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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick and tired of people being rude about our home?

448 replies

Breadsticksandhummus · 11/08/2018 15:08

We (DH, me and 2 year old DS) live in a 2 bedroom flat in London. It's pretty small, but it's not tiny. It doesn't have a garden. We bought it four years ago, are not planning any more DC and have no plans to move. It's 30 minutes away from my mum's and we have a great support network in this area. DH's commute is quick and easy (I work from home).

So we are fine. We are happy. And yet I am SO sick and tired of comments (mainly from DH's family, but also from some extended members of mine and a few friends) about "poor DS" "not having enough space to run round" and expressing shock and horror that for the same price of this flat in London we could have bought a house outside London, constantly asking when we're planning on moving etc etc. Yesterday when MIL was here she said "oh this place gets smaller every time I visit".

I find it really insulting and upsetting. We've done it up nicely. We keep it tidy, clean and clutter free. DS has a nice home here with everything he needs. OK we have no garden but we have at least 3 or 4 lovely big parks within walking distance of the flat, a garden at my mum's and he has a lovely big garden at nursery which he goes to 3 days a week. I can't drive for medical reasons so being in London is incredibly convenient for me as I can simply walk or get public transport everywhere.

I wouldn't dream of visiting someone else's home and making such comments. Why do they do it?!

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 11/08/2018 15:27

Perhaps you are very sensitive because you feel bad ds doesn’t have a garden?

Ooh, bitch.

Fuck em, OP. Anyone carries on about it, a breezy 'Oh, do give it a rest' should do the trick.

Powerless · 11/08/2018 15:27

Did your son have a choice in where you moved? Whether you bought a house or a flat? I think what your MIL may be referring to, is the lack of privacy. When I was thirteen, my parents bought a bungalow and oh my god..... I couldn't ever have friends round or have a phone conversation as every spoken word in my room could be heard throughout the house.
As a result I will never bring my DD up in a bungalow or flat. I don't want her to feel she has such a huge lack of privacy.

We only have a yard that is 2m x 3m and whenever we visit my mum she gets all excited about playing in the garden on her bouncy castle & slide. I feel awful for her

GailTheGoldfish · 11/08/2018 15:29

"oh this place gets smaller every time I visit"

“No, it doesn’t. Perhaps you’re just getting bigger?”

KickAssAngel · 11/08/2018 15:30

Where does MIL live? Os she hoping you'll move close to her?

The whole 80s thing of every family needs to buy a home for their children, driven by the rampant consumerism of Thatcherism, is still really prevalent. There are MILLIONS of kids in the world with loads less than your DS has, he's not deprived.

If you had a house & garden out in the suburbs, people would find something else you "need" for your child (learn to drive, walk on air) and try to make you feel bad about it.

Grow a thicker skin. If you want an argument, tell her she's being rude and undermining you & DH's life choices. Or laugh at her and the whole idea that kids need a garden.

ThePricklySheep · 11/08/2018 15:30

I think DH is very polite and never comments, but says to me, he is surprised at how many people have outgrown their homes and are in total denial because they are convenient, fond of the house etc. They are cluttered and just too small. is missing the ‘cant afford to move somewhere bigger’?

Bumbledop · 11/08/2018 15:31

I have no idea why people are so rude! And that’s what it is, RUDE! When my dh had a promotion literally the first thing my fil said was ‘oh good, now you can move to a bigger house’. We love our house, it has everything we need, we feel no need for anything more. The comments have continued. I just ignore Smile

MinaPaws · 11/08/2018 15:31

Just tell them to pretend they're in Paris. Most Parisian families live like that. And many mnay families live in smaller homes than yours and thrive. It's just ignorance. If DC want to run around there are hoardes and hoardes of parks in London.

blueskiesandforests · 11/08/2018 15:31

Powerless her son is 2.

You'd have a point if he was 12. She states in the OP that he's 2.

Consulting a 2 year old on whether to live in a house or a flat, city or county etc is possibly going a bit far...

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 15:31

Yes, because the kids who are not paying the mortgage and bills and who will move out in a few years should definitely chose the parents' living arrangements Hmm.

What if you can only afford a flat? Or like the OP, need to live in an area with easy transport because you can't drive?

Poor unfortunate children, growing up in a flat or bungalow.

I've read it all now.

Still want to know what problems people have with someone's new build house. They seem rather nice to me - plenty of sockets, insulation, more than one loo . . .

