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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Bank of Mum and Dad

155 replies

Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:01

I know I am being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling hurt by this.

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

My parents and my in laws are in roughly the same financial situation, both have professional careers and at a guess have a household income of £50k-£60k, both bought houses in the early 90s for about £45k, both got inheritances about 10 years ago of around £100k. The only difference is that my parents have never given me a penny for university, my wedding or house purchase, whereas DHs parents saved all his child benefits for him so he’s got a nice lump sum, they paid his uni fees and gave him an allowance so he’s got no student debt, they gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

I know that DHs parents are just really really generous but I can’t help but feel resentful that my parents spent a £100k inheritance on holidays and clothes but didn’t even put a small amount aside to help me with a house deposit or put a small amount in savings for their granddaughter.

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 29/05/2018 21:21

I can understand OP. I could not use lots of money without thinking of my DC. However, It may have been needed for their retirement etc. £100000 for retirement does not buy you that much as an annuity but it may have covered the shortfall between state pension and their outgoings. I like to think I would always place helping DC over excess spending ( except for health).

yoyo1234 · 29/05/2018 21:23

Also the help had been for things to really improve your quality of life. I would find it really hard to treat myself until DC are set up.

Petalflowers · 29/05/2018 21:23

How do,you know they are not leaving you money? Maybe they plan to leave your dc and yourself money in their will.

mrsb06 · 29/05/2018 21:24

It blows my mind a bit that you've been given £59k+ and you still want more.

I understand what you are saying, but your parents can do what they like with their money. Maybe they've agreed as a couple to enjoy it whilst they can and to pass anything else down to you/siblings/grandchildren after they've passed away?

You aren't entitled to anything and I think you're being massively unreasonable given your already very fortunate circumstances.

ForalltheSaints · 29/05/2018 21:24

The Bank of Mum and Dad have had to help too many people get on the housing ladder, as the housing policy of the last 40 years has failed this country. Not enough houses whilst we have out of town stores and empty town centre shops.

pinkyredrose · 29/05/2018 21:24

Money doesn't equal love.

Eastcoastmost · 29/05/2018 21:24

Also - I was v v clever at school but wasn’t encouraged. PIL really helped DH with uni applications and so on, encouraged further education. I was on my own. I got the chance to do an MA and DM wouldn’t even lend me the money for the fees (£3K 15 years ago). She certainly had it as she’d just inherited loads from the sale of late DGP’s home. There is no way on this earth I’d see my bright child miss out on a degree! (Ultimately I got a scholarship so it all turned out ok.)

Snog · 29/05/2018 21:26

I think it's pretty disappointing that your parents haven't helped you when they seem to have been in a position where they could have helped.

Some parents are more generous than others and some people are frankly better parents than others.

I would be disappointed in them if I were you OP. Are they self centred in other ways too? Do they support you in non-financial ways?

HolyShmoly · 29/05/2018 21:26

DHs parents [...] gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

That is so wonderful, I would be very appreciative that PIL's are so generous. Your parents are different people and you shouldn't expect anything off either set.
It's only when we were saving a deposit and spoke to others that we realised that lots of other people get help from their parents to buy a house, it was never a consideration for either of us. It sometimes feels unfair but that's life. No point spitting your dummy out about it.

Stroller15 · 29/05/2018 21:27

I don't think it's necessarily an indication of how much your PILs love your DH or lack of love then from your own? Maybe just different attitudes to money or life lessons or something like that?

I haven't received anything from my parents either and just watched them re-do their house for the 3rd time. Their money, their decision. I can only try and make things a bit easier for my own DS as it will probably only be more difficult in 20yrs time. Love them anyway and be thankful for your PILs generosity.

ButchyRestingFace · 29/05/2018 21:27

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

You got more than triple that from the ILs. What's the problem?

Eastcoastmost · 29/05/2018 21:29

Just saw your latest comment. Agreed, it’s the embarrassment factor and realizing how generous other families can be. We were always made to feel grateful for really quite crap presents at Xmas and so on. Pls don’t think I’m being entitled here but I remember there being a huge hooha about the watch I would get for my 21st birthday and it being special and so on. It came from Argos 😪 They are more than aware of the price of things, I just don’t get such meanness!

SlothMama · 29/05/2018 21:29

YABVVVVVU It's their money not yours to dictate how they spend it!

mrsb06 · 29/05/2018 21:30

it’s obvious how much his parents love him

...because of all the money they gave him? Hmm

Some parents are more generous than others and some people are frankly better parents than others

So you're saying that the OPs in laws are 'better parents' because they gave them more money?

Original poster
Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:30

Are they self centred in other ways too? Do they support you in non-financial ways?

