AIBU Bank of Mum and Dad

[Gingerbreadwoman82]

I know I am being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling hurt by this.

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

My parents and my in laws are in roughly the same financial situation, both have professional careers and at a guess have a household income of £50k-£60k, both bought houses in the early 90s for about £45k, both got inheritances about 10 years ago of around £100k. The only difference is that my parents have never given me a penny for university, my wedding or house purchase, whereas DHs parents saved all his child benefits for him so he’s got a nice lump sum, they paid his uni fees and gave him an allowance so he’s got no student debt, they gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

I know that DHs parents are just really really generous but I can’t help but feel resentful that my parents spent a £100k inheritance on holidays and clothes but didn’t even put a small amount aside to help me with a house deposit or put a small amount in savings for their granddaughter.

it’s not about being grabby or wanting more money, it’s about them caring if I have a roof over my head or that I didn’t have to spend so much time working I didn’t have time to study

But you express this in terms of money they should have given to you or your children.

You appear to equate money with love and no, I don't think your parents do/don't love you, but you do, which is the point. If the allocation of money is key then you need to talk to them about it, and how you feel, or just suck it up and be grateful for the money you've had from the PILs, whose money may or may not indicate love.

Don't worry, when they're dead and buried you'll get it all then and you can stop your entitled moaning

Maybe they should leave it to the dogs home.

Always found it bizarre when people live with the expectation that they are going to get some windfall or inheritance from their parents.

OP your attitude is starting to me feel queasy.

Its not about money...its about wanting those you love to be secure....its about sharing and showing support...its about not watching your family struggle...because you had to.

its about wanting those you love to be secure......its about not watching your family struggle...

But maybe Ops parents are saving their windfall to be secure and not struggling in their retirement – to pay for a decent care home if either should need one (and let’s face it, with people living much longer, that is quite likely). 100k doesn’t go very far when care homes cost 1K per week!

Yes, I agree not paying towards the wedding of their only child is bizarre, but I don’t understand Ops entitlement for a lump sum. If she got say 50k, would she then pay their care home fees when older, when they ran out of cash within a year (I am guessing she wouldn't).

We are in our 50s and had no financial support from either set of parents, nor have we expected it. We are not local to GPs, so very little general support, apart from the odd weekend babysitting once a year or so. We paid nursery fees as well as housing costs out of our own earnings.

My parents are no longer with us, they did contribute to uni and wedding and lent me money for first car but nothing else. They weren’t well off but not poor either.

PIL are much better off, long retired but with final salary pensions, they have never offered us money, but then we don’t expect it from them either. They live a comfortable life and if there is money left when they die, DH will no doubt inherit at that point. I am sure that they too are wondering how much they will need if care is required. Why should they give us anything in the meantime – their money, their choice what to do with it.

We are in a position where we will be able to help our kids, and will do so as much as possible, however we will also ensure that we can have a comfortable retirement (we don't have fantastic pensions) and can pay for care if needed.

Op – I think you are being v v unreasonable and very entitled. I realise that articles such as the one quoted make it seem like all kids are getting money from bank of M&D, but I don’t think that’s true and it certainly shouldn’t be expected. I hope my young adult DCs are not as entitled as Op in coming years. DS is already showing a better attitude, telling us he didn’t need an increase in his uni allowance, we "should keep our money for ourselves”.

DS is already showing a better attitude, telling us he didn’t need an increase in his uni allowance, we "should keep our money for ourselves”.

That's how I've always felt too - I've turned down lots of offers of financial help from them because I've not wanted to take unless I absolutely had to. BUT that's in part because I know they'd give me the shirts off their backs if I needed them, and would always prioritise me and my brother above everything else. I understand how it feels very different to OP because she doesn't have that security that they'd give if they could/needed to - she feels like they don't put her first, and I think it's ok to feel sad about that.

Your in laws sound very generous op and I agree I completely see that you are sad your equally well off parents havnt helped you.

Me and dh were council house kids so no help there.

We have 6 adult kids and are fairly well off but probably not rich enough to give them all deposits but help out in any other way we can. Including offering them to stop at ours rent free to help save for deposits.

I can’t really understand being comfy off and watching your kids struggle and In the ops case not to be embaressed by the disparity between the inoaws help and her parents

It’s all very well saying work hard and stand on your own two feet, but it’s very difficult to get on the property ladder now compared to 30 years ago, especially where we live where 2nd homes push up the prices for everyone else. I’ve worked since I was 15, I’ve got a degree - but so has everyone else!

But you are on the property ladder, aren't you? Your PIL gave you both the deposit for a house?

I think you're being very unreasonable now and, if you don't let this go, you're going to be eaten up inside and become a more bitter person as time passes. I'd be pretty pissed off if I were your husband too, listening to you going on and on when you've HAD money, shared in his money.

It's time for YOU both now to make provisions for your daughter and stop keeping an eye on what everybody else has/doesn't have. Some have far less than you, some will have about the same - and some will have more. Nobody's keeping score.

If your relationship with your parents is lacking and that bothers you then go and visit them and talk to them. I implore you not to mention money at any stage of that visit though. Really don't.

