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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

229 replies

Happysunshine1992 · 05/08/2018 23:10

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/08/2018 22:15

It’s only height of bad manners to you,that’s fine, but there’s no universal given

GinGarden · 07/08/2018 22:30

We socialise with the same 2 groups regularly, one of them we have the biggest kitchen, I enjoy cooking the most and we are the most central so all the parties end up here, everyone brings booze but as the children have grown older I am now feeding the equivalent of 7 adults and 1 child whereas the drinks contribution from the others hasn’t changed so i do feel a bit cheated, plus I have all the work!...preparation & clearing up. For big days ie New Year etc I do ask for a financial contribution, it means we can have a better night and I dont resent our friends!

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 07/08/2018 22:52

I’m from the UK, but live in Australia. It’s normal here if there is a party (even a dinner party) at someone’s house for people to offer to bring something as a contribution. Thinking back, if we had a party in the UK friends would always offer to bring a dish. So not unusual at all.

Teeniemiff · 07/08/2018 22:54

We have a big ish family
On my husbands side- 16 immediate (brothers, SILs, nephews), when they visit- often all together, we tend to pay for food for all of us (although that’s not necessarily hosting a formal event), if we have a party in a social club for example, 30th birthday etc, we would provide food but people buy own drinks at the bar.
If we go for a meal for our birthdays etc people pay for themselves & it’s the same if we go for someone else’s. Most of the people we socialise with- family & friends, couldn’t afford to pick up the tab for everyone & would put people off celebrating anything.
We went out for my brothers GF birthday not so long ago & my brother picked up the tab, was about £700. That would literally have meant for me I’d have no food for the rest of the month, or money for petrol (infact at that time of the month it would have probably declined 😂)

simiisme · 07/08/2018 22:58

Not humblebragging at all. Why would you do that on a anonymous forum?
Must be new to MN Grin Full of it on here, dear!

violets17 · 07/08/2018 23:03

What about the birthday celebration where someone invites a load of people to a restaurant for their birthday and then everyone pays their own share of the meal/drinks plus the hosts. I always thought that seemed like a stingy thing to do - you manage to get yourself a birthday party for free.

mommybunny · 07/08/2018 23:04

It’s an interesting one - I’ve seen it from both sides. I grew up in a very large Irish American family with loads of cousins. Christmas was easily 50 people, I’m not kidding! Whenever we all got together there was no way one person could be expected to cater everything, so the “host” usually provided the venue and the main course, as well as a decent selection of wine, beer and soft drinks. Starters, sides and desserts were always parcelled out among the aunts and female cousins (and yes, it was always the women!) without the slightest complaint. It was also expected that you would bring along some alcohol too.

Weddings, however, are a completely different matter. They are always, always with a full dinner and open bar. They cost thousands but there is no getting round it. Guests do not pay a penny towards their consumption BUT they are expected to “cover their plate” (i.e., pay their “per head” cost) with their wedding gift. It’s nuts, I agree, but no one would dare break the custom.

When I moved to the U.K. I married into a wealthier but much smaller family. It is seen as almost an insult to the host to ask what you can bring to a gathering - it implies they couldn’t handle it themselves. I remember my DH being embarrassed when we were invited to a party by our NDNs and I asked what I could bring. So I am now well used to catering for up to 12-14 for Christmas without batting an eyelid. That said, no one would dream of turning up at an invitation for a meal without bringing something, like a bottle of wine, but it is usually something that the host can enjoy later and is not expected to be opened or shared by the company.

Our wedding was a bit of a culture shock on both sides as we had it here but I insisted we have an open bar. There was no way in hell I was having relatives fly all the way over to the U.K. and make them pay for their own drinks. MIL was scandalised at the thought and convinced it would be abused but she wasn’t funding it so I got my way.

We do sometimes go to gatherings like bbqs of DH’s school friends and, as used as I am to bringing something, I do have to say I find the concept of bringing my own meat a bit Hmm.

Skywest · 07/08/2018 23:41

Absolutely this with bells on. We all do it our own way.

OlennasWimple · 07/08/2018 23:48

We had a real culture shock attending a BBQ in the US where everyone brought meat - but only what they wanted to eat!

So family A would bring burgers, which would be cooked and consumed by family A only. Family B would cook and enjoy their chicken legs, while family C would be tucking into their veggie skewers

V odd!

jade9390 · 08/08/2018 00:10

If you invite friends to your house for food obviously most people provide drinks but it is also polite for guests to bring something.

I have never been to an event with an open bar, unless corporate. Most people hiring clubs for weddings or other events only provide food and maybe some bubbly for a toast.
An open bar is buying friends, they will always turn up just or that

TigerTooth · 08/08/2018 02:12

In the past 6 months I've hosted two large family/friends parties - for my aunt and one for my mum, and two garden parties.
The first two were in a private hire restaurant and a couple of people offered to pay for their meals which I refused. The Garden parties were fairly big affairs - one for the footie and the other for DH's birthday.
It was only BBQ but big scale and we provided everything, because we can and it's a pleasure to do so, many people bought booze or desert.
However, I have a lot of friends who just couldn't afford to do that and this year I've been to a 50th birthday, a funeral and a wedding - all at which we had to buy our own drinks because otherwise the events couldn't have happened - which was fine, so long as you know in advance so you have the cash with you, so if you can't afford it don't go.
It's normal and fine and what are people who can't afford it supposed to do op? Never have a shindig because thy can't pay for it all? That's just silly.
Having said that you've made me think - I actually can't imagine ever hosting a party or event in a bar or restaurant without a paid bar, I just wouldn't do it, personally, If I couldn't afford to pay for the bar i'd do it at home or smaller scale - but I've been to loads where we do have to pay and its never struck me as odd or rude.

