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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

have offended neighbour and now wonder if I was BU?

195 replies

mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 11:44

I live in a flat on the first floor of a small block. Only the ground floor has a garden, a kind of courtyard garden, and all the flats above have juliette balconies so you can see into the courtyard garden.
I'm friendly with neighbour with courtyard garden. She's in her late fifties and lived with her sister who passed away a couple of months ago and now lives on her own. She never has any family to visit so often asks if DH will go check out the boiler etc if there are any problems. I have her number and we message on and off about building stuff/deliveries etc.

Anyway a couple of days ago she had some furniture delivered - I was downstairs leaving as they were bringing it in.
It's been placed in cardboard boxes against her back wall in her garden, so I can see it from my house as it's what my doors look out onto.
Last night she messaged to ask if she could borrow our parking space later this week. It had just started belting it down with rain so I replied saying yes and if she wanted a hand bringing her furniture in from the rain, DH was happy to help.

She didn't reply so didn't think anything of it but this morning has messaged to say she doesn't appreciate me nosing in her affairs Blush.

I'm now mortified that I come across as a nosy interfering neighbour, I didn't really think about it offending when I offered, just thought her lovely new furniture might get ruined!

WIBU?

OP posts:
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 08/08/2018 17:55

Oh poor lady, that is so sad Sad. You sound like a lovely person OP.

Yoksha · 08/08/2018 18:19

OP....all's well that ends well.

So glad. Thanks for your acknowledgment.

My two spinster cousins lived together as sisters. One's just died in her 50's so I found nothing strange there. Duh!! Anyway does it matter, she was happy and now she's sad. Poor lady.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 08/08/2018 18:24

@yoksha yes to be honest it never crossed my mind.

@vodkalimesoda21 ah thank you.

@rubyroot thank you! I’m glad I posted actually otherwise I might have stewed on it and got annoyed instead of mortified and then who knows what would have happened!

OP posts:
Goth237 · 08/08/2018 18:29

Wow, I'm sorry but that was a really bitchy reply. She was being very rude when you were just offering help. I would reply with something like "I'm sorry for offering to help you. Won't happen again."

ApolloandDaphne · 08/08/2018 18:31

Goth237 You need to RTFT!

TooManyPaws · 08/08/2018 19:37

I can't remember the organisation (not Cruse) that really helped a friend when his husband died. Something about young widowed; he was joking that he just managed to squeeze in at 49 rather than into the slightly older organisation at 50.

stillamum22 · 08/08/2018 21:08

She may be kicking herself for being so sharp with her. Give a pleasant reply and then carry on being breezy. You're obviously a good neighbour

youarenotkiddingme · 08/08/2018 22:28

The golden my 'nicely showing someone they are being an arse' was tongue in cheek.
I know it's PA but my response to people being downright rude is not to go in softly softly (been taken advantage of far too many times) and I'm not someone who argues.

I find basically saying "well if that's what you want - you can have what you want" works very well and showing them alongside this they will lose out doesn't hurt. Wink

And grieving is no excuse for being rude. It's an explanation but if it's grief she needs to apologise for taking her grief out on someone who was being neighbourly.

PitchBlackNight · 08/08/2018 22:38

That’s a good result.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/08/2018 22:38

I think you will find a good time and a good way to let her know how great it is to have like minded people to talk to on the internet. How varied their views are on life, but when it comes down to it, they’re there for you as well as it being entertaining and helping to pass quiet evenings...

I know a few pairs of sisters and a pair of brothers that live together, so if someone said they were sisters it wouldn’t occur to me to think twice about it. Same if someone said they were a couple. You take what people say at face value unless you’ve got a reason not to.

AjasLipstick · 08/08/2018 22:41

There. I don't mean to gloat but it's more or less exactly what I said at the start of the thread!

I also can't believe how bloody fast so many posters were to say "Oh well then! That's the last time I'd help her!"

SO insensitive. OP was clear that the woman had just been bereaved.

MrsFezziwig · 09/08/2018 01:16

OP I was so glad to read your updates. I had been getting more and more upset reading this thread and the advice given by some horrible people who clearly have zero empathy and think it is ok to score points off a bereaved person. If her snapping at you was repeated then fair enough, but one comment?

