Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick and tired of people being rude about our home?

448 replies

Breadsticksandhummus · 11/08/2018 15:08

We (DH, me and 2 year old DS) live in a 2 bedroom flat in London. It's pretty small, but it's not tiny. It doesn't have a garden. We bought it four years ago, are not planning any more DC and have no plans to move. It's 30 minutes away from my mum's and we have a great support network in this area. DH's commute is quick and easy (I work from home).

So we are fine. We are happy. And yet I am SO sick and tired of comments (mainly from DH's family, but also from some extended members of mine and a few friends) about "poor DS" "not having enough space to run round" and expressing shock and horror that for the same price of this flat in London we could have bought a house outside London, constantly asking when we're planning on moving etc etc. Yesterday when MIL was here she said "oh this place gets smaller every time I visit".

I find it really insulting and upsetting. We've done it up nicely. We keep it tidy, clean and clutter free. DS has a nice home here with everything he needs. OK we have no garden but we have at least 3 or 4 lovely big parks within walking distance of the flat, a garden at my mum's and he has a lovely big garden at nursery which he goes to 3 days a week. I can't drive for medical reasons so being in London is incredibly convenient for me as I can simply walk or get public transport everywhere.

I wouldn't dream of visiting someone else's home and making such comments. Why do they do it?!

OP posts:
Ta1kinpeace · 11/08/2018 18:07

Surely the better reply is
but we are so lucky to have X park nearby and we do not have to mow the grass
and
but we are so lucky to be able to get to the museums and galleries and attractions without sitting in motorway traffic
and
but we love having hundreds of restaurants and cafes and shops to choose from when we want to eat out

the only down side to living in a flat in London IMHO is the school stress - lots of people move out for secondary -
but if you can avoid that, enjoy having beautiful parks and gardens that you do not have to weed Grin

LynetteScavo · 11/08/2018 18:09

In many capitol cities it's normal to raise children without a garden!

You have a wealth of culture on your doorstep. That's your choice. My DC have a garden which they never bloody use That's my choice. I don't think either is better than the other. It's just a different lifestyle.

There is probably an optimum lifestyle which involves a garden and cultural events and a low mortgage and outstanding schools. There is frequently threads on MN asking where this can be found...the answer is usually Hebdon Bridge, Milton Keynes/Kenilworth Confused or Brighton.

SilverySurfer · 11/08/2018 18:14

It's very rude and YANBU - next time I suggest you ask them when they will be transferring £1m to your account to enable you to move. Might shut them up.

LARLARLAND · 11/08/2018 18:14

It’s my ambition to buy a flat in central London one day.

Dungeondragon15 · 11/08/2018 18:21

It sounds very annoying. With your MIL and any older relatives it is probably a case of them thinking that they are older and wiser and not really getting the fact that you may be just as wise but have different priorities. I would feel like telling them why you wouldn't want to live in their house but perhaps that is childish!

purplecorkheart · 11/08/2018 18:21

I would reply "please do not make comments in future about our home, we find it rude and hurtful".

m0therofdragons · 11/08/2018 18:28

Just reply "it works for us" and "we're very happy here!"

Hammondisback · 11/08/2018 18:31

They are being rude. You are happy in your home and it sounds lovely to me - ideal for you and your family. I would try to ignore such comments, but if you really can’t, then just quietly explain that you find their comments hurtful and you would prefer them not to repeat them.

Maria1982 · 11/08/2018 18:37

They are being rude. Can your DH have a word with his mum and tell her to stop it?

London is a godsend for anyone who can’t drive. Why would you move somewhere where you were potentially isolated? Madness

Ta1kinpeace · 11/08/2018 18:42

Also,
Wait till your DS is 4 : then easy access to the Science Museum will be worth its weight in gold.

Wait till your DS is 14 : easy access to the O2 and the London stadium and Twickenham and Wembley will be worth their weight in gold

Wait till your DS is 24 : access to the careers opportunities of London will pay off

Celledora · 11/08/2018 18:46

Because living outside of London is almost like living in another country and therefore, culture? Tongue would be in cheek if this were not my experience Wink

wheezing · 11/08/2018 18:50

I think people are rude because they feel weirdly insulted that you’re not following the same path as them.
Personally I value short commute and time together over a bigger house I spend less time in so I live in something similar to you. We did manage to then find something that was a bit better for our DC whilst also being fairly central (and for that it’s still a third the size it would be outside London and is a bit of a doer upper) and I’m really happy that we made the right choice for us. There are plenty others that would hate to live in London and then seem to feel sorry for me living in London and I do find it condescending because it was a well thought out decision.

SenorBork · 11/08/2018 19:02

Hehe, I feel you OP. I grew up in a flat. Hell, for the first ten years of my life it was a two bedroom flat and I shared a bedroom with my sister. Then we moved to a three bedroom flat in the same block Grin.

