If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

[Happysunshine1992]

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

Well we won't have to worry much very soon, because with Brexit the only things available will be tins of sardines, lentils and baked beans.

Provided you have stocked up already!

Keeping it lighthearted.

I don’t like it when you are asked to bring food- either the host should provide food or don’t host.
Oh, I don't know, me and my friends often have a " pot luck" evening.
Someone will say "everyone to my place on Friday" ( or whatever). It's great fun with a mixture of dishes to try and things you wouldn't necessarily make for yourself.
The company is more important than the food.

We host regularly and provide all food and copious booze.

Guests, however, always bring bottles and often flowers/chocolates.

If we're doing something big, like 20+ guests for a garden party, I will happily accept offers to bring a starter or a pudding.

We had this exact thread a couple of months ago. Different people and groups obviously have different social norms on this. I'm early 30s and me and my friends have always done BYOB (which is clearly not an uncommon thing, since it even has it's own acroynm!).

We've also done parties/bbqs where everyone brings a dish. For us the hosting is more about providing a nice space for us all to get together, I don't think any of us would want one of the others paying for everything.

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests

I'm 40. I have never heard of this expectation before MN. Never in my life met anyone who has said that one person should pay for a meal at a restaurant because they suggested it, or it's their birthday/anniversary/whatever.

I know it's very expected by some, but it can't ever have been a universal cultural expectation in the UK.

AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

Yes. Wildly. As many PPs have said, some people would never be able to afford to have meals out with friends.

Even when these threads come up know one can agree how you are supposed to know when someone is Inviting you and when you are just being invited.

Obviously it's fine for people to buy everyone a meal, but I just can't understand why anyone thinks it's rude if others don't do the same.

I'd assume it to be shared cost UNLESS the host/ess says "Would you like to come to the restaurant/footie/opera/theatre/ball AS OUR GUEST"

I've never hosted at a 'venue' but I often host the whole immediate family of 16 people over the xmas period because I've got the biggest house.

However, they all bring wine/food/xmas puds etc, and also donate
some cash because they know we're not made of money.
We also muck in with the cooking and clearing up.

So basically us poor peasants should never celebrate anything ever 🙄

If I was hosting a dinner party at home then I’d expect to pay for everything. If it was at a venue then I’d expect to pick up the tab for the meal and the wine and other drinks served with dinner, but the bar would be an open bar.

If I was going to a big barbecue I’d bring a contribution (a home made pudding or a jar of fancy olives (god, I sound so middle class!), a gift for the host (flowers, chocs, or nice booze) and a bottle or two for drinking).

In my head I think it’s appropriate to ‘pay your way’ so you reciprocate. It doesn’t matter if others don’t, and a good night out isn’t predicated on whether someone brings anything, but I wouldn’t dream of showing up empty handed.

That said, if my friend offers to bring her world famous pavlova for pudding, I wouldn’t turn it down in a million years!

Impromptu things, totally fine to bring your own food/drink, we've hosted quite a few impromptu BBQs this summer (thanks heatwave!), and we've had some basics but guests have all contributed food and drink.

Meals out - split the bill. Never been to a party with cash behind the bar, maybe a welcome drink but that's about it. I'd never expect not to pay for my drinks at a bar event.

If I am hosting a planned celebration with invites kinda thing at home, then I'll plan what we need and do a big shop before.

One of my friends had an engagement BBQ party at their house, with a invite that stated "bring you own meat and drinks". When we got there the only thing that they had provided was a bowl of salad, no other food and no drink at all! I did think that was a bit tight tbh, though they've told me they've already spent 30 grand on the wedding so far so maybe they were saving it all for that

You're lucky you can afford to.

Most people can't - does that mean they never get to celebrate?

I'm from a working class background where there was never much money going around, my mum was born into a one room end with no indoor toilet! People still got together to celebrate and everyone chipped in. Her wedding reception was in a tenement flat in glasgow, how the hell they got everyone in I don't know! (Catholic families LOADS of kids on both sides!). Gran had made up platters of sandwiches, sausage rolls and similar and made the wedding cake (she was a good baker inc decoration to be fair) but relatives and neighbours brought more platters of sandwiches, rolls and similar. People brought their own drink (called a carry out here) grandparents provided sparkling wine for toasts and some beers and soft drinks.

But what it did/does usually mean was people were closer, helped each other out.

If it were a small dinner party I'd provide all the food and drink but for anything bigger could never afford to.

Certainly not meals in a restaurant I can barely afford to cover dd and I!

Perfectly normal in my circle for people attending eg a BBQ to bring a food contribution and whatever they want to drink. Host provides bulk of meat, salad and bread and soft drinks/mixers.

My wedding we provided the food and drink for the toasts but it was a pay bar and nobody would have expected otherwise no way could we have afforded buying drinks for 150 people for an entire evening!

I must say thanks for the thread though as its bringing back happy memories of bbqs, potluck parties and much merriment with friends I rarely get to catch up with these days.

This one crops up a lot. I was brought up the same way as the OP by the sounds of it and it's not a humblebrag whatever that is?

Hosting - you pay
Organising - everybody pays for themselves and the organiser is possibly the 'venue' also.

Same sort of event. Everybody having fun.

What's the big deal? Just because you can't call yourself a 'host' if you're all splitting the bill, why does that even matter? There's no need to be defensive about it or do pouty-bottom-lip-faux-I'llStayAtHomeThen! thingie...

Although op I'm sure if you let your family & friends know your views you'll probably find its not such a problem for you any more as you'll probably get fewer invites.