Londonerlove · 08/08/2018 07:53

When we go out for a meal we divide equally. If some haven’t drunk alcohol then they pay less.
If I’m hosting at home then it depends. If it’s a small number of people then I pick up the tab. If numbers are high then people do help with drinks, starters etc and I’ll do the main. The reason we do this is my friends realised how much it was costing us. We are the only couple who have our own home and each get together costs £1-200. We can’t afford that at all. So everyone chips in now.

jocarter67 · 08/08/2018 08:07

I actually like get togethers when people bring a dish of their own, we used to do this quite a bit a few years ago. Some brought sweet and some brought savoury.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/08/2018 08:09

Yanbu

And you know that people tend to bring a bit anyway

I agree In general

I recall a BBQ when I had to travel 2 hours and bring meat and booze !

BBTHREE76 · 08/08/2018 08:16

YANBU - each to their own but I provide enough food and drink to host. Friends sometimes bring some drink with them but it’s certainly not expected.

Viperama · 08/08/2018 08:17

Both OH and I were raised this way, if we throw a party we throw a party and pay for guests. I agree with you completely OP. I think it’s poor form. That’s not to say I look down on others if they don’t, but I would just have a few close friends if that was all I could afford. It’s aboit being my best self at all times, and that includes treating my loved ones at a gathering I have initiated.

Earthakitty · 08/08/2018 08:33

Asking people to bring food to a BBQ is rude. Alcohol - fine. It is polite and courteous to bring a bottle for the host. But if you're planning on getting mullered then bring your own alcohol.
If people are asking you round for food then it is only reasonable to assume they will be providing it.
However it's a nice gesture to bring a little something....say a pudding.
In an outside venue.....it's rare for anyone to be able to afford to buy people drinks all night. I went to a wedding where that happened but the bride's father was extraordinarily generous plus he could afford it.
Invite people out and maybe put a ton behind the bar do everyone can have the first drink free.
That's reasonable in my book.

OliviaStabler · 08/08/2018 08:33

I've never heard of bringing your own food when invited to a BBQ.

Me either but it clearly works for some of the people on this thread so fair dos. I always bring alcohol and I might bring some fresh fruit or a food I know the host likes depending on how well I know them but it wouldn't occur to me to bring meat and I've never been asked to either.

I guess it is all down to what you are used to and ensuring that everyone is aware beforehand. It's like that story on here about a couple who invited people round for a BBQ and they all turned up and the host hadn't bought any meat. They expected others to automatically bring food with them but no one did. Very short party apparently.

I don't like BYOB as the you have to put your drinks on the main table and all the good stuff gets taken so you end up with shitty drinks.

cleanerupper · 08/08/2018 09:02

Where I live, it's usually the host to buy the meat and a few side dishes for the bbq but then everyone else brings their own alcohol and nibbles/sides fur everyone to share.

If we all go out for "Bobs" birthday then we all split the bill. We want to see bob on his birthday, i would not expect him to pay for me.

If it was a wedding/christening then the meal or buffet would be paid for by the hosts. The bar would be open for a short time to allow everyone to have a drink then it would be down to the guests to pay for what they drink.

I think it's all a matter of where and how you live. We are all different.

mommybunny · 08/08/2018 09:27

I’d be interested to know Olenna where in the US your BBQ was that you were expected to bring and consume your own meat. I’m from New Jersey and I have never heard of such a custom there, but I have been to BBQs here (in Surrey) where it has been done. As I said upthread, I find the concept of bringing your own meat bizarre and kind of contrary to the principle of being a host. Asking guests to bring a dish to share with everyone, on the other hand, is completely different.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 08/08/2018 09:34

I love a bring and share. Get to taste everyone’s best dishes and cakes. All my friendship group do this. It’s very easy. We like to support each other

JuJu2017 · 08/08/2018 10:25

I agree ... to a point. My MIL comes over for tea once every week to see our dcs. At first, we paid for everything - food, dessert, a bottle of wine - but after never getting an invite back to her house and never seeing her outside of the set day, we decided to ask her to bring dessert. If they don’t bring dessert, we don’t have it. I still provide main meal and wine.

xotyl · 08/08/2018 13:24

I agree with the op to a point, it depends I think on where about you live and the collective cultural norm.

We first experienced the 'buy your own booze at a party thing' when we first moved to the East Midlands it's an area where house prices are quite low and a lot of people live in quite large houses. But you are rarely invited to a party or celebration at people's houses instead they tend to hold it at a local sports club, they provide a buffet you are expected to buy your own drinks.

I did find it a bit odd at first because invariably there would be the local drinkers at the bar and you would feel a tad overdressed. Also some of these 'clubs' are quite shabby. First time we hadn't any money on us, because we had been invited to celebrate a big anniversary it hadn't occurred to us we would be buying our own.

We have parties ourselves and hold them at home and would expect or ask anyone to bring anything. It's what you are comfortable with I suppose.

xotyl · 08/08/2018 13:29

Would not expect!

Iwanttobeanonymous · 08/08/2018 13:46

Relatives had a bash for a significant birthday. They had a room at a club - we expected that it would be a "pay" bar, and that's fair enough - though the bar was small and had a very limited range of drinks - especially of soft drinks for the drivers and kids.

They'd also decided that as people would have had their meal before going there was no need to provide any food - not even nibbles. If anyone wanted anything all that was available were crisps at the bar -until they ran out. No decorations in the room, no music, not even a CD playing in the background. We were left wondering how any of this could be called "hosting" a party!!