AIBU Bank of Mum and Dad

[Gingerbreadwoman82]

I know I am being unreasonable but I can’t help feeling hurt by this.

I read on the BBC today that the bank of Mum and Dad is giving on average £18k for house deposits.

My parents and my in laws are in roughly the same financial situation, both have professional careers and at a guess have a household income of £50k-£60k, both bought houses in the early 90s for about £45k, both got inheritances about 10 years ago of around £100k. The only difference is that my parents have never given me a penny for university, my wedding or house purchase, whereas DHs parents saved all his child benefits for him so he’s got a nice lump sum, they paid his uni fees and gave him an allowance so he’s got no student debt, they gave us £50k house deposit and gave us £3k towards our wedding and a £6k wedding present. They’ve also put a substantial amount of money in DDs account when she was born.

I know that DHs parents are just really really generous but I can’t help but feel resentful that my parents spent a £100k inheritance on holidays and clothes but didn’t even put a small amount aside to help me with a house deposit or put a small amount in savings for their granddaughter.

Gingerbread... I get that. I do. Why is your thread about MONEY? What amount of money would make the lack of support ok? None, right? That's what wrong with your posts in my opinion, they are ALL focused on money.

We all have crises from time to time in our lives and emotional support is priceless. If you don't get that from your parents then I'm very sorry, genuinely. What are you going to do about that? Have you ever asked them why they are unable to offer you this sort of support? Are they genuinely clueless when it comes to offering you a shoulder, some solidarity and compassion?

You see the point... all you've talked about is money and how they haven't given you any. The emotional support seems 'bolted on' somehow to divert posters' attention from the fact that money is what you actually want from them.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I’ve talked about money because that’s what my original post was about, the emotional support I’ve been able to get from elsewhere, DH and friends. But honestly I could write a hundred posts about the crap situations I’ve ended up in because they’ve pushed me into doing things their way or how they didn’t believe I was being bullied at school or convinced me to end friendships because ‘you don’t need friends’.

The money thing really hit me because of the contrast with DH and a couple of family members bringing it up with me recently.

I know you’re suggesting to talk to them, but I don’t want to have to beg for emotional support, they’re not the worst people in the world, just quite self involved and if I tried to speak to them about it they’d just brush it off, I don’t think they could change something so deeply ingrained.

I think it must perhaps be a generational thing because I feel the same about my Mum in a lot of ways, she's extremely self-absorbed. I was thinking about you earlier and I wondered to myself if I would feel differently about my Mum if she wasn't on her own, if she'd had a decent(ish) husband and had support herself because of that? I concluded that I would feel differently because I wouldn't give her the enormous leeway that I have.

I wonder if the contrast at the moment is just too stark and that's why you're brought into sharp relief about the money side of things? It must be quite obvious to you and to your husband - and to his side of the family - that things aren't equal here.

But, as you say, you can't talk to your parents, can't get them to change now so my only advice to you would be to make your peace with them. There's nothing else to be done. They won't change and you won't be pacified because of that. You have your own family now and your own opportunities to do for your daughter what you in laws did for you and your husband - and that your parents sadly didn't do for you.

Make your peace with them and forget this, it really will eat you up if you let it and that would be a tragedy.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe you’re right, everything I do in life I try to think “be the better person” so I wouldn’t ever abandon them or not help if they needed it like some posters suggested.

I think if you live your life to 'be the better person' you will be on a hiding to nothing. Be somebody that you respect, that you like, that you can look in the mirror and face each day - and let that be enough for you to have peace with yourself.

That's what I think anyway. Nobody has the 'rule book' on what constitutes the better person. Aim for 'happy person without hurting others if you can help it'. Measure your worth by what you are, what others whose opinions you value - think of you. Don't compare what you have with other people. Previous poster commented on 'comparison being the thief of joy' and that is absolutely true.

You have a lot going for you, focus on that.