to be sick and tired of people being rude about our home?

[Breadsticksandhummus]

We (DH, me and 2 year old DS) live in a 2 bedroom flat in London. It's pretty small, but it's not tiny. It doesn't have a garden. We bought it four years ago, are not planning any more DC and have no plans to move. It's 30 minutes away from my mum's and we have a great support network in this area. DH's commute is quick and easy (I work from home).

So we are fine. We are happy. And yet I am SO sick and tired of comments (mainly from DH's family, but also from some extended members of mine and a few friends) about "poor DS" "not having enough space to run round" and expressing shock and horror that for the same price of this flat in London we could have bought a house outside London, constantly asking when we're planning on moving etc etc. Yesterday when MIL was here she said "oh this place gets smaller every time I visit".

I find it really insulting and upsetting. We've done it up nicely. We keep it tidy, clean and clutter free. DS has a nice home here with everything he needs. OK we have no garden but we have at least 3 or 4 lovely big parks within walking distance of the flat, a garden at my mum's and he has a lovely big garden at nursery which he goes to 3 days a week. I can't drive for medical reasons so being in London is incredibly convenient for me as I can simply walk or get public transport everywhere.

I wouldn't dream of visiting someone else's home and making such comments. Why do they do it?!

I’m sure they aren’t malicious in any way. Perhaps you are very sensitive because you feel bad ds doesn’t have a garden?

Dunno. People expect those with kids to want or even need a garden. We have a garden, and it's quite big in comparison with other people's houses, but it's a pain in the arse to look after and it's only grass and a few bushes. At least you don't have to mow the lawn down at the park! Tell them to bugger off with their comments or start doing the same to them!

I don't feel bad he doesn't have a garden at all, read my post.

It would be incredibly rude for me to go to someone else's home and comment negatively on its size, decor, cleanliness or tidiness. Or is that OK now?

My exmil once commented my house was messy.
Told her nobody forced her to visit.
She stfu.

Have you raised this with your MIL? I agree, her comments do sound thoughtless. It sounds like she wants you to move and is trying to nudge you towards doing that.

Some people on MN like to act as though it's a form of child abuse to not have a garden.

I find this frustrating and get similar comments with 4 dc living in inner London (we have a semi with a b small garden). Do they realise that most cities in Europe (and elsewhere) have similar living standards!

Wow you really are Very angry.

Just have a word with your mother in law and explain her comments upset you. Anyone else stop inviting them round.

Then take a deep breath and try to calm down

Some people on MN like to act as though it's a form of child abuse to not have a garden.

Yes, I've seen that many times before actually.

It sounds like she wants you to move

Oh, she definitely does. She thinks London is a dreadful crime ridden hellhole infested with gangs and drugs, never mind the fact we live in a flat and not a house.

I think people say unkind things to make themselves feel better

Also as someone else said perhaps you are sensitive to it as you think you should move somewhere bigger because it is 'expected'

We bought a new build & boy people have been rude

However when I don't have a mortgage & only pay £60 p/month heating (electricity & gas) I am happy with our choice . You are only able to be in one room at any time

Don't justify your choices

Why do people think it’s ok to make comments about your home? That’s actually really very rude.

They are being rude and it's nobody's business where you choose to live. People are just shockingly rude these days. Be proud of your home, it sounds lovely.

Why do people think it’s ok to make comments about your home? That’s actually really very rude.

Yes, exactly that. That's the only point I'm trying to make.

We bought a new build & boy people have been rude

Yep, I feel you. I see that all the time too.

I imagine they think you've outgrown it, DH is very polite and never comments, but says to me, he is surprised at how many people have outgrown their homes and are in total denial because they are convenient, fond of the house etc. They are cluttered and just too small.

I have a kitchen with huge doors that are permanently open out to our back garden... do you know much my kids use our garden? Hardly ever. We have a trampoline, garden doors, climbing frame yet they hardly ever go out there.
They do loads of activities like dance, gymnastics and rugby, we go to the park and walks all the time. But our garden hardly ever gets used.

Rude people will always be rude I suppose, there’s no changing them.

I’d never walk into somebody’s house and start making negative comments!

I read recently that "comparison is the thief of joy". Honestly I think next time I'd nip it in the bud when they say something. I'd say that surely they're not being so rude expecting that you should defend your home. Or perhaps you could piously point out the things you're grateful for...(obviously implying that they're ungrateful...)
And yes they are rude, did they never hear "if you can't say something nice, then shut up..."

but says to me, he is surprised at how many people have outgrown their homes and are in total denial because they are convenient, fond of the house etc

Outgrown their homes in his opinion. Clearly not in theirs or they wouldn't be living there if they had any other option, would they?

The minute we start to feel like this flat is too small for us, we'll move.

Garden toys*

What does your h say to his mother when she makes comments like this? A lot of people are very narrow-minded and think all children need a garden or they are somehow deprived.

I'd go with a simple, 'Wow, such a personal and rude comment about how we chose to live our lives and bring up our family. We're very happy here, thanks.'

Ohhh this is familiar. My mum is constantly going on about everything that’s wrong with my lovely little two bed flat in London. It’s just me and DD and I love it’s coziness. But everything is wrong with it apparently, and I have a garden that she also complains about. Fuck it. I love this place.

I do get you OP, mostly because I used to get rude comments about my old house (on a major trunk road) and it was very wearing. They were along the lines of:

"A friend of mine moved to a house across the road from you but couldn't hack it for more than a couple of months and sold up"

"How do you tolerate this road, its a death trap"

etc

Rude!

It was a lovely house and it couldn't have been that bad since when we put it on the market after 14 years, it sold to the first family who viewed it

I live in the middle of nowhere but I think your set up sounds ideal in many ways. It is easier to parent if you can just kick your kids outdoors, but a garden alone is only enough for a few years, and in many suburbs kids don't "play out" as in outside gardens due to traffic or nobody to play with. Then by teen years it's hard to grant the right level of independence if public transport is shit...

Your set up sounds ideal for you. Now my kids are getting older I'm quite jealous, being able to get to everything without a car must be great. I took my 7 year old to London earlier in the year and he asked to move there frequently. It would be great for teens if you live in a nice neighborhood.

What's wrong with new builds? Some people are just negative nancies who will make barbed comments about someone's home no matter what it is.

We had snooty comments about our “new build” house. It’s 20 years old not exactly brand spanking new! There does seem to be some kind of weird snobbishness about new builds though.