Eh? I thought you said you have a house because you were given 50k, yes given 50k! Give over OP. You might have had to work through Uni, so did my children, so do lots of people, but they aren't eaten up with resentment because they think they haven't been given enough free money. I too have worked since I was 15 but got not a penny from either of my parents. My mum lived in a Council house and left nothing. But I'm not bothered because I didn't expect my parents to pay for me once I left home.

I totally get it OP - my parents always said "don't expect anything, we had to work hard for what we have and we're going to spend it on ourselves."
Totally reasonable, no arguments there.
They then got a totally unexpected 85k inheritance and....spent that on themselves as well, holiday home, redecorating the house, new sofas etc etc...

My mum was slightly put out when I asked her to stop telling me all about the wonderful luxury items they were buying while I was driving an 18 year old car with no working heater and sitting on alternate hands to try and stop them hurting from the cold.

What storm said.

Frankly the fact that you expect it means you shouldn’t get it. You sound really grabby to be honest. Be thankful you did have any help and are better off than many others

I totally understand where OP is coming from. My parents are on min wage but still gave me a couple of thousand pounds to help me get on the housing ladder. DH's parents are middle class business owners but didn't give him a penny. When our DS was born my parents bought him a pram and cot, several outfits and a bank account containing £1k. DH's parents bought him one outfit and a stuffed toy.

Imo these attitudes are passed down... I wanted to set up a monthly payment into DS savings account but DH said "no that's our money to spend on us". If I find a pound coin when doing laundry I pop it in DS piggy bank... DH pops it in his own wallet.

Gosh there are some really grabby people here and I dont mean the op. Pondering on the reverse psychology of those who are calling her grabby when all she would like is a supportive family. I very much doubt she, op, would be here posting if her parents were wonderful, warm but just simply skint.

My parents can't afford to help me. They only got on the property ladder 10 years ago themselves so they still have a mortgage to pay off and neither are particularly high earners. They are better off than me (single parent on minimum wage) - they will buy me bits and bobs for my flat but could never afford to help me with a house deposit.

Be thankful that you are a homeowner. I won't be for the foreseeable future. I'm not bitter about it, I didn't make some great decisions in life but it's really irritating seeing people who are actually not that badly off moan about being hard done by.

@BettyBaggins thank you, yes if they were wonderful in other ways but couldn’t afford to help then of course I wouldn’t expect a thing, that’s a totally different situation to coming from a family who could afford to help but don’t, and watch you struggle.

It’s not eating me up inside or anything, until I met DH I thought my situation was normal, it’s only once I’ve become a parent that I realised I wouldn’t treat my own daughter the way my parents treat me, not just financially but emotionally too.

Tbh, all the posters talking about their parents' 'hard earned' cash are irrelevant, the OP is talking about inheritance which is hardly hard earned.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. My parents are absolutely devoted to their children from an emotional standpoint, and I still find it hard to understand why they have done nothing to help us out financially when we have had a really tough year. (They live mortgage free with a combined income of about £100k, so resources are not an issue.)

Betty, I suggested to the OP that she go and visit her parents, speak to them to find out why they're emotionally distant. That's what I would do anyway. I can't find anywhere in OP's posts any examples of distance that aren't related to money.

OP's wedding - her Mum seemed self-absorbed but OP talks only about having to pay for her Mum's blow dry. I would have been gutted if my Mum wouldn't have taken an interest in my wedding, paying for a hairdo wouldn't have registered quite frankly but not the OP... it's all about the money.

Would they have helped out in an emergency? Don't know, there hasn't been one that OP has mentioned.

I'm wondering if this is why her parents are keeping it from her? I would be reassuring them that I'm not after their money but then again, I'm not the OP. It's just a bit distasteful as that seems to be the be all and end all of it - money is the demonstration of love/affection and anything else cannot be quantified.

There's not enough information from the OP for either 'side' to make assumptions really, OP is leaping on the posts that she likes the sound of.

But the problem is that the op is coming across as grabby and entitled because she is measuring their love in terms of money. She states they were wonderful in other ways. Love is demonstrated in being supportive of life choices, expressing loving words, affection etc but she hasn't mentioned this. And whinging about how hard it is to get on the property ladder when she has been given tens of thousands of pounds by her in laws and is on the property ladder is quite frankly insulting to those who have had no help and actually really are struggling to get on the ladder. I stand by what I say. She needs to get over herself and realise how bloody fortunate she really is

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe in answer to your question, no, they haven’t helped me out in a crisis, their solution is always that I’d have to do without, not just money but actual help and advice and god forbid I inconvenience them in any way. I won’t go into details and I’m sure other people had much worse upbringings than me.

@witchifzog I’m measuring their love in terms of money because there have been situations where they were in a position to help me, with money, but chose not to, and I’m not talking about huge sums of money.

In terms of being supportive and showing affection they haven’t helped me out much there either, there were plenty of times they could have supported me but instead gave me very poor advice.

I’ve never received any money from my parents .
Did anyone give them money when they were starting out ?

@PurpleTigerLove yes, their wedding was paid for by their parents as was their first car.

I think some people are missing the point here.
Of course some adults get zero financial assistance from their parents/PIL.
OP is grateful for help from PIL. The point is about having unsupportive parents and that this is hurtful, especially when thrown into relief by PIL who are supportive.
OP is not grabby, she is talking about her feelings in a difficult relationship.