If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

[Happysunshine1992]

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

I apologise profusely OP. I will never again hold a party at my home in which I allow my friends to bring something to drink, and I hereby retract my wedding reception at which there was a cash bar (do I need an annulment now?) because WE ARE NOT MILLIONAIRES.

In return can I expect recompense from all the parties, weddings, christenings etc which I have gladly taken a bottle to or bought my own drinks at the bar? I did it because my friends aren't rolling in spare cash either, but I suppose it's only right that I should now shun them.

Once again I apologise profusely for attempting to have a social life despite not having a spare few hundred quid in my monthly budget.

It does happen (see also people posting 'our household income is around £85,000 but we can't decide if we can afford to start a family. What do you think MN?' which translates as 'either I'm humblebragging or are a fucking idiot because that's significantly above the average income'. Then later in the thread it'll be all you see we'd want our child to go to X nursery and Y prep school and then there's factoring in all the travel we do and we love our city breaks but thankfully MIL is providing all our childcare Aka. Humblebragging)

It's fairly obvious that bring and share is a type of socialising. It's not some ghastly faux pas unless someone is trying to be a bit Hyacinth Bucket.

I agree too, if you host you fund. If you can't afford to do that then don't host or invite fewer people.

Rude to turn up without a bottle to a home event but even ruder to issue an invite that comes with a fee.

If l host a family get together for my massive lrish family the food alone costs me up to 600 euro. So others bring desserts and drinks. I provide some drink and the space and they even help with the clean up. Everyone is happy.

Softzilla?

Best wedding I attended was at mates house. We all brought food & booze
No free bar,it was a do in her garden. No strangled sense of etiquette and should do
Simply a great do,which everyone brought something to

My simple little view is this.... if you invite people over for dinner, BBQ or whatever, YOU pay for it and supply it all.

Invitees (well ours anyway!) will always bring a bottle or two, or a box of chocs or something like that and will offer to bring cake or dessert.

If you invite people you host and pay. Personally I would decline an invite that said guests must pay for their own food.

May as well meet in McDonalds so.

if you host,you fund.utter rot.its a social transaction and Friends don’t impose financial expectations on each other
And no one does not have to limit number of guests. Be clear it’s a BYOB event invite whom you want

I think our social lives would be vastly improved if we didn't leave all the work and costs to the hosts.

My simple little view is this.... if you invite people over for dinner, BBQ or whatever, YOU pay for it and supply it all
Well that's most of our social events gone (and our social circle is largely professional jobs and reasonable income).

Everyone is up front with what's being suggested. Nobody is a pearly clutching snob. We all have a great time.

I couldn't be arsed being friends with someone who felt a bring and share informal BBQ was below them.

I'd rather see my friends more and all contribute what we can. Your way sounds too formal and pretentious for me.

But luckily my friends are nice people so it's irrelevant :)

To an extent,yes. But not an open free for all Birthday do, no I’d expect guests bring something,everyone I know would

Oh I agree. When I said birthday party in that context I was thinking more of a formal "milestone" birthday party - e.g.for my mother's 50th birthday she hired out a hotel ballroom and had a formal sit down meal with friends/family which was paid for entirely by my parents - than a casual get together in honour of celebrating a birthday.

I also agree that even at fully "hosted" events there are limits. I am from a large Irish/Scottish family and we can all drink like fishes so none of us have enough money to pay the entire bar tab for everyone all night! So there is usually a compromise in that the host will pay for X amount of select beer/house wine/soft drinks and a glass of fizz if there are toasts/speeches etc but if anyone wants anything extra then there will be a cash bar available too.

I’ve never been to a party or wedding with a free bar. First drink for free and free food, yes, but a free bar? No.

"I couldn't be arsed being friends with someone who felt a bring and share informal BBQ was below them"

Thats not what I am saying.

All I meant was that if you are hosting you should provide and not expect others to top up a party in your name. Nothing wrong at all with people bringing a long a dish or bottle of wine.

This depends on the style of gathering. I think it perfectly fine to ask people to bring their preferred drink to a bbq get together however I wouldn’t dream of not fully catering a birthday party or anniversary celebration. I think if the event is simple a social gathering for the sake of it then ‘hosts’ need not supply anything more than the venue (although the form should be made completely clear from the outset ) but once an event becomes about an individual/s then guests should be catered for. The 50th birthday with order your own take out particularly shocked me.

Our social group is often bring and share. People with the larger house or garden repeatedly host but we all take food and drink. It’s very normal practice here. They provide a venue not everything else.

These threads always get two responses, one group saying it’s normal and one saying it’s disgraceful.

As with most things it often boils down to finances. If you can afford it you provide everything, if you can’t you don’t.

Maisy,

I think you may have gotten the wrong end of the stick there.

I am no snob or anything like that (thanks for the compliment BTW!) but honestly if you invite people over, you supply.

In your circle a bring and cook is great. But that is not the norm generally I think.

What do you bring? Do you have a list? What if everyone turns up with chicken wings or something?

The discussion is about invitations from Hosts. A host to me is someone who is hosting. Not expecting every guest to BYO!

But maybe you have it sorted amongst yourselves, which is great.

In general though, if inviting people to dinner/BBQ the host supplies. Any other donations are a bonus!

I think it depends on the type of gathering and the financial means of the guests.

There is of course a long tradition of community eating and potluck suppers where everyone contributes something to the meal

For me it’s not financial issue it’s about respect and regard.not expecting host to pick tab
We all genuinely don’t want one person to feel,the pressure of hosting and whole cost
Only obvious exception is formal set menu wedding you don’t turn up with food,byob. But I wouldn’t expect a free bar. It happens at some weddings I don’t expect it though.nor do I have any strong feelings ably cash bar,happy to pay.

If you cannot afford to host a gathering, don't do it.

I do understand the close friendship shared plate thing, which is fine, but not everyone will understand this as an invitee to many other events.

In general though, if inviting people to dinner/BBQ the host supplies
No,not amongst people I know. People bring something and a bottle
How do you know what to bring?when accepting invite say I’ll bring dessert,potato salad,wine,prosecco and yiure guided by host,who can say oor Willie is bring potato salad. So I’d bring something else

If you cannot afford to host a gathering, don't do it rubbish
Really you’re saying if you don’t pay for all food,drink don’t have a do?

Lipstick,

Everyone will usually bring a bottle or two, or dessert. I said it earlier in the thread.

The main event though should be supplied by the host. I get that in informal gatherings everyone could bring their own. That is not what I meant.

OK, say we have been invited to dinner at X house.

Host will provide dinner. Guests will not bring dinner ingredients, but will usually supply drink and maybe a cake or chocs etc.

Informal gatherings are fine. Each pitch in. But it must be a fkn nightmare to avoid twenty pots of potato salad! I suppose it is all organised in advance or something. But whatever works.

OP, you are living in the past. That's the way my parents' generation did things but now, everyone chips in or there's a cash bar (well, after the initial free drink).