AIBU Bank of Mum and Dad

[Gingerbreadwoman82]

I know I am being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling hurt by this.

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

My parents and my in laws are in roughly the same financial situation, both have professional careers and at a guess have a household income of £50k-£60k, both bought houses in the early 90s for about £45k, both got inheritances about 10 years ago of around £100k. The only difference is that my parents have never given me a penny for university, my wedding or house purchase, whereas DHs parents saved all his child benefits for him so he’s got a nice lump sum, they paid his uni fees and gave him an allowance so he’s got no student debt, they gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

I know that DHs parents are just really really generous but I can’t help but feel resentful that my parents spent a £100k inheritance on holidays and clothes but didn’t even put a small amount aside to help me with a house deposit or put a small amount in savings for their granddaughter.

Honestly, if they only have a £50-60K combined income now, they probably had it fairly hard raising their family - hence no theme parks, no paying for uni fees or paying for weddings. They inherited just £100k and didn't give any of it to you. How much of the £60k+ that you were gifted did you give to your parents? And how much of it did you give to your DC? Or did you greedily, selfishly keep it all to yourself? (I don't think it is greedy or selfish personally, but you seem to think that money that your parents got from family should be shared, so surely you must think that money you get from family must also be shared?)

They've raised you on a fairly low income, they now have a small amount of money - let them spend it on themselves and their future.

I certainly hope to be in a position to give my DC uni fees /house deposits/wedding contributions, but we're in a much better position than your parents sound.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It isn't normal to give away that much money. I suspect the data you are referring to only includes those parents who gave something towards a house. Many wouldn't give anything at all. You cannot equate giving or not giving money with loving behaviour. It would be different if you were really struggling to manage and they still didn't help but it doesn't sound like that is the case. You've been very lucky with the gift from your parents. In fact I would feel very awkward taking that much. My parents gave me 5K at some point (a few years ago now) to spend on a wedding or not as I wished. Yes they could have given more but why should they?

I’m in a similar situation, although I’m not at all bothered.
My parents are middle class and even though my mum owns her own house, I’ve never had any money off of either of them except birthday and Xmas. I know when and if my mum di3s the house will be left to me, my brother and my sister. My dad on the hand has nothing, he rents and has 3 younger children who now get all of his earnings which is fine I had my time and now have my own kids. He recently gave my brother £5000 to get a new car when he retired and I was given nothing which I didn’t really care, my mum was a pissed off he gave me nothing but I don’t really care. My DP father on the other hand is a retired police officer and has a hefty pension which he saves left right and centre for all 5 of his grandchildren, they have around 5k each for when they turn 18. And he’s still saving. Just say my DP will have a big inheritance. His father has lent him and his brother money on many occasions before we were together.
People have a right to how they spend their money, I don’t even ridicule my DP how he spends his, he earns it he can do as he pleases.

Gingerbread, I didn't think you weren't a good person, just a bit unrealistic. I think perhaps they've seen that your ILs have provided for you all and perhaps they've taken the view that you're ok so not done anything for you financially?

Do they not do anything for your daughter at birthdays and Christmas?

You and your husband are a unit now, neither of you are dependent on your parents and both of you have benefited from one set. It would have been the same if you'd been given money from your parents too, yes?

Try to put this out of your mind because it will drive you crazy if you let it. Inheritances and the lack of them seems to cause so much angst and it's really not worth it. Make provision for your daughter so that she has a good base financially - and she can do the same for her children. Nevermind which parents contributed to your life - the contribution was there and it helped. Try to focus on that and think of it as the step up you and your husband needed - and got.

Don't be jealous. His parents are also your de facto parents if you like to see them that way. :)

YABVU

At least your in-laws have helped you massively, be grateful for that.

We’ve had no help from either side.

I hope one day I can help DC out however I can, financially would be a bonus.

DH never got anything from his parents financially as he always ‘coped’. His DB who earned much more than DH but couldn’t manage his money if he tried had thousands out of them for mortgage payments, vehicles, food.
He complained when they died there wasn’t more for him to inherit.