Husband and I got invited to his best friends house for dinner then as a courtesy we asked if we should bring anything and they said bring your own meat? Not sure if this is how people do things these days but I always provide all the food and if they prefer alcohol (we don't drink at all) they usually bring their own. I would never dream of asking someone to bring their own food though definitely not how I grew up!

I know what OP means - it's not about money. I hosted plenty evenings as a student with with my student speciality vegetable curry, cheap daal etc and friends would bring round drink.

As a grown up, I now host a on a different level and I love it. I provide all the food, basic drinks. Sometimes guests want to bring something - like a pudding etc. Mainly, people bring drink. I like BBQ's are a little more 'pitch in' a dish maybe but I don't expect to be given a shopping list.

Shocked at the 50th where they had been invited then had to order, pay and collect their own takeaway and they didn't even get any cake. Very poor hosting. They should have let guest know this is what was happening son they had the chance to opt out.

I have a friend who is an excellent host but hates cooking. She orders everyone wants from the from the Indian and she has it delivered and pays. She usually serves ice cream afterwards. We bring drinks etc. She makes a great evening.

Husband and I got invited to his best friends house for dinner then as a courtesy we asked if we should bring anything and they said bring your own meat? Not sure if this is how people do things these days but I always provide all the food and if they prefer alcohol (we don't drink at all) they usually bring their own. I would never dream of asking someone to bring their own food though definitely not how I grew up!

Bring your own meat? How ridiculous is that. What’s next, bring your own toilet paper if you need to use the toilet?

When I host parties (usually around 40 people) I get asked by a number of friends what food they can contribute, sometimes I’ll accept the offer of a cheese board or a cake but usually I’ll sort the food out (chilli/curry/pulled pork rolls), I stock up on all types of alcohol and everyone brings booze. I always end up with more booze left than when I started. I’ll keep and finish the opened bottles and take the wine /fizz to get togethers with other people.

At a small celebration hosted by a particularly generous friend, another friend brought 3 mini wine bottles, drank one, quaffed lots of the hosts very nice wine and took her 2 unopened minis home when she left. Her husband usually brings 4 cans and they are often the last 2 leave, blind drunk. Money no object either.

I think it’s nice to be as generous as you can as both a host and a guest. At a time when I was in a tight spot, I brought the hostess 4 bunches of daffodils tied with raffia and she was delighted with them.

I agree, host pays. However, as a guest you should make a contribution, wine, flowers, pudding perhaps, and always return the invitation.

Not expected in my social group AT ALL. The host at bbqs provide most of the food - burgers, sausages, rolls, salad and soft drinks and guests bring their own alcohol plus any extra food they want. I have never been to a bbq where the host provided the alcohol - ever.

I have various groups of friends/family, some groups we pay our own way - meals are paid for separately, get togethers the host will make a list of what to bring and how much to spend per person (picnic on Saturday was £5 per person so £5 worth of crisps or sausage rolls or ingredients to make sandwiches and then what you wanted to drink)

Some groups we split the bill evenly, excluding alcohol if one or more of the party are not drinking. We host at home, cover all food and some nice wine or bubbles and the guests bring alcohol to share.

One group we host, we cover everything. Guests bring wine or chocolates or flowers —as gifts for the host—

Our groups all have differing budgets when it comes to entertaining, I would never expect my friends or family to spend more than they can afford.

All I can say is I’m glad you’re not my friend. Imagine if I hosted a BBQ and asked you, my guest to bring some drink because I can’t afford to buy booze for everyone? The horror.

Crack in OP with your circle of friends who clearly are very expectant and entitled. Let the real world do it’s thing.

How odd. I've lived in several countries and never heard of or expected 'host provides everything'.

We regularly host; dinners, lunches, BBQs. My DH is an excellent cook and we have great indoor and outdoor entertaining space which is why we 'host' and we would ensure we provide all food and had a back up of plenty of alcohol in case it goes into the wee small hours but I'm not bankrolling a day of drinking almost every weekend!

I've never had to ask but every time our guests pitch up with at least a bottle of wine for the table and frequently lovely food additions; A cheese they've recently discovered, some lovely sweet treats, chips and dips. Here in NZ and Australia even more so. I get literally text nagged to let them provide a salad, a starter, a dessert or they bring ingredients for a special cocktail they want to share. I think that's lovely and shows their involvement and desire to make it a great day and take some burden off us.

Birthdays is celebrating together and that's a split the bill situation

Weddings, whatever the couple can provide. They've always usually provided the usual 'half to a bottle' of wine per person but I've also bought a case of wine for a coupe who asked for no gifts but a 'contribution to the evening drinking'. Very happy to as well.

Otherwise by your rules OP some people would never be able to have a celebration!

I agree with that, longwayoff.

I don't know why some people are sensitive about hosting or organising; it makes no difference to the event itself, none whatsoever, but if you're going out to eat and everybody's paying for themselves then you're the organiser, not a host.

If somebody invites you to their home then they are hosting and bringing a gift for the host is protocol really as well as being a nice thing to do. It makes no difference if people are asked to bring a dish or drink.

If I go to restaurants, most events are pay-for-yourself or pay-by-couple or split-the-bill and it's great - everybody is relaxed and has no expectations of being paid for or half-paid for or anything really - everybody pays for their own stuff and if somebody wants to buy something for the group they just say so and do it. There is no host though, just an organiser.

Hosting has specific responsibilities and I think that some people misuse the term which leads to all kinds of angst. Not good.