I have worked with people dealing with traumatic life situations and sometimes they have said harsh or unfair things to me - if this happened on several occasions then I would do something about it, but if just once I would just see it as a reaction to the situation they found themselves in rather than taking it personally.

So you have handled it correctly OP, and sound lovely - others on here not so much.

And as for the posters who see 6 pages of comments including updates but think "oh I'll just comment on the original post, obviously no-one will have already said what I'm going to say" - sort yourselves out.

dwab45 · 09/08/2018 17:31

I should leave well alone and let her come to her senses. If not, her loss.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2018 17:41

FGS @Dwab45 read the blummin' thread!

And as for the posters who see 6 pages of comments including updates but think "oh I'll just comment on the original post, obviously no-one will have already said what I'm going to say" - sort yourselves out.

I totally agree

dwab45 · 09/08/2018 17:48

Do you totally agree with me or yourself?

LondonJax · 09/08/2018 17:50

I must admit the thing I found sad about this is that the woman had lost her sister (who turned out to be her partner), sent a snooty text and was replied to by text. Why don't people just knock on the door nowadays?

It's so easy for things to be misconstrued by text. Luckily your message was pretty straight forward and she realised she'd gone OTT. But maybe it's a lesson for everyone who were going to tell her to 'f@@@ off' if she were their neighbour to just nip downstairs and say 'sorry if I've caused offence, I was just there when the furniture arrived so wondered if we could help. You know I'm not the noisy type and I was a bit upset that you could even think that'.

The neighbour obviously realised that she had fences to mend so popped upstairs, quite rightly, but this could have run and run if she'd text back.

I just think it's sad that people don't actually talk face to face when these things happen.

EdisonLightBulb · 09/08/2018 18:05

I'm glad it turned out ok for you OP and you dealt with it so well. I have learnt a lesson here to try to not be so reactively to everything. I know I do it and I try not to, but you were very empathetic and it worked out well.

Maelstrop · 09/08/2018 18:38

I must admit the thing I found sad about this is that the woman had lost her sister (who turned out to be her partner), sent a snooty text and was replied to by text. Why don't people just knock on the door nowadays?

I think it was the best thing, actually, gave everyone time to think, consider an answer etc. Had the OP gone straight down to the neighbour, there might have been heated words exchanged. As it is, it’s like neighbourly relations have been restored.

OlivaX · 09/08/2018 18:56

You were caring, she was rude. Tell her to jog on next time when she needs help with her boiler.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/08/2018 19:10

I thought she might come round with flowers. I had a similar thing happen with a neighbour who was also a friend, and she really regretted her outburst , she was just in a very bad place at the time. We are still good friends.
You sound like a lovely neighbour and so does she.

KurriKurri · 09/08/2018 19:29

Oh poor lady, I bet she'd just had it up to here with pushy relatives and snapped at you. You sound a lovely kind person and it's great that you've had a chat and you know more about her situation now. She will be feeling so lost without her partner I'm glad she felt she could talk to you about some of the stresses in her life.
So glad you didn;t send any of the horrid messages some people suggested, that would have been awful for her to receive one of those.

OhFFSDH · 09/08/2018 19:35

Could it be that she thought you were in her garden? My neighbour comes in ours all the time and has a total disregard for our privacy. Perhaps she thought you were looking at it?

AimeeJx · 09/08/2018 19:43

Bless her.

I'm gay and in my 30s and lots of people assume my DP is my sister Confused

CasanovaFrankenstein · 09/08/2018 19:45

You handled it really well. Don't think you overthought it at all, in fact you gave it proper consideration - quite stunned at some of the responses on here when you'd clearly explained she was bereaved. Bizarre.

Knee jerk reactions won't help neighbourly relationships.

Dollymouse · 09/08/2018 19:49

I would echo adjaslipstick - i’ve Just lost my Dad and I am doing my best but my grief is coming out sideways - in fact I overreacted to something a neighbour did and then had to apologise for having overreacted.

YANBU - but please be kind - I bet she’ll apologise in time. You sound like a lovely kind neighbour - I bet she’d be devastated to lose you.