to be sick and tired of people being rude about our home?

[Breadsticksandhummus]

We (DH, me and 2 year old DS) live in a 2 bedroom flat in London. It's pretty small, but it's not tiny. It doesn't have a garden. We bought it four years ago, are not planning any more DC and have no plans to move. It's 30 minutes away from my mum's and we have a great support network in this area. DH's commute is quick and easy (I work from home).

So we are fine. We are happy. And yet I am SO sick and tired of comments (mainly from DH's family, but also from some extended members of mine and a few friends) about "poor DS" "not having enough space to run round" and expressing shock and horror that for the same price of this flat in London we could have bought a house outside London, constantly asking when we're planning on moving etc etc. Yesterday when MIL was here she said "oh this place gets smaller every time I visit".

I find it really insulting and upsetting. We've done it up nicely. We keep it tidy, clean and clutter free. DS has a nice home here with everything he needs. OK we have no garden but we have at least 3 or 4 lovely big parks within walking distance of the flat, a garden at my mum's and he has a lovely big garden at nursery which he goes to 3 days a week. I can't drive for medical reasons so being in London is incredibly convenient for me as I can simply walk or get public transport everywhere.

I wouldn't dream of visiting someone else's home and making such comments. Why do they do it?!

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I read something exactly like this a few weeks ago.

I fantasise about a new build eco house and look at such plans online all the time. Can't understand snobbery about a new build.

What direction does MIL live in? I’d be sorely tempted to tell her you were looking at a ni e semi 50 miles or so in the opposite direction.

@MrsMarigold your husband presumes to know a lot about other people's reasons for living in their house. If you love your house why shouldn't you stay in it even if it is small? Some people don't like to move every few years for reasons that are none of your husbands business

It seems to me it is considered fair game to insult Londoners about their houses. We live in an ordinary terrace house with a very small garden but in quite a sort after area. Friends and relatives from outside London seem to think it is fine making comments about how small the garden is, how we only have street parking, etc. Privately I believe it is because they know our house has increased in value whereas their properties haven’t. I wouldn’t dream of saying this btw.

not me popo

DH generally comes back at her with a sarky comment but it doesn't seem to deter her.

It's not just MIL, to be fair to her. Last time I spoke to my Granddad he said "and when are you going to get on and buy a house?!"

If you've never lived in London (on a budget) I think it can be a shock at the prices commanded for such a limited space, and for those living in the suburbs or in other parts of the country, do genuinely believe it must be rather limiting.

I don't think it's an insult, it's just they aren't used to it.

There's often a reverse reaction in (say) parts of Scotland, where you can almost buy a mansion for 200K etc.

mrsMarigold maybe they cant afford to move? Maybe they like their house? They obviously haven't outgrown it or they wouldn't be living there! People are allowed to live in a smaller house they like, no one has to keep moving. Your DH might be very polite to their face but he's not so nice behind their backs.

Op, your ds will benefit much more being near his grandmother, his nice nursery, dad being home more due to the short compute way more than he would benefit from a garden at 2.

Sounds like jealousy, jeanne. I'd love to live in London.

People can be so rude and insensitive. Lots of people live in flats in London and when you consider the many beautiful parks around, not having a garden is unimportant. If you lived in New York you'd likely live in an apartment and no-one would say anything!

You are very lucky to be living in London, enjoy it.

Take no notice or else tell people you are happy where you live, end of.

You have a happy family, a lovely home you all enjoy and all is well.
Next time someone comments about your house, just tell them to stop right there, that you all love it where you are & will be there for many, many years to come.
Sounds like you're doing great, just ignore them.

Agree with all those PPs who mention Europe. My three cousins were brought up in Rome (in a three- bedroomed apartment (like many many families who live in European cities) with a large dog and no garden. I felt sorry for the dog but never for them!

I was just jealous they got to live slap bang in the middle of a fabulous European capital and all that had to offer them.

Some people cannot understand that housing decisions are all about trade-offs.

Like, it might be nice to have extra space and a garden if it came free. In practice, for many of us we have to pay for these things by sacrificing in other areas, like having longer commutes or neighborhoods that are not as interesting to live in.

My kid also gets excited about going to grandma's house with its garden. But she's a kid so she's not seeing the big picture, like the fact that she'd see a lot less of her father if we lived out in the suburbs and had a long commute, and the fact that grandma's house has hardly any public transport so if we lived in that area she'd be trapped and dependent on her parents to drive her everywhere as a teenager. It's about deciding which trade offs you are most comfortable making.

