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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Bank of Mum and Dad

155 replies

Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 21:01

I know I am being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling hurt by this.

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

My parents and my in laws are in roughly the same financial situation, both have professional careers and at a guess have a household income of £50k-£60k, both bought houses in the early 90s for about £45k, both got inheritances about 10 years ago of around £100k. The only difference is that my parents have never given me a penny for university, my wedding or house purchase, whereas DHs parents saved all his child benefits for him so he’s got a nice lump sum, they paid his uni fees and gave him an allowance so he’s got no student debt, they gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

I know that DHs parents are just really really generous but I can’t help but feel resentful that my parents spent a £100k inheritance on holidays and clothes but didn’t even put a small amount aside to help me with a house deposit or put a small amount in savings for their granddaughter.

OP posts:
Snowman123 · 29/05/2018 22:07

Maybe your parents are living beyond their means.

I can't imagine being in a good position financially, inheriting a large sum of money and not wanting to share it with my family.

So no.... I don't think your being unreasonable.

Cherrysherbet · 29/05/2018 22:09

If I won the lottery tomorrow, my first thought would be that my children will have financial security. That would be my priority. I would certainly make sure they had everything they needed/wanted before considering myself. Isn't that what being a parent is about? Putting your children first, no matter how old they are. I certainly wouldn't go off on expensive holidays without sharing my good fortune with my family. I think it's very odd tbh.

MargaretCavendish · 29/05/2018 22:09

I don't know why people keep comparing it to parents who don't have any money to give their adult children - it's obviously completely different to not be able to than to choose not to. OP wouldn't feel like this if her parents clearly didn't have the money to give.

sunnydaynoworking · 29/05/2018 22:09

I don’t think the OP is asking for more money than she’s had. I suspect she’d have been happy with less money if it had come partly from her own parents as well as the in laws. She’s not entitled to it but most loving parents do what they can to make life easier for their kids.

Pengggwn · 29/05/2018 22:10

They went on a 10k cruise with their own money. Can't see why you would moan about that.

The MN thing about banking child benefit weirds me out. It's not money for the child, it is money to help with the costs of raising the child.

DerelictWreck · 29/05/2018 22:12

I agree with you OP.

To people saying 'it's their money' it isn't really is it. They got given £100K but didn't see the value in ensuring their child got given even 10% of it!

In our family any inherited money is always treated as family money, to be looked after and invested for the next generation as well, not just for us to spend now on crap that'll mean nothing in a few years time.

JustHereForThePooStories · 29/05/2018 22:13

OP, I get where you’re coming from.

My ILs have always been very comfortable. Never had a mortgage (inherited their home), inherited money, good income etc. they had one child but never, ever put anything away for him. They had an opportunity to buy a house when he was 12 that was going for a song and is now worth more than ten times what they would have paid for it. They spend a lot on holidays and new cars.

Luckily, DH and I have never needed money from parents so it’s never been something we’ve discussed. I just find it interesting that two bright people wouldn’t look at a booming housing market and realise that the house they could buy for cash and rent out would pay for itself and set their only child up for life.

I’m very much a “speculate to accumulate” type person so I just find their approach odd. It is all about attitudes though, as DH finds my family’s approach to money strange.

Horses for courses.

CookieDoughKid · 29/05/2018 22:14

Op you are not unreasonable at all. It isn't about how much you've been given by in laws but the inequality of the situation. I don't understand why have kids at all and not give them a little help if you can afford it.

My parents are poor and save pennies to give to me. A £50 here and there. Boxes of food and clothing for my dcs every time I go home several times a year. And gifts for my dcs at birthday times. Yet my in laws give 2 small presents a year to my dcs. One at Christmas and one on their birthday usually just a fiver in an envelope but they are in their final salary pensions and have multiple homes worth over millions. Tight don't even begin to describe them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 22:14

We all have difference reference points. My dad is/was a gambler, nearly lost our house when we'd just moved. Four kids under 6. My poor Mum. :(

I won't inherit from my Mum, I've told her not to leave anything to me, I'd rather she uses her money for herself to have some fun with now. That's important to me - that I have happy memories of her not scrimping but enjoying her life a bit with what money can do. My brothers have already been helped out. I don't care what my dad does, not interested any longer. If my Mum needs me later on, I'll be there.

OP - you're not unreasonable to feel how you feel, you can't help that. You are though extremely fortunate in a way that many people are not. Who will inherit your parents' home when they die? Presumably you? Also, do you know what the terms of their wills are? They may well have left provision for your daughter.

Have to say it thought, it would make you a bit mean if you actually do intend to not help your parents if they needed you when they're elderly. That £100 in your daughter's bank, you could put that in there yourself, you have enough. Are you saying that they don't buy her presents at Christmas or on her birthday? What do your parents actually do for you/your husband - and their grandchild? Are you the only child?

LighthouseSouth · 29/05/2018 22:14

@SurfingWhippet

"Why shouldn't they spend their money how they want.

Your DH parents obviously get pleasure from seeing their children happy. "

Wow. I feel for you OP.