If I tell people I grew up in a flat, they act like I must have had a deprived childhood, we must have been on the breadline, etc, etc. Actually, it was a mansion block in a very naice part of London. I could see one of the Royal parks from my bedroom window. It was absolutely great location-wise, and in terms of size certainly bigger than a 3 bed Victorian semi with a box bedroom. And the communal gardens were lovely. Yet this notion persists that growing up in a flat is the worst thing possible. Gardens are totally overrated anyway, I have one now and tending to it is the bane of my life! Could easily live without one.

givemesteel · 11/08/2018 19:12

Living in London is a trade off.

Yes, your child probably gets less outdoor time than someone with a garden.

But he will get far more stimulation than most children with museums and attractions people come from all over the globe to see.

Just ignore it.

I did the opposite and moved out of London, and still get a few backhanded comments from London friends... It's provincial, lacks culture, crap shops / restaurants / bars. I laugh it off as I'm happy with our choice, but I also understand why some families sacrifice the space to stay in London.

Coyoacan · 11/08/2018 19:14

I think it is better for children to live centrally if it means they will see more of their parents. Suburbs and the countryside can be lovely, but if it implies an added commute, why?

CSIblonde · 11/08/2018 19:14

Even if your relatives have their own agenda in wanting you nearer, its rude. I think you need to calmly say you're happy & the comments are hurtful. Instant subject change if it's tried again after that. I have a small Victorian 1 bed in NE London, quiet side street: station, shops, Dr, College all 5min walk. Work: 25mins overground. The park is at end of road. It's perfect for me.

I was further out in new 2 bed but felt isolated & work journey was awful.

WoahBaby · 11/08/2018 19:17

I live in Germany. Everyone lives in flats, those with houses have tiny gardens. People with big gardens build houses in them. The Germans really don't seem to feel the need for lots of outdoor space at home and their kids cope. Though everyone here seems very outdoorsy, so like you they use the parks, forest etc. Kids get plenty of time outside, it's not an issue. Stay strong.

pollygreen7 · 11/08/2018 19:20

OP, I could have written this myself! We live in a 2 bedroom flat in an area of London that we love, and has been perfect for our family. I've had it referred to as a cave, asked how on earth we manage and been asked when we will move out of 'that flat'.

The only thing I could be concerned about is that if your inlaws are being negative about what is essentially your sons home. I'd get your DH to remind them that it's yous DS's home, and that being negative about it is being cruel to him. Every child deserves to feel happy about where they live. I won't have people back who have been rude.

BakerBear · 11/08/2018 19:20

People are rude about my house. Its 15 years old and the joiner said the other day that it was a cardboard house!!!

Also i ve had people comment on everything since we moved in (6 months ago) like mentioning all the picture and curtain rail holes the previous people didnt fill in and all sorts of things people felt they could comment on when we first moved in. It made me feel really shit about my house

spanishwife · 11/08/2018 19:28

English people have this weird obsession about having a garden if you have kids. I live in Spain in a flat like 80% of families here and our kids have a beautiful life. We are always outdoors with friends and other family members and I think our lives are richer for it. I have memories of my soggy garden in the UK with just my brother for company.. wasn't that great!
Living in London is so exciting. Your kids have access to so many diverse , unique things.

spanishwife · 11/08/2018 19:29

Sorry offered no advice there... Would just remind that 1) you are all perfectly happy and it suits you and your jobs well 2) you spend lots of time outdoors and with family

toxic44 · 11/08/2018 19:31

Amazing how MILs can be. DP's mother put him off our new place completely on her first visit, 'Oh it's so tiny! Oh it's a doll's house! Oh I don't know how you can even stand up it in! Ha-ha! Imagine such a tiny house - do you bump into each other all the time?'
Repeat performance every visit until he was saying the same things. Yes we moved - to a place 250 miles away. Some people just love being horrid; it makes them feel clever and in control.

MrHoolieswaistcoat · 11/08/2018 19:40

Alpha you’ve let yourself down. You can’t just say that London is a shithole,you have to say how rude and unfriendly we all are, throw in a reference to black bogies and say that you’d rather eat dog shit than live here (yes, someone on here did actually say that).

Out of interest, where do you live?

IceCreamFace · 11/08/2018 19:44

Well I have a huge garden and big house but DH has a long commute that leaves his tired and less time with DC, it's swings and roundabouts and rude comments are completely unnecessary.

ilovewinterpansies · 11/08/2018 20:00

I grew up in a flat in Hong Kong. No garden, not tiny but not massive.

I had the best childhood. Didn't want for anything as a small child and honestly as a teenager it was brilliant as I had so much freedom!!

So many of my friends have moved out of London for bigger gardens. Fine when our kids are 5/6 etc (still shit for play dates and the school run but that's another story).....but when they're 13/14/15 the parents turn into taxi drivers.

I love London. One of the best cities in the world. What a wonderful gift to give your children. Tell the haters to piss off!!!