Just come back with stock answers, OP. To your grandad, 'We're very happy living here, Grandad. It works for us, close to work and we are staying put. I appreciate your interest but now you know we're staying here I'd appreciate your not commenting on it any further.' Or to your MIL, 'We live it here, it works for us, we're happy.'

oh this place gets smaller every time I visit

I think I'd reply, "No, it's exactly the same size as last time, perhaps you're getting bigger"

To a large degree it's perspective and personal preference. I moved from the US so everything seems tiny and cramped. But obviously people manage to live happy, productive lives here and raise families in these houses. I'd never dream of telling everyone that they've outgrown their houses! Because they haven't.

Ignore the rude comments and live your life as you like.

I think I'd reply, "No, it's exactly the same size as last time, perhaps you're getting bigger"

oh that's just... worth remembering ;-)

Is it possible, as this is several unconnected people who have commented negatively, that your flat is too small for your needs?

Is it difficult to accommodate visitors? Do you find that you have to leave the home more than you would ideally, just to get some space?

I obviously have no idea what your flat is like, so these are genuine questions not criticisms. I'm just imagining how limited I might feel if my home was so small friends and family passed comment.

Is it possible, as this is several unconnected people who have commented negatively, that your flat is too small for your needs?

Well the one connection between all the negative nancys is that none of them are Londoners and all of them live in big detached houses in suburbia. None of our London friends and family members have batted an eyelid.

Even if it was too small for us (which I don't see how anyone else can objectively determine as we're the ones living here and it's fine for us), it would still be rude to pass comment.

We don't struggle to accommodate visitors at all. I couldn't host a fifty person birthday party here, but I wouldn't want to. We frequently host people for lunch and dinner.

YANBU. It’s rude and with family I would probably just say something like “do you have to be an arse about my home?”

Also, a garden can be great for a few years when they are young, but when they are older they will really appreciate all the opportunities London has over being stuck in a bigger house out in the ‘burbs reliant on lifts to do almost anything.

People can be extremely rude.

I had a friend that made snide comments about the fact that she's sooo glad she got to stay at home with her dd til she was 3 then only work part time and that she would much rather live in her flat and be able to do that - the comments only started after DH and I moved into a large house in a very good area and I mentioned I would be going back to work full time after my mat leave. Anyway I ended up being made redundant but as it happens now DH earns more than enough to keep us so I'm still at home with 2yo DS. 'Friend' barely speaks to me at all now (except to send me links to holidays that she might book, it's bizarre) 😂 I'm assuming she's run out of things to pick at.

So it doesn't matter what size of house you live in, someone will always have something to say.

I suspect they also don't understand City living or indeed City prices. If it works for you then IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.

A small child needs supervision whether in the garden or the park so it may as well be the park.

An older child doesn't want to play in the garden and would prefer to go to the park anyway.

As a financial investment you are better off keeping that City pad rather than spending the same further out.

I'll be honest, I would think all the things your DH's family have said if I came to visit. But I'd never say them, that's so incredibly rude.

We lived in a tiny 2-bed townhouse until DS was 2, no garden, completely open-plan downstairs living space. It was hellish. He had nowhere private to run off steam, if he wanted some time outdoors we had to walk 10 minutes to the nearest bit of grass (which doesn't sound much but it sure does get tiresome every day). We longed for a garden.

When we moved here (still a small house but with a little garden) it felt like we'd won the lottery. The kids play in the garden every day. We love itting out there with them watching them play.

It is very enriching to have a garden, but it's not an absolute requirement, nor is it always possible. If you're happy as you are then tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.

We fall in to the category of parent who may have a garden but our children have to share bedrooms 😱. Worse still, they like sharing. People will always have opinions on how others live.
My cousin lives in a small flat with 2 children. They love it, although if I’m honest whenever I go there I feel claustrophobic! It’s tiny and I’ve no idea how they cope. But having hyperactive boys such a small space would be horrendous.

breadsticks your MIL sounds like mine it doesn’t matter how we actually feel about the house, according to her there is always something amiss for the poor kids (7 and 2).
It’s so frustrating, a home is made up of more than the material side of things IMO.
And for what it’s worth, we have a garden, kids barely ever play in it and prefer the park. My neighbour has set up some fancy swing/slide/playhouse thing in her garden, and her kids are always....at the park