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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs Blush.

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 08/08/2018 12:55

I think, on balance, I’d reply saying .. so sorry, didn’t mean to cause offence. Just noticed you were having a delivery with rain on the way and didn’t want your packages spoiled. Hope everything is ok. Come for a cup of tea any time you fancy a break.

A gentle way for you to point out her over-reaction and indicate you meant no offence, and that you are still friends.

RideOn · 08/08/2018 12:55

I think your reply is perfect. She has recently lost her sister and there is no use falling out with her. At the same time I don't think you were overstepping, it was just a kind offer.

HedgehogPoo · 08/08/2018 12:56

You sound lovely OP and a really good neighbour Flowers. I suppose that time will tell if she acts like this again or if it was as a result of stress, grief and trying to deal with life on her own.

Juells · 08/08/2018 12:57

I'd feel sorry for her, but the favours would end immediately. I wouldn't have replied to the text either.

I would have checked what my previous text message said though, just in case. Autocorrect can do some weird things.

hmcAsWas · 08/08/2018 12:57

As it is a one off and out of character for her I would be the bigger person (and not retaliate although I'd want to) - and as others have suggested, put it down to her not feeling quite herself given that she is recently bereaved.

You did absolutely nothing wrong though. Your suggested text is fine

Awful advice SomeKnobend

RevRichardWayneGaryWayne · 08/08/2018 12:58

TBH honest if you haven't sent it yet I'd leave out the part about "your lovely new furniture" - if she already thinks you've been nosy she might take it as letting her know you had a really good look!

That's probably a minor detail though - over all I think you're handling just about right Smile

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 12:58

Thank you!

DH has replied and said he thinks I'm massively over thinking it and to let it be but I've already sent the text now.

I don't want to be on bad terms with her, I hate the idea of her on her own down there, thinking we're prying.

Hopefully the text will smooth things over and I'll just wait for her to get in touch after that.

@someknobend a little harsh I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 12:59

@revrichardwaynegarywayne oops I sent. Blush
Maybe I am just a naturally very nosy neighbour!! Grin
In fairness, there's a giant pic of it on the side of the box. But yes, hopefully she won't read into that too much!

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 08/08/2018 13:00

A kind response to her text OP.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/08/2018 13:00

Perfect reply OP.

The first suggestion was way passive aggressive!

Phosphorus · 08/08/2018 13:03

I think you did the right thing.

Maybe the furniture was something her sister wanted/didn't want and she's feeling a bit funny about it.

She probably feels worse than you do now, as her text was so out of character.

Juells · 08/08/2018 13:04

Women are socialised to take any old shit that's thrown at them, and apologise :( Tie themselves in knots trying to understand why someone has been nasty. What would a man do? He'd recognise that there was no gratitude for all the favours he'd done in the past, and walk away.

frogsoup · 08/08/2018 13:04

Tread v carefully. Our neighbour used to randomly go off on that kind of paranoid thinking jag. It was alas v clearly mental health related. We ended up (having been friendly for years) as 'the worst most inconsiderate neighbours I've ever had', due to various preposterous (and imaginary) transgressions on our part. It was a massive relief when she moved out.

flumpybear · 08/08/2018 13:06

She was bloody rude!
Good reply - ball is in her court now she can either be pleasant or continue her rudeness

MrsMozart · 08/08/2018 13:07

Maybe there was an odd dynamic with her sister, or for some reason the furniture itself is touching a raw nerve.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2018 13:10

You sound lovely OP.
She was clearly having a bad day.
Hopefully the text will help.
I hope you get a positive response.

itwaseverthus · 08/08/2018 13:12

Good point Juells and the op's dh will still be expected to go help if the boiler malfunctions etc, despite knowing this is how his dw is being treated.

I'm probably biased because I've just been treated badly by a friend I bent over backwards to help. I won't waste a second more on ungrateful, rude takers no matter the back story now.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 13:15

If it was constantly like this, rather than a one of I'd be much less mortified and instead quite annoyed. But it is very out of character and she's normally honestly lovely, so friendly. It would seem cruel to me to just stop helping her.
She may not even ask again if she's genuinely still offended by me, but if she does I don't think I could turn her down.
I suppose it depends on how she replies/how she is with us now...

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/08/2018 13:16

I'd reply something like " was that message meant for me? "

Cheby · 08/08/2018 13:21

I wouldn’t have apologised OP. You have done nothing wrong and she was incredibly rude. Bereavement does not give you a free pass to act like a dick to people who are already doing you multiple favours.

Jinglebells99 · 08/08/2018 13:22

Mmmgoats, you sound lovely. I wish my neighbours were like you.

hmcAsWas · 08/08/2018 13:29

"Bereavement does not give you a free pass to act like a dick to people who are already doing you multiple favours"

Actually I think it does to a certain extent. When someone's heart is breaking and they are in a very dark, sad place its a bit shitty to not cut them some slack

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 13:32

@jinglebells99 aw thank you Blush
Be warned, I do accidentally nose at new furniture if it's left outside Grin

I kind of agree @hmcaswas
I can't imagine being alone in the house, having lost my companion and sister who I'd lived with for countless years...I'm not saying people shouldn't consider others at all, but I think you can cut a bit of slack in this instance. Grief does do weird things to you.

I mainly wanted to make sure I hadn't been a dick to her accidentally! And feel much better now the majority vote is that I didn't do anything interfering/inappropriate/mega nosy.

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 08/08/2018 13:39

I should imagine she's just having a shit/sad day. Grief makes you tetchy. Honestly I wouldn't read too much into it.

By the way, you sound lovely OP

SingingBabooshkaBadly · 08/08/2018 13:44

DH and I are moving in a couple of weeks mmmgoats. I hope it turns out you’re one of our new neighbours! Smile