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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Bank of Mum and Dad

155 replies

Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:01

I know I am being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling hurt by this.

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

My parents and my in laws are in roughly the same financial situation, both have professional careers and at a guess have a household income of £50k-£60k, both bought houses in the early 90s for about £45k, both got inheritances about 10 years ago of around £100k. The only difference is that my parents have never given me a penny for university, my wedding or house purchase, whereas DHs parents saved all his child benefits for him so he’s got a nice lump sum, they paid his uni fees and gave him an allowance so he’s got no student debt, they gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

I know that DHs parents are just really really generous but I can’t help but feel resentful that my parents spent a £100k inheritance on holidays and clothes but didn’t even put a small amount aside to help me with a house deposit or put a small amount in savings for their granddaughter.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 29/05/2018 21:03

I'm sorry but I think YABU, it's their money, they spend it how they like. If that involves giving it away then fine, if not it's theirs to decide.

CantankerousCamel · 29/05/2018 21:03

Doesn’t sound like they need to

Uchafi · 29/05/2018 21:03

It's their money. You can't help how you feel but yabu. You're in a luckier position than most, atleast you've had help so you haven't gone without. Your in-laws giving you both a deposit, large wedding gift and paying towards it has helped you out just as much. Be greatful. Many people like myself have never recieved from anyone.

Surfingwhippet · 29/05/2018 21:05

Why shouldn't they spend their money how they want.

Your DH parents obviously get pleasure from seeing their children happy.

I think it also depends how many children you have. If you can't give to all your children equally why give to any

Osopolar · 29/05/2018 21:06

I sympathise OP. It is of course their money but I can't imagine not helping my child with a deposit, wedding etc if I had the means to do so.

lou1221 · 29/05/2018 21:07

Are you for real? This can't be true surely? If it is true, then count your blessings that you have benefitted from your in laws.

mavismcruet · 29/05/2018 21:07

You got how much from your inlaws??? Shock

MsHopey · 29/05/2018 21:07

I agree with PP.
Someone had helped you thanks to your DH parents. Most people are in a position these days to have nothing now and nothing when their parents die. It's a shame your family blew it, but at least you've had help from somewhere which is more than alot of people can say.

BlueBug45 · 29/05/2018 21:08

It is your parents and in-laws money to do what they please with, so you have no say. However unless your parents provide you with practical help you know which set you will go out of your way to help if they become ill.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/05/2018 21:09

I think your parents should have helped you, but you have received that help via your dh's parents so you have had a big advantage over those of us who had no financial help from either side.

hildabaker · 29/05/2018 21:09

I can see both sides. Your parents could have made things easier for you, at points in your life, but instead just spoilt themselves instead. But, as others have said, they don't have to help you.

But it would have been nice. Just enough to show that they care. Not like they couldn't afford it.

Original poster
Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:09

@Osopolar Exactly, I know it’s their money but when I look at my baby dd I can’t imagine having a £100k windfall and not putting something away for her to help her when she’s older.

Fair enough if they used it for debts or to pay off the mortgage but one of the holidays they went on was a cruise that cost them £10k!

OP posts:
Spudina · 29/05/2018 21:10

I've never had a penny off my parents. It's annoying when you know they have money (and when they spend it on your step family!) but I actually use it as a sort of badge of honour. Everything I have done/own (uni/house buying/wedding/children) I have done on my own. I owe them literally nothing. They can never hold it over me. Looking at it that way helps. But I know what you mean...

Pebblespony · 29/05/2018 21:11

You don't need the money either. You got far more from DHs parents than most people already. I got a few grand loan and I was very grateful.

Osopolar · 29/05/2018 21:11

This is my consolation Spudina, have had zero financial, practical or emotional support from my parents so when it comes to care in their old age good luck to them

Allthebestnamesareused · 29/05/2018 21:11

It is of course up to them but if their household income is only £50k then £100k is not a life changing amount in the grand scheme of things. They may have treated themselves to holidays and clothes and put the rest away for retirement.

Your parents may also have felt they didn't need to contribute as the in laws were so generous.

MaisyPops · 29/05/2018 21:12

Different people have different attitudes to money.

Personally, I would want to help adult children get a foot up onto the property ladder but wouldn't want to fund their weddings. I'd get joy knowing I'd helped a family member because say £5000 to my child to help with a move is by far a better use of money than £5000 worth of clothes.

Some people are very focused on acquiring lots of material possessions and enjoy indulging. That's their choice.

I would be a bit Hmm of anyone who expected a significant handout though.

Momo18 · 29/05/2018 21:14

Yabu. Be grateful someone helped you, most of us get zero and tbh I don't expect it. Just because someone is generous it doesn't make others obliged to be too.

MrsExpo · 29/05/2018 21:14

I can see where you’re coming from with this. Not to contribute to your wedding or uni education, when they were in a position to do so, seems extremely mean. Most parents would have at least contributed to these things if possible, I’m sure. The house purchase is another matter, however.

HolyMountain · 29/05/2018 21:15

They gave you £50,000 deposit for s house and more.....Shock

They clearly had a lot of money to give away and still enjoy their own lifestyle.

Don’t begrudge your parents spending their money on themselves.

Moussemoose · 29/05/2018 21:17

I got nothing from my parents.

OP I know how you feel, I am now saving to help my DC, paying for uni and doing what I can. This generation have such a tough time buying houses the idea of spending all that money on me when my kids need help is appalling.

It is their money, they don't have to help you, but my every instinct is to help my children. I find it strange my parents didn't want to help. I want to help my DC.

falang · 29/05/2018 21:19

You've had nearly 60k given to you on a plate and you're moaning because you want more? YABVVVU

Eastcoastmost · 29/05/2018 21:20

I sympathize, OP. Exact same position here. DH’s DP have given us a considerable amount over the years (though with attached conditions), mine have done nothing. It’s fine, whatever, but like you, I can’t imagine watching my own DC struggle and not putting my hand in my pocket. It’s also really noticeable with PILs as they’ve contributed to school fees and you can almost hear them thinking, why don’t her parents help out for once? Again, everyone makes their own choices but it’s an odd position to be in, knowing they could help if they wanted to but choose not to.

SluttyButty · 29/05/2018 21:21

My parents are very well off as are my husbands.
Neither of sets have given us huge amounts. The odd 1k as a gift but nothing more. We don't expect them to spend their extremely hard earned money on us.

Original poster
Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:21

I know what you’re all saying, I know we’re really lucky that DHs parents have been so generous, we wouldn’t be on the housing ladder without them and our quality of life would be so much worse.

I suppose most of why I feel this way is jealousy and embarrassment, it’s obvious how much his parents love him whereas mine have never spent more than they were legally required to, growing up everything was 2nd hand and we never went to a theme park or on holiday or out to a restaurant and then as soon as they got their inheritance they spent it all on themselves.

Probably if I hadn’t seen how generous DHs parents were it wouldn’t bother me so much.

OP posts:
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