If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

[Happysunshine1992]

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

keyboardkate
The rhetoric on here is quite snobby. People are saying that you shouldn't do things with as many friends if you can't afford to fully cater and supply all the alcohol and drinks for the evening.
Others are saying if you can't afford x y z then don't have people round.

That is snobby. Dress it up how you like but I haven't got the wrong end of the stick. It's sneery and full of superiority.

If I invite people for tea (as in evening meal) then they come round for food, I'll cook a starter and a main. It's really common for a side or pudding to be brought by friends.
If It's a BBQ then the host has a starter pack and people bring things for the grill. It's not the end of the world if you have a few more burgers.
If a friend hosts a bring and share then we all chip in what we will bring in the WhatsApp or Facebook group.

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar all night (and only came across the idea of paying for drinks as 'tacky when reading American wedding websites. They say you should have a cake and punch reception rather than a cash bar because guests shouldn't ever pay for a drink). What would I rather: more friends and family to share my day and they can get wine and beer from an affordable bar? Or spend that money on alcohol to make myself look good to other people? No brainer.

Crack in OP with your circle of friends who clearly are very expectant and entitled. Let the real world do it’s thing.
Exactly. If that's their thing then great. Crack on. Don't be judgey and sneery that other people might not do it that way and essentially judge them for being poor.

I agree with you 100%. If you host you pay

My friends and I are usually broke, so we go to budget eateries and pay our way. I have no problem with providing a dish or some wine, if somebody is hosting, as most of us are broke.

I've never been anywhere with an open bar, you might get your first drink or a couple of bottles of wine on the tables.

As for birthday parties/meals out, we always chip in and pay for the birthday person's meal/drinks. I'd never expect them to pay on the actual night, especially if they've paid for hall hire/DJ etc. At the end of my sister's birthday, she was told she still had 5 or 6 drinks behind the bar that other people had paid for.

I'd never ask guests to bring their own food or drink to my house.

Eating out could be different due to the expense....but if I was inviting family members out for my birthday for example...I'd pay at the restaurant. If I was inviting friends...we'd split the bill as they wouldn't be expecting me to pay.

Same goes for hosting a wedding. It's frowned upon to expect guests to buy their own drinks at a wedding in my culture. All drinks were paid for at my wedding.

I don't agree that you should only host if you are paying!!!!
It's perfectly normal to have a celebration where everyone chips in.
Problems arise when the invitation is not clear!!!

I’ve just read the thread about period poverty. This Op is similar, in that she cannot grasp that some people simply do not have as much money as them.

I genuinely think it is sad that you will never enjoy a bring and share. My group of friends are scattered across the country, new home owners so doing up houses, new babies so high childcare costs, average to good salaries. We would never see each other if we had to rely on one of us to completely foot the bill. And I have added so many wonderful dishes to my repertoire from friends sharing their culinary skills.

Give a bring and share a try, OP. You might just enjoy it, and sa e yourself a few hundred quid.

It’s not just about cost, it’s about the effort and work involved with hosting. This weekend we went to friends for supper. Three couples all financially well off. Hosts did a starter and a main, all deli and simple. Friend 2 did pud and I brought the cheese board.

The key to this is that the contributing friends actually serve and deal with their course rather than just shove it at the host on arrival, that entirely misses the point.

It was a delightful evening and we all very much prefer to do this.

Apart from barbecues, I ageee with op that if you are hosting at your house, you providemthe food tc. For barbecues, people bring some contribution, usually meat.

I get the distinct impression that many posters are viewing their scenarios and different experiences of those and conflating what's being said.

OP's talking (unless I'm mistaken) of guests being asked to pay by the 'host' - and there's a shocking example on the thread of that. That's no host and, if anybody thinks that they are then please, never invite me because whilst I'd fall into line (probably) with your ridiculous delusions of grandeur, there wouldn't be a repeat because I'd think you gauche and having read too many z-leb mags, picturing yourself as 'mein host'.

I'm talking about callkiki's post as the shocking example and to a degree, CheeseYesPlease's post as there wasn't an expectation of the guests that they were to 'bring their own meat'.

Bring and share is great, what's not to love about it? Is anybody saying that this shouldn't be a 'thing'? I don't think they are so it's just a bit pointless and sulky to keep banging on about what nobody is suggesting or instructing that people do, isn't it?

I'm not sure what world you live in OP, but in my world it is totally normal to invite people to a BBQ and ask them to bring a bottle.

Another episode of 'person doesn't understand different social norms, calls everyone else who doesn't povvos/cheap/CF'.

Thing is, it doesn't matter WHAT your social norm is, does it OP? If you exist in the world of paid bars laid on by friends, then you will reciprocate at some point. Say you spend £1000 hosting in a year, but you'll be the bit by bit beneficiary of other people's hosting up to the sum of £1000 through the year. Others pay their way on different occasions, and spend what they can afford.

This latter way is often favoured by people who have differing incomes especially, because it doesn't place an obligation on anyone to 'spend to attend', or host afterwards.