I think DH will always be pissed off PIL never slipped him a few hundred to balance it out a bit. Just even to acknowledge he had never asked for help.

I don’t think it has be a lot of money but a token goes a long way.

As a grandparent I cannot imagine having loads of money and not helping DC or DGC.

I'll hopefully be well into my 60s when I inherit from DM but as we have got ds through a BA and an MA without any loans, and he has a good sum there already for a house deposit from an inheritance from Dh's Dad I think we have done our bit.

Neither db nor I got anything when our Dad died, and a couple of thousand from our paternal Grandmother. Dh had an inheritance of about £10k, which he used for the deposit on his ( and then our) first house.

Mum couldn't afford to help us, and we wouldn't have taken it anyway; any help from Dh's folks came with strings, so not interested in that.

You have to stand on your own two feet OP. Some people might want the security of knowing they have the cash there until they die, others aren't so worried.

YANBU. They are behaving in an unbelievably selfish manner. Most parents want to help their children have better lives than them, I guess some people don't believe in spreading the wealth.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe They get her a toy for birthday and Christmas but I only get a card and DH doesn’t even get that.

I wouldn’t exactly describe them as low income, but I will say that my experience has shaped how I will look after my daughter, I save what I can and I will always make sure she feels valued.

Sounds to me like the money is a representation of their overall lack of care for you as a close family. The fact that your DP's folks have helped so very kindly just brings your experience into relief and more obvious for others to notice maybe. I get it.

My mother is very wealthy since my dad died (6 years ago). She’s now re-married and spending my dad’s wealth at a vast rate: new houses, 7 wk holidays at least 2x per year, extensions, multiple cars. Nothing I can do about it and wouldn’t dream of mentioning it but I know my father would be spinning hoops in his grave at the amount of cash she’s going through.

I’m her only child and I’ve received £30 in a card at Xmas since I turned 15 (she’s always been in charge of ‘presents’). No babysitting, sees grandchildren once a year max. That’s it. I’m not pissed about it until I think what my dad would feel about it all!

OP, I’d feel a bit grateful if I were you!!

In my opinion YANBU or grabby. Your parent's behaviour does sound self-centred and hurtful. I'm pretty sure I would be upset if I was you. You don't want a fortune from them, just a token; some proof that they have some consideration for your prospects and welfare, and want to contribute. I feel ya OP.

@LauderSyme thank you.

@bettybaggins yes, it’s not about being grabby or wanting more money, it’s about them caring if I have a roof over my head or that I didn’t have to spend so much time working I didn’t have time to study.

YANBU. I think they sound selfish and I cannot imagine getting a windfall or inheritance and not helping my DDs out. We are comfortable financially and have also benefitted from gifts from my DM who substantially helped me and my siblings since my DFs death 25 years ago and she received a large payout. We also gifted money to our DDs for University, weddings, holidays, childcare and house deposits and money towards things for our DGDs. We get pleasure from helping them out and I remember how we struggled with just covering bills when we were their age.

My DF when he was alive though was generous with gifts but did not gift money as he thought we should stand on our own feet. My DM was most upset when we moved 250 miles away from them to a more affordable area and says she wished they had started gifting earlier and helped us with the cost of buying a house as we may not have moved away then.

Some families though just spend everything they earn so maybe your parents are just no good with money.

The general expectation on this thread that parents give large sums of money in their lifetime to their adult children I find surprising. It's one thing if children are genuinely struggling for food or housing but that surely can't be the case here if the OP has already received £60k from her in laws.

My parents have not handed out sums of cash and I would neither want not expect them to. But then I also know as children we have always been their absolute priority, they supported us financially (even if there were few fancy holidays and such) and I now think it's their turn to relax and have nice holidays and the rest.

If it's really less about the money than what it seems to represent to you in terms of where you sit in your parents affections that is a different thing. But I suspect just giving you money wouldn't resolve that.

