in my bed all on my own.
It is really hard, motherhood is such a shift. I didn’t have birth injuries but my body changed and as a pp said, I felt resentful that DH was the same as he’d always been, while I was so changed and exhausted.
I agree that taking all the focus of sex is a good idea, accept that you won’t have any for a while, and try to connect with your wife in other ways. Shared humour is great, keeping the real connection between you going. Talk to her about how she feels about motherhood. How were the births ? I honestly think there is a biological basis to this too, it makes sense that women focus on their babies and don’t get pregnant again too soon. I would also add that low iron, low B12, low thyroid function all can also have an impact on mood as they make you more tired and flat, and are common after birth. If she is very tired then she probably would get these tested, if she’s getting enough sleep ?

I do sympathise, and I think you sound very caring.

I wouldn't give up hope yet! So your first DC was under 2 when second DC was conceived, and 2 1/2 when second DC was born? That doesn't give a lot of time when your wife wasn't pregnant, breastfeeding or looking after a very small child.

I think things got better for us when second DC was aged 2+ ... less breastfeeding (which I'm sure dampens sex drive!), less sleep-deprived (slightly!).

So there is hope yet! It's tricky because you want to take the pressure off ... but at the same time it's not unreasonable to want to discuss it.

Op.. start with letting her know that making Love starts with just gazing into each others eyes and getting lost into each other’s thoughts.

That it can start and end there. Give her a massage after a long working day.

Don’t feel like a victim that she isn’t the same woman desiring you as before. Perhaps it is exactly that, she doesn’t desire your attention because it makes her reflect on her body image which she isn’t comfortable about ... or too exhausted.. or too puked on to feel desirable.

Tell her in advance. While ur at work that you miss her and ask her if she misses you.
Ask her what u can do so she can find you atttactive. Because u find her very attractive. Tell her how u feel when u look into her eyes. When she holds your hand. when she smiles at you.

Let her know that her small gestures make you feel loved. That you want more and more because you just want to feel things more intensely and that you are ready to wait for her to be comfortable.

It’s gonna take few attempts from you

I should say that this is really common and it usually gets better as sleep improves and children get bigger.

It's really hard those first couple of years with a baby/ toddler. Mine are all school age now and I do look back and cringe at how much I resented my husband and felt he was surplus to requirements- used to joke with friends we should just have an all women commune funded by the husbands but there was a lot of truth in that and as others have said biology does play a part - for women it's common to not really be sexually attracted to their partners almost as a contraceptive but I do now realise this was probably a pretty tough time for my husband
My tips would be to be patient , keep helping out as you say you are doing and romantic gestures won't go a miss-
With us once the youngest was 2 we started having a night away a couple of tomes a year which meant we had time together as a couple and not just as parents
In the last couple of years our sex life has been brilliant and really fancy and appreciate each other but it did take until the youngest was way out of the baby phase

OP. I feel like you're really focused on her being mum manager and you being household manager when really it should just be both of you doing it all.

I say this from the perspective of mum manager, who's husband does do a bit, only when asked, and says things like 'but I go to work and pay the bills'. My dd is now 1. I am not as exhausted as I used to be, but I am still tired, mentally drained and completely touched out. And I didn't even breastfeed. I also feel absolutely repulsive and I hate seeing myself and taking off my clothes. My husband tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I am, but I cannot get past how I look now.

It could be any of the above things or more.

The thing is, you need to communicate because otherwise it will only get worse.

Can I just say you sound like a really lovely bloke. That aside try and communicate more and pick a moment you can have this conversation.

agree with this. from experience I would also add that sometimes a little humour can help with communication. my dh is good at this. and be patient. it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things but you can't change the fact your wife is breastfeeding and has all the associated hormones and feelings that come with that. breastfeeding aside having a child under the age of 2 is exhausting! things will get better and easier

I've been your wife. I was the wife feeding and my H altering working week and trying to help out with our daughter. I was the wife with the H who cuddled without pursing, tried to let me go out with friends, that was utterly invested in our marriage as well as our daughter. Sadly, I was the wife whose husband couldn't wait anymore and found the sex elsewhere. If I'd only known that it was that bad for him- I didn't need sex in that first year as I was, to be totally honest, just completely in love with our daughter. I forgot to pay him any attention at all.

My exH found sex elsewhere, and eventually someone who loved more than their offspring. The day he told me suddenly I woke up from my infatuation with motherhood and realised all the messages he'd been trying to give me. I lost him.

I don't know why I'm typing that, as there's no advice. I think what I'm trying to say is, I wasn't thinking at all. I didn't think "fucks sake he's trying it on again" or "I'm all touched out I wanna sleep". I just broke the habit. What I truly wish now is that he'd not pined for the sex, but for me. That he'd done, as a P.P suggested, taken me out for the day and surprised me. Held my hand. Reminded me who i had married. I truly believe if he'd done that, my wake up would've come before it was too late, and our sex life would've returned. Try switching the thoughts of sex on standby, and build up to that. Intimacy and love will not result from sex, but sex may be the result of investing in intimacy and love first.

It took a while for me. I felt tired, touched out, I'd lost any confidence in my fat, bloated body, and to start with, the first couple of times I had very little sensation and was so jealous of Ex that it was all normal for him. And of course, hormone contraceptive that killed libido.

I had the "wifework" mental load, meaning that yes, Ex paid a lot of bills, but I paid a lot too, and was still the organiser of the household. It's so tiring having to be the one who keeps on top of everything all the damn time. And of course, being the one who was PT (even though it was 3/4 time and I earned the same amount as him) meant I was expected to do the lion's share of the housework. He basically wanted a medal for putting the dishwasher on.

(I left ex, but he was abusive, so not relevant here, I don't think. Unless you count the fat shaming and name calling I got. Which also contributed to a loss of libido.)