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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs Blush.

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 09/08/2018 19:52

I think most of the posters who immediately went for the "tell her to fuck off" response are all keyboard and no trousers. People really don't behave like that!!

Glad you decided not to go down that route OP.

OhFFSDH · 09/08/2018 20:04

Just saw your update, you were lovely OP.

Arian1 · 09/08/2018 20:49

I think you mistook her chemistry lab equipment for making homemade heroin, for furniture. She may feel that if you find out abt it, you will want a cut of thr profit. Try negotiating with her at 50% and she will probably settle for 30%. Your husband can do thr drop offs for her. Good luck.

Fleab1te · 09/08/2018 20:58

Best. Reply. Ever.Grin

bringincrazyback · 09/08/2018 21:09

But then I'm a fan of nicely showing people they are being ridiculous

Bet you're fun at parties.

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas · 09/08/2018 21:19

Never mind who was wrong, we all are sometimes! The OP was right to think carefully and we can all learn something re compassion from this thread. I intend to have a think about my own reactions and responses! I think OP is a kind and good person.

dammmken · 09/08/2018 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2018 21:40

When I was teen a guy and I went for a walk at a party because I was really upset. His father had died 2 years prior and mine only a few weeks before. We both comforted eachother. We were both pretty drunk. When we returned to the house, I announced through hysterical laughter what was the point of it all if I could still feel this way after 2 years. His friends decided I was laughing at him rather than the truth, which was I was thinking I couldn’t survive for another 2 years and wanted to die. These stupid girls ruined any chance of connection I had with the only person, who comforted me and showed care for my feelings.

The nasty responses on this thread remind me of those girls. Shame on those posters. Some people may look like adults, but they really aren’t. Good on you for being such a kind neighbour. Smile

toxic44 · 09/08/2018 21:44

If her bereavement was so recent, she'll be all over the show. People in grief aren't always aware of what's happening or of how they're responding, so I think it's only kind to cut her some slack. I'd just message saying you meant no offence or didn't intend to intrude, or something like that.

KurriKurri · 09/08/2018 21:44

Bugger off Dammmken you peddler of shite.

user1472482328 · 09/08/2018 21:47

Don’t worry about it life is too short.
We have neighbours who only want to speak to us if they want something, so I don’t bother. A lady, round the corner from me won’t even speak to me if she walks past me in the street . What have I done , you ask to that lady ? I have no idea. People can be very strange . If you feel you have done nothing wrong just send her a message to let her know you are there if she needs you . Do not apologise, because you have nothing to apologise for .

133jkc · 09/08/2018 21:48

Hello Dear,
You are watching out for her and being a good neighbor, just a simple “sorry” and let it go, she’s lucky to have you and DH.
Don’t be hesitant to help her again if asked.
Grief is a weird thing, maybe she was just out of sorts that day.

Gilly12345 · 09/08/2018 22:01

You sound like a lovely neighbour, I wish you lived by me, i would reply to her text and say you were just being looking out for her but in the future you will not bother, perhaps it is grief but if you are all she has then I think she has overreacted and you need to give her space.

echt · 09/08/2018 22:02

Good for you mmmgoats, and glad you didn't take some of the frankly unkind, uncharitable advice upthread. I've found bereavement has left me with a skin too few at times.

Dollymouse's "grief coming out sideways" is spot-on. I'll pinch that expression forthwith.

Jeepy · 09/08/2018 22:05

Life's too short. Remember she has no one in the house to say to her, 'Don't be silly, let it go'.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 09/08/2018 22:24

Hello just for everyone who has just joined the thread and hasn’t had time to read through the whole thing, I did text a nice text and she apologised with flowers. We had a nice chat and it was all an overreaction on her part linked to her grief, totally understandable

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/08/2018 22:28

Poor woman! Torn with grief, and very probably (from what you have written) with no-one she can go to for comfort, or even to talk about the woman she loved (and still loves). I am so glad that she has found a kind ear in you.

Just by your response to her, and to her revelation, you will have given her a lot of comfort. Thank you on her behalf. (I know - cheeky - but I feel so grateful that you have been so kind)

jade9390 · 10/08/2018 02:19

You are not nosy at all, you took the delivery and it is with in your view. I would appreciate a thoughtful neighbour like you and just say no thank you, if I did not need the help.

Passenger42 · 10/08/2018 02:38

Just ignore it and treat her in a friendly manner like you always do. Text messages are the devil's work I reckon. Things always come across wrong in written text which wouldn't be the case in face to face conversation. Next time you see her smile and be nice, you know she is bereaved and she may even apologise or try to explain herself.

Slartybartfast · 10/08/2018 06:22

best outcome. glad to hear Thanks

Ozbird36 · 10/08/2018 06:56

She may be behaving erratically due to recent bereavement, but that's no reason to put up with unnecessary rudeness when you've done all you can to help her. If I were in your shoes, I'd take a step backwards - a big one. Life is too short to worry about whether you have offended someone, when you clearly haven't. If she apologises at some point, fine - you can re-assess how you feel. Otherwise, give her a wide berth!

Ozbird36 · 10/08/2018 07:00

People often say what they don't mean when they're suffering from stress - but it's hardly the way to win support from friends and neighbours. Hopefully the woman will apologise, and realise how lucky she is to have a decent neighbour.

derxa · 10/08/2018 07:30

Good ending.

Flyme21 · 10/08/2018 07:43

There are a lot on here who might RTFT

MyNameIsJane · 10/08/2018 09:31

You’re a lovely neighbour and I hope that your neighbour’s journey through grief with her family and friends gets easier. Flowers