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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs Blush.

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:
IHeartMarmiteToast · 08/08/2018 11:46

Just reply saying exactly that! Its just a misunderstanding.

AjasLipstick · 08/08/2018 11:46

She probably feels especially pathetic and vulnerable at the moment OP and doesn't want to be seen as an "old lady" who needs looking after.

Forget all about it. But in future, wait till she asks for specific help with things.

Be the same as you've always been. Grief is a funny thing.

dementedpixie · 08/08/2018 11:46

She sounds a bit weird. There was no need for her snotty message

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 08/08/2018 11:47

You were neighbourly.
She was rude

AjasLipstick · 08/08/2018 11:48

Did you reply yet? If not just text back saying "Sorry! Just thought it might get wet...no bother.x" or similar.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/08/2018 11:48

You know not to offer again! Offering to help bring some furniture in is not 'nosing into her affairs'.

AjasLipstick · 08/08/2018 11:48

Oooh the woman's just lost her sister people! She won't be acting quite herself.

Of course OP wasn't rude. but when you're wrapped in grief, you say some weird things. And DO some too.

TemptressofWaikiki · 08/08/2018 11:49

Err, in that case I would not bother to help her till she shows you some basic manners. She may be grieving etc but she should not be letting it out on you. I would ignore her till she can behave with some basic courtesy.

BeetrootBonanza · 08/08/2018 11:49

How rude of her, it sounds like you are a lovely neighbour and were only offering to help.

Next time she asks you or your husband for help with her boiler or anything else, I'd reply "oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid we can't help - we wouldn't want to nose in to your affairs!"

Can you come and be my neighbour instead op - we could do a swap and your neighbour can have my current neighbours who let their children scream and fight with each other in the garden all day along with their barking puppy!

Trinity66 · 08/08/2018 11:50

hhhmm that was an odd reaction from her, you were being nice to her

MrsGriff8 · 08/08/2018 11:50

People suddenly on their own can get really defensive about what others perceive they can/can't do ime.

If she's grieving she might just be lashing out. Doesn't excuse being rude to you but it might be why it happened

LartenCrepsley · 08/08/2018 11:51

You WNBU. She must be in a difficult place emotionally, but that’s not your fault.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:52

ah I don't want to not help her in future, she's a lovely lady generally which is why I was so taken aback. Plus she's all on her own - I couldn't just ignore her like that!

I haven't responded yet as my immediate reaction was to be mortified and wasn't sure what to reply. Not trying to make a big drama out of it, I just had this horrible thought that maybe she thinks I stand at my doors studying every part of her garden/keeping tabs on her!!

Yes, maybe I was a bit quick to jump in, normally she does ask if she would like help with something.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 08/08/2018 11:54

I'd text back

"Ouch, wasn't nosing but furniture was delivered as I went out. But if you don't want out help I fully appreciate that. In future we won't offer as wouldn't want to offend you and ruin what's otherwise been a great neighbourly friendship"

But then I'm a fan of nicely showing people they are being ridiculous

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 08/08/2018 11:55

I would be very tempted to text back "?" because that is a very strange and rude reaction to an offer of help. She thinks you're spying on her because you can see her garden from your balcony?

Or maybe you are offering too much help? If you're constantly offering to do things she's quite capable of doing herself maybe she feels a bit patronized/smothered.

TwoBlueShoes · 08/08/2018 11:56

Don't reply. You weren't rude or nosy, and you did nothing wrong.

Just leave her to figure herself out.

SandyY2K · 08/08/2018 11:56

She was wrong in this situation. You were being kind to her.

Abra1de · 08/08/2018 11:57

She was rude.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 08/08/2018 11:58

youarenotkiddingme

That's not nicely showing someone they're being ridiculous. That's passive aggressive bullshit and it would make you sound really stupid if you sent that.

She's grieving.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:59

@dirtylittlesecret don't know if this makes me sound bad, but I don't normally offer - as I don't normally know what's going on down there! So if she needs help with boiler etc she'll text and I'll send DH down if he can help, or help myself. But I wouldn't say I smother - this is the first time I've offered first.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 08/08/2018 12:00

You were just trying to help but i guess she may think you were criticising her. Just text back and say you are sorry but you were just trying to be helpful.

eightfacesofthemoon · 08/08/2018 12:01

I would send what @youarenotkiddingme said!
nothing like a bit of passive aggressive!

riiiiight · 08/08/2018 12:02

Ouch, wasn't nosing but furniture was delivered as I went out. But if you don't want out help I fully appreciate that. In future we won't offer as wouldn't want to offend you and ruin what's otherwise been a great neighbourly friendship"

I think that's fine, I don't see it as pa either. "ouch" is directly saying you think it's slightly harsh but you understand and don't want to wreck things.

dementedpixie · 08/08/2018 12:02

Maybe just message 'Sorry if I offended you, just didnt want your new stuff getting ruined by the rain. Take care, mmmgoats'

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 08/08/2018 12:03

In that case OP, she's probably either just plain rude or she's not in full control of herself because of her bereavement. I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt this once if she's usually nice.