No, they’re pretty self centred, in the weeks before my wedding all my mum did was talk about her own outfit, she came to the hairdressers on the morning of the wedding and left me to pay for her blow-dry.

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 29/05/2018 21:33

"It is their money, they don't have to help you, but my every instinct is to help my children. I find it strange my parents didn't want to help. I want to help my DC."

^^This! I dont understand it, It makes me happy spending money on my kids.

Your inlaws sound amazing!

Onlyoldontheoutside · 29/05/2018 21:34

You had second hand stuff,never went to a theme park or had a holiday.Neither did your parents until they had their inheritance.Maybe they paid off their mortgage,debt and a life without money worries or penny pinching that they went through bringing children up!
You she parents sound better off in that they could hand overore money than your parents earn in a year.
Love and support matter more than material things in the long run,if your parents are offering you that then you are lucky.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 29/05/2018 21:35

You're surely taking the piss. I can't abide people who moan about the most trivial things when there are thousands of parents out there who don't know were their children's next meal is coming from! Why should your parents help you, you're old enough to sort yourself out, grow up, so long as you and yours are healthy, it's not all about the money oh and yes, YABU, my parents offered me their money to help me and my husband buy our first home 35 years ago, we politely declined, worked hard and now we own outright a four bedroomed detached house worth close to 1 million.

TitsalinaBumsquat · 29/05/2018 21:36

I actually think YANBU and have every right to feel disappointed. I certainly would be. If I came into a significant amount of money I would certainly treat my children (assuming they were not as well off as me) or put money away for my grandchild. The same as I would treat my parents if I came into money now. Luckily it doesn’t sound like you need any money from your parents but I still understand you being disappointed that they haven’t wanted to treat you/your daughter in the same way as your in laws. Of course it’s true that it’s their money but you are their daughter so I think that’s irrelevant really. Who wouldn’t want to help out their family if they could?

Thesearepearls · 29/05/2018 21:37

I do understand this and I don't think the OP is being unreasonable

The OP isn't being grabby for herself, she's just feeling a bit embarrassed that her parents haven't contributed anything when her DP's parents have given a significant amount of money and both sets of parents are in a similar financial situation.

Giving money to children is very complicated though. You feel you have to give equally. But your children might not be equally hard working or thrifty. They might not be married to people who are equally hardworking or thrifty. It's a minefield really.

Turkkadin · 29/05/2018 21:37

OP life is made up of good luck and bad luck. You got unlucky with your parents and you got lucky with your in-laws.

Jux · 29/05/2018 21:39

YABVU. Your family operates in a different way. With averages, there will always be some below and some others above, that's how it works. No point in comparing individual cases with the average, numbers don't work like that.

Far worse if your parents had given your brothers house deposits but not you as "your husband can do that", even if you don't have a husband. Honestly, that was my dad!

dailymailsucksbigtime · 29/05/2018 21:39

They might leave all their money to their grandchildren, you don't know they haven't put provision in place.

bawbles · 29/05/2018 21:40

I've got friends who are in debt that they say they 'will never get out of' but still save child benefit for dc every month and spend money on days out/luxury clothes etc for dc.

While I admire the sentiment I can't help but feel it sets a poor example by living beyond their means to provide their dc with this. I understand they want their dc to have stuff they can't, a better life etc but it just doesn't sit right for them to struggle to provide non essentials and sets a poor example.

My parents are well off but not rich. My perception of well off is mortgage paid, no debts, a good nest egg in the bank and money to book holidays/buy a new car whenever they want. They have professional jobs but not high powered/high paid. My parents have never given me or siblings cash apart from the standard £150 at Christmas and if ever I needed a loan they probably would help if it was for an essential (roof blown off would qualify, upgrading car wouldn't) but would expect it fully repaid..

They currently go on six holidays a year and live in an amazing house that's far too big for them and I'm absolutely chuffed that they are enjoying their money and have zero expectation that they'd give handouts despite having the means to do so.

I think them setting me a good example by being sensible with their money, being there for me(as in good parents and excellent GPs) is the best thing they could have ever done.

My dad encouraged us all to get a decent education, drilled in a strong work ethic, challenged us when he thought we were slacking (sometimes this is annoying but often he has a point) and has always been there with practical help and advice,

I hope they spend everything they have earned on themselves but realistically I know we will one day inherit a lot from them as thats how they are.

I wouldn't dream of feeling put out that they weren't giving me chunks of their hard earned cash.

Amanduh · 29/05/2018 21:40

Yabu. I don’t know anyone who’s parents gave them money for a house unless they’d died. Your inlaws gave you 50k for a house deposit so it’s not like you’ve missed out so why do you care? I’d never expect my parents to work their lives then sit at home twiddlig their thumbs whilst giving us their savings so I could get married