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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Bank of Mum and Dad

155 replies

Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:01

I know I am being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling hurt by this.

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

My parents and my in laws are in roughly the same financial situation, both have professional careers and at a guess have a household income of £50k-£60k, both bought houses in the early 90s for about £45k, both got inheritances about 10 years ago of around £100k. The only difference is that my parents have never given me a penny for university, my wedding or house purchase, whereas DHs parents saved all his child benefits for him so he’s got a nice lump sum, they paid his uni fees and gave him an allowance so he’s got no student debt, they gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

I know that DHs parents are just really really generous but I can’t help but feel resentful that my parents spent a £100k inheritance on holidays and clothes but didn’t even put a small amount aside to help me with a house deposit or put a small amount in savings for their granddaughter.

OP posts:
IsMyUserNameRubbish · 29/05/2018 21:42

To be honest, I can understand the hurt, I'd give my children my last breath. What I meant by my post was there are generous parents like me and my husband that give our grown ups sons the shirts of our backs and last penny if they needed it, or you get parents like my husband, who wouldn't give you the steam off their... well you know. So everyone is different.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 29/05/2018 21:43

*paardnts like my husbands

crazycatgal · 29/05/2018 21:43

YABU, you were given a 50k house deposit by your DP's parents so how can you complain?

MrsDylanBlue · 29/05/2018 21:43

I can’t believe how much you had from your in laws.

How much more money do you want to be given?!

malificent7 · 29/05/2018 21:43

I felt hurt by this too op...I got told ' none can afford houses anymore.'
I wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't judged for not getting on the housing ladder all on my own.

' Well we never went out/ had luxuries/ blah blah blah...'
No but you could afford school fees and holidays abroad.

I think in Western society we are expected to make it on our own without parental help whereas with eastern societies everyone pitches in. That's why we farm off our elderly to care homes.

I don't like being lectured by my folks about saving for a deposit when they have inherited a large fortune and paid off the mortgage.

I feel like I've been punished tbh for being a single mum or not having a permanent job ( as my sector mostly runs on short term contracts.)

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 29/05/2018 21:43

*parents like my husbands.....sorry for typos

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 21:44

I can't believe you would say this about your parents OP. I think you should tell them how disappointed you are in them - and how they can whistle for any kind of care and compassion in their dotage - so that they don't make the mistake of leaving you any inheritance from them.

Sorry but you sound like a bit of a brat. You have been helped, you come as a package with your husband and his parents have given you both a LOT. Some people do not have that and don't hanker.

Your parents may have made provision for you in their wills. Better that they know how little you think of them now so they can release their home equity and use that up too.

jasjas1973 · 29/05/2018 21:45

Some parents are more generous than others and some people are frankly better parents than others

yeah of course!

But then again, some children are pretty terrible and don't deserve the parents they ve got, always demanding more.

Original poster
Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:46

I’m glad a few people don’t think I’m being unreasonable, I’d never expect them to give me anywhere near what my in laws have but a £100 in baby’s bank account or something towards my wedding dress would have been a nice gesture.

OP posts:
echt · 29/05/2018 21:50

OP, you say you were brought up on second hand stuff and no fancy holidays. Hasn't it occurred to you your parents were living that life too and now want to splash out?

Snog · 29/05/2018 21:51

OP I think you are getting a hard time from some people that is IMO unjustified.
Maybe you need to reassess your relationship with your parents and perhaps put some more distance between you.

Thorsday · 29/05/2018 21:52

I don't see how people are thinking that OP is asking for more. She's somewhat understandably a bit miffed that her parents didn't think of her future at all and instead thought of only themselves when they came into some money despite having at least one child?

I would be pissed as well. Sorry, but when you have kids surely they should come ahead of niceties? Put aside money for the kids first and then think about the rest.

I'll bet any money if somebody made a thread saying "AIBU to spend 100k on holidays instead of putting aside a bit for the kids" you'd go ahead and scream at them for being selfish.

TheBigFatMermaid · 29/05/2018 21:53

I got fuck all from my parents. Mum was a single parent on benefits in the 80's, so as skint as possible to be. Dad was a policeman more wrapped up in his 'new family' than us, so did not care. My DPs parents don't have anything to give either, so consider yourself lucky that you have one set of parents willing and able to help!

I don't think I have seen a more grabby post on here for a long time, if ever!

Whatshallidonowpeople · 29/05/2018 21:55

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Whatshallidonowpeople · 29/05/2018 21:55

Ahahhahahahahaahahahahahahaha

MargaretCavendish · 29/05/2018 21:55

They might leave all their money to their grandchildren, you don't know they haven't put provision in place.

They might well have the attitude of 'you'll get it when I'm gone' - lots of people do. Personally I can't see why anyone would do this rather than give the money when it's most useful if they can afford to (and I also think these people are normally massively overestimating the likelihood that they'll have this money to bequeath rather than it going on care fees), but it is their money so if that's their attitude that's their right.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 29/05/2018 21:56

Stop please hahahahahahahahahahah

Entitled and grabby much?

Original poster
Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:56

@echt that’s because they were spending the money that most people would spend on a holiday on their own hobbies and things for themselves.

OP posts:
echt · 29/05/2018 21:56

Drip feed much?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 21:58

Three posts of 'ha ha ha', What? Not necessary, is it.

I don't agree with the OP but I'm not going to heckle her.

Cherrysherbet · 29/05/2018 21:59

I've actually changed my mind whilst reading your thread op. My initial reaction was 'it's their money, they can spend it how they choose', but I now look at it in a different way. I can't imagine having such a windfall, and not helping my children out. It really does seem incredibly selfish. I think this has little to do with the money, and more about how hurt you feel by this. I totally understand.

FreeMantle · 29/05/2018 22:01

My parents are incredibly generous but really don't have much money. I am so proud of their kindness, sticking up cupboards when we visit, buying the children gifts, remembering birthdays without fail, giving their time etc.
I can't think of anything worse than taking money of them to fund my adult life. I hope they spend every penny of themselves whilst they can.

malificent7 · 29/05/2018 22:02

I just couldn't live the life of Riley whilst my dd struggled...even if she did make bad life decisions...if I ever had the money to buy her a house I would.

HolyShmoly · 29/05/2018 22:04

No, they’re pretty self centred, in the weeks before my wedding all my mum did was talk about her own outfit, she came to the hairdressers on the morning of the wedding and left me to pay for her blow-dry.

This would piss me off way more than the money. Lack of emotional support is much worse, in my opinion.
Second hand everything, holidays spent at grandparents, a treat was sharing a chip shop dinner, etc. was the normal growing up, however we never felt lacking. Perhaps it's because we didn't know different, or just because we had the best of everything else, the bits that actually matter. (apart from the expectation that we'd do more with our lives than finish school, get married and have babies. My parents were pretty good at making sure we didn't aim too high, even a university education was shooting for the stars.)

bastardkitty · 29/05/2018 22:05

You've had nearly 60k given to you on a plate and you're moaning because you want more? YABVVVU < way to miss the point there!

I understand how you feel OP. I would always help my children. Never had help myself. Ex currently spunking his inheritance whilst keeping all the details a secret from DCs. Hasn't given them a bean. Some people are greedy and selfish.

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