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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

229 replies

Happysunshine1992 · 05/08/2018 23:10

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

OP posts:
SimonBridges · 06/08/2018 09:19

I think it is a generational thing.
My parents host a lot and would never expect anyone to bring anything.

In my friendship group we have one couple who host a lot. They tend to have bbqs and will say that they have some meat in but come people bring a little extra. It is also an unwritten rule that you bring your own drink and drink your own. None of this buy a bottle a nasty cheap booze and drink the nice stuff everyone else has bought.

I think the understanding and formality of parties have changed. Gone are the days of the formal dinner parties.

I do recommend that everyone has a look at Fanny Cradock on BBC iPlayer archive to see how it used to be.

JustTheLemons · 06/08/2018 09:21

I agree to an extent.

Parties are a separate issue- BYOB is the accepted rule and I would never show up without something to drink. The host will usually put wine etc in anyway but I wouldn’t show without.

However, hosting a dinner party or evening in I think the host shoulders the cost. This becomes a ‘don’t offer to host if you can’t afford it’ scenario.

I have a friend who is very, very tight. She moved about an hours drive away and kept asking me and a mutual friend to come down for the weekend. We eventually did- before we left she texted us to ‘bring your own drink as we don’t have any.’ Ok, at least we were warned. She made us chicken fajitas for tea and scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast. Over breakfast, she asked us both for £4 each towards the cost of the food. I was utterly aghast. That is what I would call bad hosting.

MrsMint · 06/08/2018 09:21

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

Completely agree: it is normal to bring a bottle if you are invited to a party, but the idea of being asked to bring the food too! If I couldn't afford to provide food for my guests, then I wouldn't host the party. (The clue is in the word "host"!) Times definitely have changed...

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 09:24

I've never heard of bringing your own food when invited to a BBQ.

I think bringing a bottle is a nice gesture, but I wouldn't ask my guest to do so.

I would and do take drinks along with me when invited, because I appreciate the effort of the host.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 06/08/2018 09:24

It also depends on what life stage you are at. When younger and poorer, we were all a lot more careful to make sure that no one was financially screwed in our social circles. Nowadays, whilst that's still a consideration, there is more leeway and its more consideration for people's effort or frequency of using their home, rather than mathematics.

slashlover · 06/08/2018 09:25

OP - What if you lost your job and could therefore no longer afford to host for everyone? Would you never have anyone to socialise at your house because you couldn't afford it? Would you never go to someone else's house because you knew you couldn't reciprocate?

MrsMint · 06/08/2018 09:26

Gone are the days of the formal dinner parties.

Are you quite sure about that Simon!? I bet they still go on in certain postcodes...

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 09:27

@JustTheLemons
Over breakfast, she asked us both for £4 each towards the cost of the food. I was utterly aghast.

I wouldn't have her as a friend after that. It's ridiculous. Such mean people have no place in my life...I'd just be irritated by them. What a cheek.

slashlover · 06/08/2018 09:29

Also, how many posts around Christmas consist of 'I always host Christmas, spend £700 an my guests never put their hand in their pocket'. Only for OP to be told that their guests are CFs?

NataliaOsipova · 06/08/2018 09:29

I have just been reminded of an ex boyfriend I haven't thought of for years. He wasn't tight as you'd understand the term, but he was enormously money conscious. Especially with regard to others. So, for example - he'd take a couple of bottles of very expensive wine to a dinner party. But he'd then come home bitching about the wine he was given to drink (wanted his own to be opened and publicly admired) and the "quality" (i.e. if not expensive ingredients) food he'd been served. So on the face of it, he was a hugely generous host and guest. But there was a lot more going on behind it.....

He was pretty awful in many other ways too. Very lucky I found my now DH!

sar302 · 06/08/2018 09:30

At uni and in our twenties when we were all a bit skint, it was definitely a free for all - bring a dish, bring some booze and everything just got cooked and eaten!

Now, if we're hosting, hosts tend to provide food and a couple of "starter" bottles, and guests bring alcohol.

Bring and share would be a specific different thing. If I was hosting dinner and someone rocked up with a random dish, I'd feel a bit awkward! What if it didn't go with what I'd cooked?? 😱 Oh the problems in life...

PoesyCherish · 06/08/2018 09:32

YABU as I don't think it's as black and white as your OP suggests.

Generally speaking if I attend a bbq I'll always take something with me either food or drink. If somebody invites me over for dinner or I invite them, in my social circle whoever hosts typically covers everything.