Since you've only vaguely heard of the idea of people not paying the full bar tab on here and not suffered the indignity in real life, then I think you're pretty immune to the phenomenon, so let me assure you that the rest of us are handling it just fine.

MatildaTheCat
I agree. It's the whole socialising element of it. Sharing the load means that the hosts aren't stuck in the kitchen not seeing the people they've invited round.
I don't think I would enjoy a formal dinner party type event. Much nicer for the hosts to do the main and the rest of us chip in.
(Sometimes we even help set the table!)

In our circle, we probably could afford a fully catered and drinks provided night at home. None of us do though because it hits that couple that month more and it's easier to do multiple nights where it sets everyone back a smaller amount.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
Some people are saying that if you can't afford to pay for everyone's drinks all night then don't have people round or invite them out.
Other people are saying there shouldn't be cash bars because guests shouldn't pay.
Others are suggesting that guests shouldn't have to bring anything and people should have fewer people over in order to pay for everything.

The example of being invited for a birthday dinner and paying for takeaway is shocking because it's being presented as one type of event and clearly the event was nothing of the sort.
But people have got on their high horse saying they wouldn't attend gatherings if they had to bring anything.

God almighty. All this talk of 'hosting' and 'guests' puts me in mind of cruise passengers angling for the Captains Table.

Most people just hang out with friends and muck in. I couldn't enjoy my dinner if it came with a side of correct behaviour.

My gran used to go on about 'host duties' etc and I thought that level of strained etiquette would die out with her generation.

I'll dig out my evening gloves..

It depends what type of party. I have a group of my mummy friends and we all take it in turn to host at ours. Everyone brings a dish and any specific drinks they like. If I’m actually inviting people to a dinner party or a bbq, then I don’t expect anyone to bring anything unless they want to. I always sort out all the food and drink but usually people come with a bottle of wine or chocolate or something as they don’t like to turn up empty handed.

So who decides who's turn it is next, I presume your skint friends who can't afford a party just get paid to have fun by you a lot?! I expect food to be provided at a house party but I wouldn't bat an eyelid if asked to bring a dish, I would never expect a host to provide alcohol.

Very goady post OP.

Surely you realise there is more than one way to skin a cat?

Different groups of people have different social conventions. As long as everyone is signed up to the same model, it really couldn't matter less.

You're welcome to the party. 2 free glasses of fizz and a punch bowl type thing. No chance of me offering a free bar because some people think that's an invitation to drink themselves senseless and be a general pain in the neck. Do that in your own time at own expense thanks.

I’ll always provide food when hosting but would expect people to bring their own drink or have a pay bar. If hosting at home I’d get mixers and some beers but I wouldn’t provide all the booze and it wouldn’t be expected either. I wouldn’t ask people to chip in cash to pay for an event though if you can’t afford the event then scale it down to what you can afford.

If I'm invited to a BBQ then I always ask what I can bring & turn up with food & drink (far more than we'd consume, we're lightweight drinkers).
Going out I expect to pay my way.

Yeah, dinner parties and events are only for those that can afford them. The plebs should press their noses up against the window and marvel at the wonders of the full dining table around which pretty ladies wearing twinkling jewels give a dainty laugh whilst the men smoke fat cigars.

Different folks, different strokes. When we have a party or invite friends to stay we don't expect anyone to supply anything, although a hostess gift is nice. I appreciate not everyone's like us so I always ask if we can take something and would always take a couple of bottles.

It depends on the occasion. An informal BBQ amongst friends, which we’re having on an almost weekly basis at the moment, people bring some food and alcohol but you provide the bulk. Something more official like a BBQ for a birthday I would provide all food and lots of alcohol but people would bring drinks too.

At my wedding I paid for drinks throughout dinner but had a cash bar after. I think the total they made was £9k so I don’t apologise for not being able to afford that.

In other cultures it is entirely normal for guests to bring along food and/or drink to a get together, it is actually expected. My DF is Jewish and his family have huge get togethers for Hannukah and Passover, everyone brings their own dish.

I don’t see why guests shouldn’t bring something along, it is polite.

I agree with the OP very broadly - but I do agree that it varies hugely in different situations. And it probably also depends what the people you invite are like! We had a free bar at our wedding and provided vast quantities of wine. Everyone drank loads of wine and our bar bill was £150. It wouldn't occur to anyone we know to take the piss and order ridiculous quantities of extra alcohol just because we were paying for it. So we were happy to make the offer. That said,, a good friend of mine's DH has some friends who are a bit "rugby club" (sorry if that offends anyone, but you know what I mean) and so she wouldn't have dreamt of doing the same.....

If you see people often, it all "comes out in the wash"; I pay one time and someone else another. I cook and they bring a bottle of champagne. If you don't see people regularly or it's a more fluid group - or even a larger group - then I can see why people take a different approach. I think as long as it's clear upfront and no one is profiting at anyone else's expense, it's fine to "organise" rather than "host" (as LyingWitch put it so well).