Original poster
Breadsticksandhummus · 11/08/2018 15:32

Did your son have a choice in where you moved?

My son wasn't born yet when we moved here Confused

I don't expect to still be living here when he's a teenager. If we are, he'll make the best of it as many 1000s of teenagers living in flats in London do. And as I did, when I was a teenager and had to share a room with both my sisters. You get on with it.

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 11/08/2018 15:32

Did your son have a choice in where you moved?

Are you kidding me?

Do you let your kids choose the family home at the age of 2?

Original poster
Breadsticksandhummus · 11/08/2018 15:33

Still want to know what problems people have with someone's new build house. They seem rather nice to me - plenty of sockets, insulation, more than one loo

It's snobbishness. People say they have no character and are soulless etc etc.

They aren't the middle class ideal of a lovely Victorian semi with those black and white tiles leading up the front path.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 11/08/2018 15:34

I love the idea that there's an official point at which you've outgrown your house, but it's secret so loads of people have houses that are Too Small.

OP just find a sanctimonious line to repeat over and over. Eg 'we feel so lucky to have been able to buy a secure place for DS to live with London on our doorstep.' 'we're so grateful that DS gets to live in a multicultural environment' or even just 'we like it'. It is annoying but I'm sure we'll be just annoying when we're grandparents...

MaggieAndHopey · 11/08/2018 15:34

I don't know why we're supposed to care about what MrsMarigold's DH thinks about anything.

Adnerb95 · 11/08/2018 15:35

SHARING A ROOM WITH BOTH YOUR SISTERS!!!!!?????

No surely not, you know MN think this is a serious form of child abuse, don't you?

😂😂😂

LostInShoebiz · 11/08/2018 15:36

I feel your pain. Funny though how positive people can be about your cramped, grotty, crime-ridden hell-hole when they want a cheap break in the capital...

ImAIdoot · 11/08/2018 15:36

Your families, especially MiL are probably hoping your little family will decide to move closer to them at some point, and this is a good reason you might eventually decide to.

runningkeenster · 11/08/2018 15:36

People expect those with kids to want or even need a garden

I wonder why that is. In other countries the percentage of people living in flats is much larger and they seem to cope.

Agree with your comments about mowing the lawn though - I'd happily live in a flat if it were properly soundproofed. I don't need or want a garden.

As for outgrowing a house, we could do with a larger house but it's a want, not a need, and we are currently too lazy to go through the upheaval.

BuntyII · 11/08/2018 15:36

All that matters to a child is that they are surrounded by love, they don't need a massive garden or a show home. A loving family set up is the main thing. Plus think of the opportunities he will have for study and employment etc living in London. Your family are being very rude.

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 15:37

We live in one of those Victorians. It's just always dusty! We've had to do major renovating to it to make it feasible for modern living. It's a money pit if your heating and insulation isn't upgraded, which costs £££. I'm actually laughing at the privacy comment because this thing has the acoustics of a concert hall, the sound travels better than the phone signal.

longestlurkerever · 11/08/2018 15:37

I think some people are just very unimaginative and think that if something isn't what they'd choose it's terrible. I live in London too, I actually do have a garden but plenty of dd's friends don't. It's really not a big deal, but to plenty on Mumsnet it is. I don't really get it - as I say we have a garden but have still spent all day in the park, which the kids prefer as they are more likely to bump into friends. Now we are home they are playing upstairs. Lots of people are fond of telling me how much more I could buy if we moved out of London but I have everything I need here - and I honestly don't really see why my life would be significantly improved by detached walls and a garage byt DM/MIL really think it would be.

chuckiecheese · 11/08/2018 15:37

I might mention the damp in some peoples glorious victorian mansions but that would be rude Grin

krustykittens · 11/08/2018 15:38

You are right OP, it is very rude to comment on your home. Some people just do not get that others like or need a different lifestyle. You sound very happy so I would point that out to people like your MIL and then kindly invite them to shut the fuck up.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 11/08/2018 15:38

People who make repeated comments like your MIL are dullards who can’t make conversation. Annoying dullards though

MouseholeCat · 11/08/2018 15:38

My Mum used to do this with our old (rented) studio apartment, saying things like "how can you live like this?", "don't you want a big garden?"

I ended up just snapping and telling her that unless she was offering a £100k deposit she could piss off as our tiny flat was the thing that actually gave us a chance of saving the money for ourselves.

We don't talk about housing or money anymore.