It's really sad that your parents have this attitude, particularly as you are their only child. I have an only child and have gifted a similarly large deposit for their house and paid for their wedding. Because I can, because I see the benefits it gives them to have a secure home rather than having to be in the wild-west virtually unregulated rental market. Savings are depreciating at present, as it is virtually impossible to get interest rates above inflation. So I look on it as an amazing investment in their future. Presumably your in-laws have the same belief, and have been so generous to you. I can understand that you feel sad about the imbalance between the two sets of parents, but you cannot control other people's varying attitude to money. Some people are all about visible displays of wealth (often with very little to back it up), whereas others are all about getting the basics right - be thankful that your in-laws are the latter and you have benefitted from that.

I get it op - the money is a symbol of how little they think of you. My parents are the same- always prioritised themselves, although they've turned out to be good GPs to DS.

Everything we have, we did ourselves, but there is a big difference with DHs parents who would literally give their last penny if it would help their children. Not that they have much, but they've always been keen to help out, and not just monetary things either.

I agree with earlier posters about this working both ways. While I won't abandon my parents if they need me, I'll do the bare minimum (that's what they did with me) and expect gratitude

I'll also expect my DB to step up as he got so much more from them, in every way, than I did, and he can certainly repay that in time/energy etc.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It’s not like you’re expecting or demanding anything from your parents, but I can completely understand why you feel that way about their lack of financial support to you. It hurts to not be prioritised and supported by the people that are meant to be there for you.

My parents were much the same. I have had job since my first paper round at 11 years old and worked 20 hours a week during my A Level years and all through Uni to support myself. They never gave me anything and as a result I’m incredibly self-motivated and resilient. I have no expectations of them but that doesn’t mean I’m not often hurt by their choices and lack of support, and not just financially. My parents are not well-off, but so much of that is down to their poor decision making and choices. My mum never worked and my dad spent all his spare money on having an affair for more than ten years before finally leaving. Ironically they both got given a lot by their own parents - regular handouts and inheritance - whereas my siblings and I get nothing! They are both selfish and thoughtless people. I know that and I can deal with it, and I still love them. My DH finds it incredible that I don’t feel more angry with them, but life is too short. I just recognize them as flawed individuals and chose to love them regardless, and hope to learn from their mistakes. They do love me too. DH’s parents weren’t dissimilar to mine in terms of income but made all their decisions based on what was best for their kids. They’ve helped us out and supported us so much. Not large amounts by any means but just by being there every time we need them. That’s how I hope we will be for own DD.

Whilst your parents attitudes and behaviour are hurtful and rubbish, all you can do is control your response to it. I’d suggest seeking counseling or trying to focus on all the things you do have, and leave the feelings of resentment behind. Otherwise it’s you that will suffer.

I think none of this would rankle so much if only our parents generation realised that it is much tougher now to get a permanent job, Dave and get on the ladder.

With my dad its a power thing... When I got a small inheritance he immediately got involved and invested my cash for me and tried to tell me what to spend it on....he was jealous tbh.
He's much happier now I'm skint and he can dish out a bit here and there for dad. I'm very grateful for this help but it does hurt that his attitude is that none can afford to buy whilst other parents help their kids get on the ladder.
For someone who's supposed to be good with money, his lack of investment opportunity is strange. He even advised me to buy an expensive car with my cash. I didn't. He got in a real panic that I had cash from someone else.

Save...not Dave!

For dd...typos!!!!

These threads disgust me.

Why on earth do you expect your parents to fund your life? Do you not have any pride in yourself?

Work, save and pay for yourself.

Jesus. And all that complaining after getting as massive amount from your in laws.

And people complaining about their parents not paying school fees etc - maybe don't have kids if you can't afford them?

And on a £50-60k household income, your parents are hardly rolling in it - and will be planning and saving for their own retirement.

Don't worry, when they're dead and buried you'll get it all then and you can stop your entitled moaning.

I think it’s unusual not to contribute towards your wedding. Was there a discussion about it?