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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

229 replies

Happysunshine1992 · 05/08/2018 23:10

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

OP posts:
TrippingTheVelvet · 05/08/2018 23:13

If that was the case, I wouldn't get to socialise with my mates because we're all broke.

FarrahMoan · 05/08/2018 23:13

So people on a limited budget shouldn't celebrate?

Surely as long as guests are aware they make the decision whether they want to attend and buy their own drinks etc or to stay at home

greendale17 · 05/08/2018 23:13

I don’t like it when you are asked to bring food- either the host should provide food or don’t host.

I thought it was a general rule that you take your own drinks to parties?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 23:13

No
I’ll buy a fair whack but ask guests to bring food and drink too
Everyone does,we all get to share delicious food,and talk etc
Same as a restaurant do,we all split the bill
No one person is saddled with picking up whole tab

FarrahMoan · 05/08/2018 23:14

This reads like a humble brag

greendale17 · 05/08/2018 23:14

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

^Not just you OP, me and most of my friends also have the same attitude

SpottingTheZebras · 05/08/2018 23:15

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

Oh FFS if you are going to be goady at least be grammatically correct and say fewer, not less.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 23:16

Conversely, I wouldn’t dream of attending someone’s house without food/drink
And a wee gift for the host,for hosting and being gracious
It’s rude & graspy to turn up empty handed,eat,drink and bring sweet fa with you

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 23:18

Only on planet mn do people expect free bar,and to be paid for in restaurants
In real life,people don’t expect freebies and aren’t agrieved when contributing

AfternoonTeaIsLovely · 05/08/2018 23:20

I had a different upbringing. My Mum's friends used to take it turns hosting and everyone chipped into a little buffet and brought their own drinks which were shared.

I did a BBQ for 7 adults and 4 children a few weeks ago and including BBQ fuel, it cost the best part of £100 and that was with people bringing any specific alcohol they wanted (I had basic soft drinks bottles and cans and a bottle of schnapps for a summery offering).

I can't imagine the cost of hosting for more and paying for everything. Surely you understand OP that not everyone can do that!?

I'd much rather attend more events and parties with a contribution than only occasionally attend fully paid ones...

MonaLisaSimpson · 05/08/2018 23:20

My group of friends tend to take it in turn to host. The host generally provides the bulk of the food and the guests bring sides, puddings and drinks.

I would never go to a party/wedding etc without assuming I was paying for my own drinks. I could never ever ever throw a party in a club etc if I was paying for everyone's drinks because I couldn't afford it.

My friends and I are happy with our arrangement, who are you to criticise how other people live their lives?

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 05/08/2018 23:20

Some people can't afford to pay to host people like that. Therefore by your rules they can never host?
I would happily take food and drink to a gathering. Perhaps this is because I know lots of not-well-off people yet we all enjoy a good get together round someone's place

edwinbear · 05/08/2018 23:21

I disagree. We enjoy hosting and are typically generous when we do, but in our social circle nobody would dream of arriving without a few bottles of something. We typically take a magnum of champagne and receive similar when we host. However, some of our best nights have been impromptu ‘everyone back to ours’ type of affairs where nobody takes a thing - and that’s fine too. I think it all evens out in the end.

CherryPavlova · 05/08/2018 23:21

I think it entirely depends on several factors including the formality of the occasion and the norms for the group.
If I have a dinner party or drinks, I would expect to provide everything.
If a group of close friends joins us for a less formal supper party then one or other will invariably offer to bring a pudding and to refuse would be churlish.
If we go to a relaxed even barbecue with friends we know well we’ll usually take a couple of bottles of wine - maybe something amusing or unusual to help the party atmosphere.
I think sometimes people sharing the workload helps them feel more included rather than ‘done unto’.

MaisyPops · 05/08/2018 23:23

Meanwhile in my world, you arrive to tea at someone's house with a bottle of wine, if it's a larger gathering then it's customary to bring your own drinks to top up wjat the host provides and if there is a BBQ then it's an informal gathering and everyone brings meat for the bbq or a side or a sweet.

If you all go out for a meal then you each pay your own or split the bill (all things being roughly equal).

If I'm invited round for tea then I wouldn't expect to bring anything other than a token for the host.

Is the OP just humblebragging?

Original poster
Happysunshine1992 · 05/08/2018 23:25

I agree that you shouldn't attend empty handed and it is always respectful to bring something for the hosts as a thank you gesture.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 23:26

Same as Maisy describes,if it’s simply tea,I’ll take some biscuits
Otherwise everyone I know contributes and brings something to do’s
In restaurant we split costs of course.

CherryPavlova · 05/08/2018 23:26

Can I also just say “hosting at a bar or club” sounds terribly nouveau unless you’re a richer student, a corporate events organiser or a football club Secretary.

callkiki · 05/08/2018 23:27

I was invited to a 50th Birthday party with my husband at his best friends house to celebrate his birthday. We were invited for dinner and cake.

Turns out dinner was the wife handing all of us take out menus and told us to order what we wanted and told several were close enough to walk to if we wanted to collect ourselves. Also told that there was a ATM at the local shop around the corner if we needed to get cash....

After ordering and paying for our own dinner and being made to wait for others dinners to arrive ours sat and got cold for over 40 minutes, we finally ate the Chinese takeaway we paid for.

Cake...the wife brought out the birthday cake and showed it to us and told us how amazing it tasted and obviously they had already tucked into it. We were only allowed to admire the 3/4 left over sheet cake and hear about how they were going to have some as soon as the guests left as it was too good not to have a 2nd piece :(

melj1213 · 05/08/2018 23:28

There's a difference between hosting and being the one to organize an event.

If you are hosting an "invitation" event like a birthday party/wedding/christening etc then imo you are responsible for paying but if you are just inviting people to join you in a casual event e.g. a summer BBQ or a meal with friends to celebrate a birthday then everyone is responsible for paying their own way or at least offering to contribute.

For example, my parents have a huge house with large garden, big enough to hold our entire extended family of 40+people comfortably. I live in a 2 bed terrace with a tiny yard and it feels full when DD and I are in the same room at the same time.

It was my birthday a month ago but I was away at the time, when I came back my parents offered to "host" a BBQ at their house as a belated family birthday celebration. Whilst they were the hosts - in that the BBQ was at their house, they shopped for the party supplies, they were the ones to do the cooking and arranging etc - there was no way our family would let them eat the entire cost of hosting 40+ people and everyone chipped in something - whether it was offering money, bringing a dish/drinks for everyone to share or arriving early/staying late to help set up and/or tidy up.

edwinbear · 05/08/2018 23:28

I usually take those massive marshmallows, chocolate digestives and skewers (along with the booze) to a BBQ, because it’s fun and kind and these are my friends, who have run themselves ragged tidying, preparing, shopping etc and I like them to feel appreciated.

Original poster
Happysunshine1992 · 05/08/2018 23:28

Not humblebragging at all. Why would you do that on a anonymous forum? Its supposed to be discussion that is all.

OP posts:
senua · 05/08/2018 23:30

It doesn't really matter what you do (host pays / go dutch / whatever) as long as it is agreed beforehand so everyone knows where they stand.

edwinbear · 05/08/2018 23:30

OP I agree that I’d never specifically ask guests to bring anything, no. And I always cater assuming people don’t provide anything, I’d never rely on guests to provide sufficient wine for example.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 23:31

If you are hosting an "invitation" event like a birthday party/wedding/christening etc then imo you are responsible for paying
To an extent,yes. But not an open free for all
Birthday do, no I’d expect guests bring something,everyone I know would