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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs Blush.

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/08/2018 16:53

She was very rude, ignore it.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 08/08/2018 16:53

you do sound really lovely mmmgoats and I'm so glad you were kind instead of getting nasty, as I would have been so tempted to do. You've given me a good reminder that not everything is as it seems. Flowers

Knittedfairies · 08/08/2018 16:57

I’m glad to hear that your kind text opened up channels of communication again.

gindrinkingmarypoppins · 08/08/2018 16:58

Ahhhhhh, poor lady. Well done for being such a lovely neighbour

Porridgeprincess · 08/08/2018 16:59

I am so happy you replied nicely, this poor lady :(

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 17:00

@annieanonimoose I wondered the same thing about an ipad or something. I think she would really benefit from being part of an online community.

Not quite sure how to broach it but now she’s opened up I’m hoping it might be easy to bring up the subject next time I see her.

OP posts:
bertielab · 08/08/2018 17:06

I see it was her partner. I was going to suggest it might not have been a sister.
All is well that ends well.

AhhhhThatsBass · 08/08/2018 17:07

Given your latest response, OP, I hope that anyone who responded on this thread telling you that you should tell her to fucks off etc. stops now to think about why firing off a quick, shitty response to someone is categorically not always (if ever) the best response. As someone above said, it is indeed a lesson for us all, and I very much include myself in this.

AFigTree · 08/08/2018 17:08

I don’t understand her reaction at all. How weird. Of course you were not BU and you were just being kind, not at all nosy.

lostlemon · 08/08/2018 17:11

Well done OP, you sound a really lovely person. There was absolutely no harm in texting her back, the absolute worst that could have happened is that she would have been rude or ignored you. As it stands you have strengthend your friendship and that is a good thing.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/08/2018 17:17

It seems you handled it perfectly. You may have the beginning of a lovely, neighbourly friendship starting.

spanishwife · 08/08/2018 17:21

Nice ending to the story, you sound like a nice neighbour.

However, YABVU to assume they were sisters?!! I read the OP thinking 'hmm are you sure'. Very unusual for siblings in their sisters to be living together. Very normal and common for a couple to live together...

spanishwife · 08/08/2018 17:22

siblings in their fifties**

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 17:23

Thank you, you're all so lovely!

It's really sad that she seems to be resigned to her life being over - but I'm hoping that's the grief talking at the moment.
It's also sad that it seems she has lead her life feeling shame for her choice of partner - a few things she mentioned made this quite clear.
I hope now we'll get to know each other a bit better so I can make some (non interfering!) suggestions that hopefully will mean she's not lonely. I think perhaps a forum or something might be a really good idea.

I just need to be careful and try and strike a balance so it's friendly rather than pushy/interfering.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 17:26

@spanishwife I don't know why we thought that - I'm inclined to think it was something said by one of them, but I can't remember now. A couple of other neighbours referred to them as 'the sisters downstairs' when we were moving in I think, so it might have been that! I can't say I ever delved any deeper to be honest.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 08/08/2018 17:31

Like Bluntness my first thought was it wasn't her sister. I'm so glad you realised her out of character text wasnt really down to you being seen as nosy. Grief is awful & isolating. I got a bit teary when I read you'd chatted & resolved it. You're a very kind, thoughtful person OP.

GinaCarbonara · 08/08/2018 17:36

God how sad. But you handled it so kindly, well done and I wish more people handled situations in the manner you do.

seafret · 08/08/2018 17:39

Aw mmm you sound lovely!

I'm sure now that the door has been opened you will become closer and that will mean a lot to her.

Just give her time and don't feel that you have to find all the answers. She may want to feel lonely to an extent - not just 'replace' her partner, though of course that would not be your intention, but the feelings of grief are visceral and varied and everyone is different.

Listening and just being there spending time with her and her feelings is often what is needed and I am sure she will value knowing that you are there.Star

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2018 17:41

It's also sad that it seems she has lead her life feeling shame for her choice of partner

With thr lady I know it's more fear of being negatively judged and the possible impact it would have on her everyday life, For people in their fifties and older , homophobia was something they often grew up with, especially with their parents.

Homosexuality is rightly fully accepted as basically irrelevant now by right minded people , who gives a shit who someone loves, but that wasn't the case decades ago. People were negatively judged, and often publicly so.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 08/08/2018 17:45

Poor lady. Im glad youre a nice enough person not to send some of the shitty /passive aggressive suggestions you had.

MovingThisYearHopefully · 08/08/2018 17:48

The poor poor woman. I'm so glad you responded nicely & can now be a support to her. A lesson indeed to those of us who jumped in with not so kind responses. Flowers

Notevilstepmother · 08/08/2018 17:49

What a lovely ending, I am so glad you are there to support her. If she wasn’t out she might not know other lesbians, which is a shame as I’ve noticed that there is often a strong feeling of community and supporting each other with those I’ve met. It must be harder for her being of a generation where some won’t see her as having been in a proper relationship and won’t support her the same as they would a widow.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 17:51

@bluntness100 yes I phrased that badly really. The shame wasn't because of the partner, because of other people.

@seafret good advice. I wouldn't ever try to get her to replace her partner, I just thought that when she feels ready (if she feels ready) she might benefit from having other people to talk to in some way. But obviously would never force that on her or push her into anything.

OP posts:
rubyroot · 08/08/2018 17:53

Awwwww warms your heart. So pleased that your text got this response- well done you!