If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

[Happysunshine1992]

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

I host a lot of do's over the course of a year - in my social circle everyone would ask what they can bring, every time.

If it's a dinner party for 6-10 I'd refuse offers of food but know that people would definitely bring a bottle.

If it's a BBQ for 20-50 then I would say we're sorting the meat but then divvy the other stuff up and be quite specific about what people should bring - never more than 1 salad or some rolls/relishes. People would then also bring drink. I don't think this is bad hosting at all - everyone wants to help out, no one is being asked to bring too much.

We are hosting the event, doing all the setting up and clearing up and it'll still cost us £££ to do so. Asking someone to bring a salad and a bottle isn't bad manners I feel. I personally wouldn't really want to be friends with people who felt it was ok to turn up empty handed and expect everything to be laid on for them. We all pitch in.

People don't bring food but it's certainly not down to us to provide drinks. I'd have spent my rent on one party!

I agree 100% with that. A gift for the host that might be food/drink (alcohol/chocs) that can be put in a cupboard if there's plenty of food out already.

Gillian1980 what you describe is exactly the same as my social group and I suspect it's far more likely to be the norm than some MNers arbitrary rules around hosting.

Yes of course inviting people over and then giving them the bill or a takeaway menu is poor form but that's fairly unusual in any circle and not what the snobby OP is talking about. Rather Op and others are sneering because some people do things differently to how the Op and her parents (and presumably their parents before them and so on and so on ) do things.

Tbh I suspect quite a few of the "I simple wouldn't dream of..." posters are far more concerned with their perceived social standing and ensuring that at the end of a social occasion they can tick all the boxes that confirm that yes indeed, they're still middle class. Pathetic!

Some of you are probably missing out on all sorts of fun gatherings because it's obvious to other people you'd be looking down your noses at them. Ffs open your minds and loosen your stays, you might just enjoy life a bit more!

If me and DH invite people round for food we expect to buy all the food and drink. If people bring anything such as a bottle of wine that is lovely but certainly not expected.

We never have bbqs because we are vegetarian and would not want to cook meat for others but if we are invited to a bbq we would always offer to take something veggie plus we would take a bottle of non alcoholic wine as that is what I drink.

We have been to 3 weddings in the last two years and there was a free bar at 2 of them. Both were family and quite large weddings - one with about 100 guests and one with around 170 guests. Neither couple are that well off but they both said they were paying a lot for the wedding, food etc and thought it mean to make guests pay for drink.

We also have been to 2 engagement parties and both supplied all food and one had a free bar

At our wedding we also had a free bar. We had very little money but just didn't think it right that people pay for drink. I can't remember what it cost but it wasn't that much. I guess our families are not big drinkers!

I was invited to a drinks party at an acquaintance's home where the host emailed all guests asking for a £10 contribution towards nibbles and wine. I was going to take a bottle and a huge platter of spring rolls, samosas etc. Instead I declined the invitation citing a previous engagement. I think it's a bit, crass to ask for money particularly for a drinks party where the food on offer is usually crisps and nuts. The hosts would have bought cheap wine & snacks and pocketed the rest of the cash as profit imo.

If I invite people to my house, whether for a meal or to stay, I would expect to cover the cost of all food and drink. Lovely if they bring a bottle of wine or similar, but I would never, in a million years, ask for specific food or drink to be provided by the guests.
Ditto if I invite people to a restaurant to celebrate, my birthday, for example. It is my party and, therefore, my bill.
Quite another matter if a group of friends agree to go out for a meal, I would then expect either to split the bill or just pay for myself.

See I can’t imagine going to a BBQ without bringing some food. Maybe meat and some dips or a nice salad. I just ask the host before if what I’m bringing is ok

When we host I normally let guests know that we will be providing food and certain drinks (normally soft drinks, some beers and a couple of cocktails) but if guests want anything in particular then they need to bring their own. Some guests turn up with a bottle and others don't, it does not bother me. It is my decision to host a party and have the expense.

it is always respectful to bring something for the hosts as a thank you gesture.

I hate the use of the word 'respectful' and 'disrespectful' on MN. I can't out my finger on why. Is it twee? Too earnest? I really don't know.

OP, don't ever go to the US, a potluck get together would blow your mind. EVERYONE brings a dish. SHOCK HORROR.

Ditto if I invite people to a restaurant to celebrate, my birthday, for example. It is my party and, therefore, my bill.

That's completely different to us, if it's your birthday then you're not paying for anything, everyone else will chip in to pay for it.

I guess it's just what everyone is use to and there's really no right or wrong as long as everything is known in advance.

I got invited to a wedding and on the invite there was a note if you want food the pub where the reception was had laid on a set buffet but you had to pay for it. Wasn’t best pleased. Took it as a bit of an insult. Especially as we’d made the brides dress and I was the best man.

I know budgets are tight but the catering at my wedding only cost us £250 and fed 100 guests.

OP, don't ever go to the US, a potluck get together would blow your mind. EVERYONE brings a dish. SHOCK HORROR.

But that's doing what it says on the tin, isn't it? In effect, shall we get together and all bring a dish? I think what the OP is talking about is people being invited - i.e. "Please come to our dinner party on Saturday at 8" or "You are invited to the wedding of Sue and Henry on 24 May" and then asked to pay for themselves. It is a different kettle of fish, especially in the latter case, when attending the nuptials of Sue and Henry may already cost you a night in a hotel, an expensive gift and s new outfit.