RedDwarves · 29/05/2018 22:15

Money has nothing to do with love. His parents don't love him more because they gave him a 50k deposit. Yours don't love you less because they didn't. Don't equate the two.

Most people don't get anywhere near 50k (if anything at all), even if their parents are in a stable financial position. But most people don't make the assumption that their parents don't love them because of it.

witchofzog · 29/05/2018 22:15

I have had NOTHING from any family member. I have struggled all my life and have £14k to show for my 40 years that I have scrimped and saved to achieve. I just hope it is not too late for me to get on the property ladder. Oh and my parents were utter shits to me too. You are really bloody lucky that you have had support and help from your dh's parents and quite frankly need to get over yourself. I would love to be in your position. Yabvu

Rachie1973 · 29/05/2018 22:16

Gingerbreadwoman82
@Osopolar Exactly, I know it’s their money but when I look at my baby dd I can’t imagine having a £100k windfall and not putting something away for her to help her when she’s older.

Fair enough if they used it for debts or to pay off the mortgage but one of the holidays they went on was a cruise that cost them £10k!

We inherited from my In Laws in 2016. About 250k. We bought a house with the bulk of it. We've also paid for a dream trip to Italy next year for ourselves.

We've put out dribs and drabs as various kids have needed it, but none have been given lump sums for deposits etc,

They will have their share when we pop our clogs and they inherit in turn.

cadburyegg · 29/05/2018 22:16

I also don't think YANBU.

Different families have different attitudes to money and I was raised that money my parents had was "family money" and should be used appropriately. If I am lucky enough to inherit any substantial amount then a lot of it we intend to save to pass on to our DCs when they need it (house deposit etc).

I also don't understand why someone would choose not to help their DCs if they could.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 29/05/2018 22:16

Fair enough if they used it for debts or to pay off the mortgage but one of the holidays they went on was a cruise that cost them £10k!

So if they'd have had a £10K holiday before they'd inherited the money, rung up debts to do so, and then paid them off with the inheritance - that would have been ok? But because they waited and had the holiday when they could afford it without getting into debt - that's selfish? For this alone YABU.

Original poster
Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 22:17

@MargaretCavendish you’re exactly right, if they couldn’t have afforded holidays or new clothes then that would be that, but they could, they just preferred to spend their money on things that benefitted them like a new sofa every year and expensive tech that never got used.

I know money doesn’t equal love but having the means to help and depriving your children of it certainly sends a message.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 29/05/2018 22:19

I think they should help a little ...they would still have loads left.

MargaretCavendish · 29/05/2018 22:19

Who will inherit your parents' home when they die? Presumably you? Also, do you know what the terms of their wills are? They may well have left provision for your daughter.

Again, I think people need to get past this expectation that everyone will inherit from their parents. People are living longer, and with that the number of people who will need long-term care before they die is rocketing. One in six over 80s has dementia. For an awful lot of OP's generation there isn't going to be an inheritance.

witchofzog · 29/05/2018 22:21

You are not being deprived of anything op. It is their money and although it would have been nice if they could have given you some if they could afford it, they have no obligation to at all. You need to take responsibility for yourself and realise that you are not owed anything.

malificent7 · 29/05/2018 22:22

Money dosnt equal love but refusing to help is a bit harsh tbh....
In my experience this is often accompanied by a ' we had it tough' attitude......

bastardkitty · 29/05/2018 22:23

It does send a message. They were extravagant, wasteful even, without considering your needs. I hope they have realistic expectations of you as a daughter as they're getting older. They would be foolish to expect you to make sacrifices for them.

Winebottle · 29/05/2018 22:25

It is the same for me and I resent it to.

The "you are on your own" attitude works both ways though. If their money is their's to spend, then my time is mine to spend, including not seeing them.

I see them because I enjoy seeing them but if they become a burden when they get older, they can forget it. Why should I alter my life to account for their needs when they have not done the same?

I would do anything for my in laws though.

cadburyegg · 29/05/2018 22:26

And those saying "well my DC will inherit my money when I die"... not always the case. Care fees can swallow the majority if not all of an estate.

Plus a lot of the time people inherit money from their parents when they are 50s/60s... often too late to get a mortgage/to use towards a house deposit. If someone could benefit from the money earlier, i.e. in their 20s/30s, it makes more sense to gift it at that time.

But my DC being happy and a bit more financially stable is more important to me than a nice holiday.

Original poster
Gingerbreadwoman82 · 29/05/2018 22:28

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I know they don’t have wills, they don’t see the need as I’m the only child.

I don’t expect to get a penny from them as an inheritance, they’ve said they plan to sell their house and move into one of those retirement village things when they’re older.

They live a couple of hours away from us so they don’t do anything for us.

Of course I would help them if they needed it though, I promise I am still a good person despite being jealous of my DH and his relationship with his parents.

OP posts:
Jesuisleloup · 29/05/2018 22:30

Give the money back to your DHs parents then both sets of parents are equal

Or be grateful for what you have and appreciate your parents as people not just providers of things

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