I'm hosting a friend soon for a week and I wouldn't dream of asking her for a contribution, especially because I know she's quite low on funds. But if somebody hosted me for a week and I knew I could help out I would try to.

I really think it depends on the individual circumstances of everyone involved. As long as everyone knows in advance of what is expected, I can't really see the problem either way.

If we go out for a meal with people typically we will each pay for ourselves / our family unit unless some of the people attending are struggling financially and then we'd try and help them out, or if for example we wanted to treat somebody for their birthday then we'd pay for them.

I really don't think it's clear cut.

FrowningFlamingo · 06/08/2018 09:32

I usually provide everything but am considering changing this.
So few of our friends reciprocate - even just as hosts with us bringing our own food. I'm a bit fed up with always feeding them to be honest!

Hadjab · 06/08/2018 09:32

I agree in part. From a cultural perspective, we wouldn’t have entertained the idea of inviting people to our wedding and expecting them to pay for their drink. I co-host a dinner party with my sisters every Christmas for 20 girlfriends, over time we’ve ended up paying for meat/fish, and the girls will provide the bulk of the veg, snacks and drinks, they’ve never been asked, they wanted to. I would never turn up at one of their homes without something.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 09:32

It also depends on what life stage you are at.

Very true. Among younger people everyone pays for themselves when out for a meal because your usually all broke.

If people are having a bring and share it's very different to hosting IMO.

Gillian1980 · 06/08/2018 09:33

Honestly, in my social group we don’t use terminology such as “hosting” etc. We just arrange a meal out together, or say we’re having a party etc. Asaide from weddings I can’t recall the last time we had a formal invite to an event.

We always pay for our own when going for meals, and always assume that to be the case.

I’ve never had a formal dinner party, but if we have friends for dinner it’s very informal and I just cook a meal and the booze is a mix of what we buy and what they bring.

We’re very happy and it works for us. It makes not a blind bit of difference to me what others do or what terminology is used.

JustTheLemons · 06/08/2018 09:36

@SandyY2K took me another year of keeping her at arms length but we are not friends now!

You’ll also be glad to hear I did not pay the £4!

longwayoff · 06/08/2018 09:36

Oh no no no. Not asking guests for money. If you cant afford to have them, dont. Or give them tea and biscuits. Or tell them I'm absolutely broke do you mind buying x or y for dinner? But not ambushing them with a bill afterwards. I'd probably refuse to pay it as it would annoy me so muchI.

Holidayshopping · 06/08/2018 09:41

We have 6-7 sets of couple friends who we see (separately) on a pretty regular basis for either takeaways/bbq or meals out. If it’s a meal out, we pay half each, if it’s a takeaway-we pay half each. If it’s a bbq, we all bring food and drink. We alternate houses.

I wouldn’t ‘host at a bar or a club’ for a birthday-we don’t really do things like that.

scarbados · 06/08/2018 09:42

Does the OP also calculate the comparitive costs of each event she goes to so she can look down her nose at the not-so-well-off hosts who can afford to spend less?

When I play host, everyone brings something and I don't care if it's a multi-pack of crisps or a banquet-worthy dish for the whole group. It's been the same at most of my friends' parties too. Everyone spends what they can afford, no-one compares and it levels the playing field.

Themerrygoroundoflife · 06/08/2018 09:43

You must move in very different circles because bring and share or order and pay for your own meals at a restaurant is the vast vast vast majority of socialising amongst everyone I know.

jessebuni · 06/08/2018 09:43

This would depend. If I was throwing a party for a specific event then I would expect to provide food and drinks but I would suggest if there is any specific drink a person wants then they should bring some as I would provide soft drinks beers and wine.

For just a friends gathering then we all bring food/drink. Usually because not all of us have large enough homes/gardens to have 3veryone over at once so instead of half of us always being the ones to foot the bill for hosting we all just discuss in advance what food/drinks everyone should bring.

Luxembourgmama · 06/08/2018 09:47

Eugh I hate being asked to bring food but paying for drinks is fine if I know in advance

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 09:47

JustTheLemons

I'm not suprised you aren't friends her anymore. Who charged their friends for breakfast. Shocking behaviour.

thefraggleontherock · 06/08/2018 09:49

I think it depends on the event. So for my dads 60th I hosted a party and provided all food and most of the drink (some people brought drink but I didn't ask them to).

But then while this weather has been so nice we've had loads of bbqs with friends and all the kids, we've hosted but everyone has bought something for the bbq and their own drink.

I think either way is fine. If I'm going somewhere I always ask what the host would like me to bring and generally take flowers/ a small gift for the host.

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