Normally it's not a matter of asking for contributions. It's just normal in our circles for everyone to offer to bring stuff. Sometimes it's accepted, sometimes it's not but it's not awkward.

If you are hosting then yes you pay for the lot. I
We got a class birthday invitation once which was a 'bring and share' picnic. I really hate that idea, last thing I want on a Saturday morning is to have to cook a dish that is enough for 30 people. The really annoying bit was that on the invitation it was stipulated what would constitute a n 'ethical present' and there was nothing under a tenner. I was really peeved when the 'hosts' didn't even bring a dish themselves.

If I throw a party, (dinner party/BBQ/buffet style party etc) I provide everything - food, drink etc, but generally people bring gifts (flowers/chocs etc) plus they'll often bring a bottle of wine. I usually end up with tons of wine left over. I'd find it odd to be specifically asked to bring something along if someone was hosting, but equally, I'd never dream of turning up without a gift and a bottle of wine.

I've never hosted, nor been invited to a "bring and share" party - maybe I'm missing out! i can definitely see how it could be fun for a dinner party - each couple prepare a course each, and you end up with a hotchpotch of styles, but probably truly amazing food as you only need to concentrate on one course each. That said - surely transporting/keeping warm etc would be a problem.

In restaurants, generally we'd all split the bill, and I would have no issues with a pay bar in the evening at a wedding (although I'd probably think it a bit odd if table wine wasn't provided for the meal).

The other thing which causes annoyance - this particularly applies to weddings - is that some people don't cut their cloth according to their means and then effectively expect their guests to subsidise their choices.

A friend of mine had a decent budget, but decided she wanted her wedding in a very, very upmarket London venue. Fair enough, you may say. But the result of this was that it was cash bar all the way and the drinks were London hotel prices. So a glass of wine and a gin and tonic came to £35. And everybody is having to spend a decent whack of money just to go to her celebration. Whereas had she spent the same money on a more modest venue and sprung for the booze from the budget, it would have cost everybody else a hell of a lot less (and they'd probably have had more fun, because at £20 a pop very few people decide that's the night to let their hair down with a few drinks!). I think sometimes people forget the impact that their choices have on others, especially for something like a wedding when people feel more of an obligation to attend.

I would usually provide food and have booze in but would always expect people to bring their own booze too. I don't know anyone that doesn't do this. I end up hosting most of the time as our house is open plan so is easier so essentially I would be constantly paying for everyone's nights out if I provided all food and drink.

I really don't care how it's done as long as guests know in advance. I have turned up before for a 630/7 meet at someone's house and there has been no food at all but it wasn't even mentioned so we were drinking but hadn't eaten. Happy to bring food or eat before, hosting can be mega expensive so I think it is rude to expect people should supply everything but guests aren't psychic also. We have other friends who just say eat before, we'll provide nibbles, I think that's perfectly acceptable.

Natalia- I hate that too, its almost a bit showy offy, I had a friend that did similar. Posh venue, expensive drinks and not local for anyone so we had to travel nearly an hour for an evening do, almost straight from work on a Fri eve to find £10 drinks and no food for evening guests, not even cake. We stayed an hour and ordered pizza on the way home

Yes, if we host then we pay for everything. However, it isn't expected at all. We always check when someone else is hosting as to what we can contribute, and at a very minimum will take drinks.

At a restaurant, if it's our occasion then we will pay. However, we've no expectation for this to be the norm or to be reciprocated and would be quite fine splitting a bill.

As long as everyone is aware beforehand then I can't fathom why it would be an issue.

If you throw a party once a year then I think it’s fine for the host to provide everything but not fine for guests to turn up empty handed (booze - my rule is being what I’d drink plus extra) and some flowers or chocolates. If you host often because you have the space, better cook, easier with kids then the costs and labour should be shared, with again a gift for the host to acknowledge the effort.

How lovely for you to live in a world where you have that kind of disposable income.

I've got another friend who is quite happy to eat and be merry at your expense if you're hosting. However, she'll always say she's skint so never pays for anyone but she'll have the latest gadgets. She's the type to invite you to hers but will charge you for food and then moan about how much it costs her. She has now upped taking financial advantage to another level by asking trade friends to provide a service and then not paying or paying in bits over a while. She's a complete con artist who takes advantage of her friends and she's bringing her kids to be similar.

Just horses for courses isn't it? Whatever works for you and the friends/family you're socialising with.

You can’t make firm rules about things like this. It depends on the venue, the occasion, the financial circumstances of hosts and guests, social mores within the group etc etc etc. What is unreasonable is judging people who do things differently to you.

In our circles we sometimes do a pot luck thing when everyone brings their speciality dish, sometimes the host/hostess will fully cater. Either is fine by me as long as everyone knows what sort of a do it is. And people will always bring wine/fizz/beer/chocolates etc.

OTH I recently hosted a do with a very carefully planned menu. I messaged everyone saying I was cooking and no need to bring anything. Even so a few people messaged asking what they could bring. They all got a personal message back saying ‘don’t bring anything, just yourself, I’ve made more than enough food’. And even them two of them turned up with their regular contributions. It was a right pain, they didn’t go with anything I had prepared (along the lines of someone bringing a curry to an afternoon tea) AND it was two dishes that had to be oven heated on the hottest day of the year when I had cooked ahead so as to be out of the kitchen all calm and collected.