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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs Blush.

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 08/08/2018 12:04

She was rude but I would apologise and try to forget it happened but not offer to help again. It sounds like a one-off and normally he's a good neighbour.

dementedpixie · 08/08/2018 12:05

Just keep it light and breezy, no need for flouncing

StealthNinjaMum · 08/08/2018 12:05

She's!

serbska · 08/08/2018 12:06

I’d reply “did you mean to send that to me? I was offering to help you, not sticking my nose into your business.”

HelpmeobiMN · 08/08/2018 12:06

You were just being nice and she was rude! She’s grieving so I’d let it go but please don’t feel worried that you have done something wrong.

meercat23 · 08/08/2018 12:07

I do think her message was odd and quite rude. She is happy to ask for help and favours whenever she wants to but then you are 'nosing' if you offer help before she has asked.

I am afraid I would be less ready to help in future.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 08/08/2018 12:09

Agree that the kiddingme response is passive aggressive. Just a simple text that says sorry if I offended. or sorry - there may have been a miscommunication.

Her reply does seem a bit OTT but to be honest, I wouldn't want someone commenting about something in my personal space. Ie if a neighbour texted to say that they could come over to help with my blinds (which have been hanging crookedly for many months) I'd think they were being nosey and intrusive and I'd want to tell them to FO. But I'd never actually do it.

schopenhauer · 08/08/2018 12:09

I think people saying to leave her to it in future are harsh and probably show how people are left alone and lonely and vulnerable and become reliant on the state. Yes she was rude and you were being nice. But she’s on her own with no family and recently lost her sister. I would reply with something like ‘I’m very sorry I’ve offended you, I wasn’t being nosy, I just happened to notice the furniture. I hope you can see this in time and we can still be on friendly terms’. Since her reaction was so ott it must come from her griced/loneliness/vulnerability.

Scabetty · 08/08/2018 12:11

She was rude. All she had to do was say thanks but it’s fine. Were you unpacking a corner to have a look? 😂

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 12:11

It's odd because she is normally so friendly as well. Never a cross word. Maybe I caught her on a bad day!

Going to reply:

Really sorry if I've offended, wasn't nosing - our windows/doors look out over that wall so couldn't help but see. Didn't want your lovely new furniture to get ruined but it seems I overstepped the mark. Have a good day, mmmgoats

Feel a bit silly for starting the thread now but I'm home on my home, and I was just so surprised and then embarrassed I wasn't sure what to say!

OP posts:
GinaCarbonara · 08/08/2018 12:12

You sound very kind op. Don't take it to heart, she was probably having a bad day.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/08/2018 12:14

Sounds like a good response. Like you say she is maybe just having an off day and is feeling a bit cranky.

Ihavenoideaatall · 08/08/2018 12:17

That's a nice reply.

Yoksha · 08/08/2018 12:18

Ouch OP. Sometimes we can't do right. I perceived what I thought was a snub from my ndn when I thought I was helping him. I was smarting after the event. I gradually felt less uncomfortable as the week went on. Haven't bumped into him yet, but he's been ok with my Dh. Argh people!!! Lesson learned.

sonjadog · 08/08/2018 12:19

I think the message the poster further up suggested is better. I wouldn't be putting myself out to help her in future.

Figlessfig · 08/08/2018 12:21

As she’s been fine up till now, I tend to think she’s gone a bit strange with the grief of losing her sister. I went a bit strange when my mum died, and everyone knows they’re going to lose their mum some day. If my sister died, I think I’d be even stranger.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 08/08/2018 12:22

The woman's had a recent bereavement of a close relative so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she was having a bad day.

thedevilinablackdress · 08/08/2018 12:25

Wanted to say that you sound like a kind neighbour and your reply is good with one tiny tweak. I'd say 'Sorry I have offended you" rather than 'Sorry if I have offended you'. The latter tends to indicate you think they are maybe unreasonable in their thoughts.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 12:29

thanks @thedevilinablackdress will tweak.

@yoksha sorry to hear you've had an awkward one too!

I think i just forgot myself and as we are so friendly, didn't think about it potentially being seen as intrusive but I know what you mean @popgoestheweaz

OP posts:
itwaseverthus · 08/08/2018 12:38

If a neighbour responded to a kind message with 'I don't appreciate you nosing in my affairs' there is no way I'd apologise, especially as your text was in part a response to hers asking for a favour re parking space!

When someone shows you who they are, as the saying begins...

llangennith · 08/08/2018 12:43

I think your response was perfect.

nellieellie · 08/08/2018 12:45

She’s probably in a really bad place at the moment. Not just the loss, but maybe she has to deal with finances and probate. Speaking from experience, it’s incredibly stressful. She was very rude, but if it’s out of character, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. I think your reply is lovely, and I’m sure she will feel awful about what she said. You are a very kind neighbour.

ImAIdoot · 08/08/2018 12:48

I think apologising is fine.

If we can't be kind and understanding when someone has been bereaved, when can we be.

@OP I think you handled this impeccably.

SomeKnobend · 08/08/2018 12:51

i'd reply "You cheeky sod! I was only offering to help. No you can't use my parking space and don't contact me or my husband for help again". Rude cunt.

itwaseverthus · 08/08/2018 12:54

Although I probably wouldn't send SomeKnobend 's reply Grin

You were being kind to her by offering, apologising for that is a step too far though. I would just not respond at all really.

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