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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs Blush.

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:
blackchina · 08/08/2018 13:45

Gosh, what a weird response. I would also put it down to her grief. But your poor thing, having to receive THAT text.

I would send the text you mentioned not long ago...

Really sorry if I've offended, wasn't nosing - our windows/doors look out over that wall so couldn't help but see. Didn't want your lovely new furniture to get ruined but it seems I overstepped the mark. Have a good day, mmmgoats

And I agree with pps - you sound lovely.

rubyroot · 08/08/2018 13:54

I think you are being very nice in your reply- I kind of agree with knobend, who is a bit of a knobend! Wink Grin

jessiered · 08/08/2018 13:56

sounds like your neighbour was rude to me

Mookatron · 08/08/2018 14:12

You sound very nice OP. What a thoughtful reply.

PitchBlackNight · 08/08/2018 14:21

Your reply was spot on!

MovingThisYearHopefully · 08/08/2018 14:26

Any response from the neighbour? I certainly wouldn't be so free with the favours in future. Am I the only one to think I'd be inclined to make sure my car was in the parking space on the day she asked to borrow the spot after that response too? Or am I just mean? Grin

Kittykat93 · 08/08/2018 14:33

She was really rude and I would have been tempted to send a snotty reply back! I know she's grieving but there's no need to speak to people like crap when you were clearly just being kind and helpful. I hope she apologised to you op.

Coyoacan · 08/08/2018 15:15

I think you made the right call, OP. She was obviously out of order and it is early days to know if this was a once-off or is normal for her. Whatever.

The people urging you to up the problem and reply aggressively are nuts, there is nothing worse than a fight between neighbours, nobody wins. -says she who is going to have to move because of fighting with all my neighbours-

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 16:09

Hello, thanks for all your responses.

Neighbour turned up on my doorstep with a big bunch of flowers to apologise, then invited me down for a chat. Blush
Turns out it wasn't her sister who passed, it was her partner. I get the impression they just let people presume they were siblings.

Now certain people have come out of the woodwork after years of being estranged and are implying she can't cope on her own and needs "assistance" and that they can help with that - obviously after the money.
Think I caught her in the midst of it all and she took umbrage at my suggestion of help even though it was completely unrelated.

I'm very glad I didn't send back an arsey response, she's absolutely beside herself about everything already, and said she immediately regretted what she sent. I did think it was very out of character.

And just incase you're worried about her stumbling on this thread - she doesn't have a computer, is a complete technophobe and sadly really doesn't seem to have anyone at all now that her partner has passed :(

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 16:09

I think she really just wanted to talk to someone :(

OP posts:
MeetieVonWrinkleSqueak · 08/08/2018 16:11

OP, you both sound lovely Smile

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/08/2018 16:13

Aw glad you've sorted it OP.

TatterdemalionAspie · 08/08/2018 16:13

Ahh, that made me well up, mmmgoats - well done for being so nice about it. Flowers

I'm too quick off the mark and probably would have sent back an arsey response to her text and made the situation worse! Blush

PopGoesTheWeaz · 08/08/2018 16:14

So glad it worked out. Agree, you both sound lovely x

hmcAsWas · 08/08/2018 16:20

Glad its all resolved - and thank God you didn't follow any of the more 'robust' responses on here. She's lucky to have you as a neighbour

Frogscotch7 · 08/08/2018 16:25

I’m so glad you sent her the reply you did and stopped things getting out of control. So sad for your neighbour and glad she has a good person like you nearby.

Severide08 · 08/08/2018 16:27

OP you sound a lovely person and the sort of neighbour everyone wishes they had .I would have also gone with the grief and out of character if she was normally pleasent .We can all sometimes be harsh to judge,I am guilty of it myself. Glad it is all sorted .No doubt she will be glad of a kind person around her at such a hard time Flowers.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/08/2018 16:29

She does have someone, she has you - and she’s very lucky! You’re a great neighbour and friend.

She’s only in her 50’s, not her bloody 90’s, do/say what you can to give her the courage to tell the others to fuck off. They didn’t want to know her when she had a female partner, they can shove it now. Gits.

I wonder how sudden her partners death was? The shock is dreadful if it was totally unexpected. Either way, it’s hard.

...I don’t know how people cope without life on the internet these days. I wonder if she would like to have an iPad and access to ‘people’ she has stuff in common with, other widows, people who like to do whatever she likes to do.. garden/cycle/whatever. Maybe you can suggest it when you invite her up for a coffee?

itwaseverthus · 08/08/2018 16:29

That's a nice ending Smile It does, however, prove that you had no need whatsoever to apologise to her. She was the one in the wrong entirely and apologising for being kind is unnecessary. I'm sure she would have still come up with flowers and a sorry if you hadn't responded.

MrsMozart · 08/08/2018 16:30

So glad it's sorted. Poor lady. She's lucky she has you.

Coyoacan · 08/08/2018 16:31

I'm so glad you didn't follow the arsey advice. A lesson for all of us.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2018 16:39

That's very odd. I was actually about to ask if you were sure it was her sister, as I know a lady the same age who also lets people, in fact tells people she lives with her sister and it's not it's her partner.

You didn't do anything wrong as you know, she was just having a bad day. Seems she's made amends so all good again. And you sound lovely.

viques · 08/08/2018 16:40

coyoacan I so agree with you, there are some people on here who (according to their snippy and aggressive suggestions ) are in a continual state of umbrage and offence taken and who have very little empathy or willingness to act kindly in case it is seen as being "weak" in some undefined way.

OP your poor neighbour sounds lovely as do you, she must be in a very vulnerable state ATM and I am so pleased she has a good friend in you.

Flowers Flowers one each.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2018 16:50

I'd also agree and was thinking about that this morning, so many people urge immediate relationship culling behaviour, don't have your friends round again, shout shut up, tell them to fuck off, send back an arsey reply, slash their tyres, go no contact with them now, ltb.. For the slightest misdemeanour.

I genuinely don't know if these posters are as aggressive in real life, or it's just stuff they write on the internet and reality wouldn't say boo to a goose.

hmcAsWas · 08/08/2018 16:51

Viques - so true, I imagine them (not referring to any of the posters on this thread specifically, but referring to a certain posting style on Mn) going about their daily business constantly getting into verbal scraps and unnecessary conflicts. Its often stronger to take a more considered and measured response. It isn't about being a pushover - there are times to stand your ground, but some people seemingly have a hair trigger response to sleights - real or imagined (reminds me of my younger self Blush)