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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs .

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:

DaisyEmma · 10/08/2018 09:47

You hadled that gently and just right OP. Feel so sad for her 😭 Maybe her message to you was what she actually wanted to say to the interfering relatives- maybe that means she feels safe with you...(or maybe I’m reading into it too much 😁)
Either way so brilliant you responded with kindness, often not the easiest option, ❤️ hope your friendship can continue as it was now.

JuJu2017 · 10/08/2018 10:35

YANBU, you and your Dh sound very kind to be taking this lady under your wing and helping her out with general tasks. Offering to help her with her furniture was not rude or offensive or nosy; i recently and new living room furniture delivered by a huge van and when I put a pic on fb of ds in my front room one of my neighbors commented asking if that’s what the delivery men brought because it was lovely. I didn’t think she was being nosy; the delivery van blocked her house for an hour and was very noticeable. Maybe just apologise for the misunderstanding but take a step back now.

phummed7 · 10/08/2018 10:56

I think In this situation, it is might worth knocking on her door .. ..ask how she is doing..see if that will clear the air or open up the conversation.. ..no ill feelings. delete the message so you are not reminded
..still offer some help in the future if she ask for it. but again, it depends if you are that close/

Justmeandmydawg · 10/08/2018 11:57

ImAldoot you are absolutely right. Who knows what she’s going through. She is probably feeling awful for her harsh words on top of her sorrow, which could lead to a downward spiral into depression. So just continue to be your kind self mmmgoats.

hmcAsWas · 10/08/2018 12:07

RTFT

hmcAsWas · 10/08/2018 12:07

RTFT

hmcAsWas · 10/08/2018 12:07

RTFT

hmcAsWas · 10/08/2018 12:07

(Self combusts)

Honeyroar · 10/08/2018 12:16

Alls well that ends well. You handled that perfectly.

Would it be worth seeing if there's a U3A in your area? My mother has got to some wonderful classes and days out through that and made lots of new friends. It opens doors to a lot of new interests and things. If you could get a local brochure and she saw something tempting it might help (they do beginners computing etc as well).

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 10/08/2018 14:13

You are way over invested hmcaswas.

The Op asked an AIBU people answered it. Not everyone wants to read 200+ posts to decide if they can a question. It literally doesn't harm anyone at all if they "cancel the cheque" a few times. Far more annoying to read "READTFT" four times someone who isn't even the OP.

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2018 14:46

If you can't be bothered to read a long thread, then at least read the OP's posts. (you can even colour-code them to make it really, really easy)

Then that carefully considered, thoughtful post you want to send might actually be relevant.

Just an idea...

hmcAsWas · 10/08/2018 15:06

Not over invested, it just makes me cringe. Meh

I do precisely what Nanny0gg has suggested when faced with a long thread - skim the OP's posts for relevant updates. Its not super hard.

Motoko · 10/08/2018 15:57

Yep, seeing people coming on to post a response that's totally irrelevant by the time they post it, is so annoying. Surely it's a matter of courtesy to read what else the OP has posted, if you want to advise them?

And in this instance, posting that you'd stop helping her, or you'd send a snarky text, when OP has explained that her neighbour apologised, and people are discussing how a reply like that would have made matters worse, is spectacularly redundant.

OP, I'm so glad you were kind to her, she must be in a very dark place right now. When I read your OP, I wondered if the furniture had been chosen and ordered by them both a few weeks ago, as there are often long delivery times on furniture, and perhaps it being delivered was a painful reminder.

Perhaps you could invite her up for a cuppa sometimes, she sounds like she could do with a friend.

Oh, and to the poster who suggested U3A, isn't that for pensioners? I'm in my 50s, like OP's neighbour, and was under the impression that it was for older people.

Holldstock1 · 10/08/2018 16:07

OP you handled that perfectly and you are a good neighbour and a good person.

When you've lost someone your emotions are all up and down, and it will probably be like that for some time. She may just need someone to unburden to who won't judge or have preconceptions due to their own views or historical knowledge of herself and her partner.

If she's been in the situation for years that she's felt she's had to be careful about openly speaking about herself and her partner then it can complicate the whole grieving process. It must be a relief to be able to acknowledge that she's actually just lost her life partner (not a sibling - which is hard enough in itself). Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who is a stranger or who you don't know very well as they won't have preconceptions.

Its early days yet, but if things are complicated and she feels she needs more support with her grief as time goes on, she could contact CRUSE bereavement counselling - its a national charity who have volunteer counselors trained to help people, especially those with more complicated bereavement issues through the grieving process. Sometimes people don't contact CRUSE until 6 months, a year or even a couple of years after their loss. I mention about this because although there is a waiting list (so many have heard about it), alot of people are not aware that there is this type of bereavement support available.

In the meantime you are doing the right thing OP by just being a kind neighbour and offering a friendly ear. Sometimes that's enough.

KurriKurri · 10/08/2018 16:16

Motoko - I think people think U3A is for pensioners, but actually it has no age restrictions upper or lower - anyone can go. Obviously by it's very nature (lots of the meetings are during daytime etc) it tends to be attended by retired people who want to fill in their time. Whether there is anything that would interest you (or the OP's neighbour) depends a lot on what groups you have in your areas, because groups are based on people's skills and interests (so sometimes you get retired teachers etc doing a language or history class, or a scientist doind astronomy talks or whatever - you just have to look up your area and find out if anything takes your fancy)

Motoko · 10/08/2018 16:47

KurriKurri thanks for clarifying the age thing. I've never looked them up because I thought I was too young. It's good to know there isn't an age restriction.

KurriKurri · 10/08/2018 16:55

I thought there was a lower age too Motoko but looked them up a while back when I was browsing stuff to do in my area and found that there isn't

Honeyroar · 10/08/2018 21:55

U3A around here is wonderful. My mum does French and table tennis classes, then goes on trips every week to stately homes or theatre trips and they seem to regularly do different restaurants for lunch. She loves it. I thought it was for older people too, but I do a (non U3A) French class one day a week, and a lot of my classmates do U3A and they're late 50s/early 60s who have retired early.

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2018 23:47

I might also suggest the WI. It's definitely not all jam and Jerusalem and it's well worth trying different ones to find a 'fit'. They often have groups that go to theatres and cinema, on walks and out to lunch/dinner.
Can also get very involved in 'issues' if that's where your interests lie.

It's also not just for the elderly or retired.

Br1256 · 13/08/2018 16:00

It is very easy to misunderstand text and email messages.... Maybe she thought you were complaining indirectly about the furniture being there.

A friend once texted me to reassure me she would not repeat something. I texted back saying I did not think she was like that ...she took the message to mean I didn't believe her when what I was trying to say was it didn't occur to me that she would have ....sorted out later with a quick conversation

Hope your relationship is back on a friendly footing soon.

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