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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ambu to refuse sacked and broke MIL to move in with us?

182 replies

Peachypop · 26/04/2018 21:38

So now my alcoholic MIL has been let go off her job and she's not got anywhere to go and she wants to move in with me, my DP and a 7 month old dd. Ambu for saying 2 weeks only, I know she's down but it's my maternity leave and I want to spend it with my daughter, it's the time I'm never going to get back and we don't really get on. My DP says we should agree a month but I know this will end up in a big argument and I just want to save us that.

So fed up of my parents and DP's parents constantly expecting financial help from us when we now have our own little family to look after. They should have planned for their retirement/bad times! So irresponsible! Makes me look like a horrible daughter in law but I just want to focus on my baby now!

It appears that she's completely broke, with no family or friends and nowhere to go. DP offered for her to stay in his flat (indefinitely) and pay the mortgage but he's waiting for his tenants to move out meaning she needs to stay somewhere for a month. And she wants to stay with us.... :/

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 26/04/2018 21:40

No yanbu, and your DP should put his family first instead of enabling an alcoholic. Even if she is his Mum.

LittleOwl153 · 26/04/2018 21:41

Nope don't let her stay at all. You will not get her to move on! Ypu wont get this time again and she will overshadow the rest of your time.

twohandstwokids · 26/04/2018 21:42

Wow. That's a tough one. I wouldn't want an alcoholic around my baby. But if it is between 2 weeks and one month just do the one month. As long as you know she is definitely out after a month. It is awful of your MIL to put DH in this position. Maybe have conditions that there is no drinking in the home or something.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/04/2018 21:50

Absolutely not. It’ll be you putting up with her all day every day. Not him if he’s at work.

If he’s got somewhere for her to stay longer term, and that’s also a grim idea if he’s choosing to forego the income on it for the rest of her life, then she can wait till it’s available.

Put your foot down. No way would I put up with this. You focus on your baby and your time on maternity.

And stop bailing out your parents while you’re at it!

You have your OWN family. They’re your first priority.

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/04/2018 21:52

No to anytime - once she's in you'll never get her out

WeAllHaveWings · 26/04/2018 21:53

Nope, I wouldn't let any alcoholic stay. I would help her as much as I could (take her to council to get emergency housing, help her budget, small amount of money if I could afford to lose it, give her AA leaflets etc), take her to GP if she wanted help, but she wouldn't be staying with me with a new baby.

She also wouldn't be staying in a rental property if I owned one especially if she is likely to be unreliable with rent.

HollowTalk · 26/04/2018 21:54

No, I'd rather pay for her to go to a Travel Lodge. You won't get rid of her in a fortnight, OP, and she'll drive you nuts.

maxthemartian · 26/04/2018 21:56

If she's a broke alcoholic she'll probably trash the flat and not pay any rent.

MyNameIsTotoro · 26/04/2018 21:57

Definitely not unreasonable! I wouldn't let my alcoholic parent stay in those circumstances, and I certainly wouldn't be paying their rent on another property!

Sometimes we need to let people hit rock bottom so they can sort themselves out quicker in the long run. Having her live with you just enables her and ruins your life.

I appreciate alcoholism may be seen as a disease but ime the alcoholic absolutely has choices, and one of them is not to drag everyone else down with them.

Narnia72 · 26/04/2018 22:04

NO, definitely not unreasonable. I wouldn't want an alcoholic around my child.

Please show your husband all our responses, he really shouldn't be asking this of you. I do understand that it's his mum and he feels responsible for her, but if she's got into such a state she is not going to be easy to be around and will doubtless be drinking (and sorry to say, possibly drinking any alcohol you have in the house, and taking money to buy alcohol).

Unless she's in a recovery programme I really wouldn't want her near. Having watched a friend have to deal with an alcoholic husband who was in complete denial, yet taking money out of her purse and hiding the bottles under the mouldings in the car so she wouldn't see them (WTF) I would say be firm, even if it causes problems with your husband. There will be far worse to deal with down the line when she's in your house.

Alcoholics have to hit rock bottom and want to seek help before there is any hope of a change of lifestyle. She will ruin your house, your marriage and your life if you let her in.

Sorry, I know this will put you in a horrible position with your husband, but don't let him do it. And don't let him "give" her your flat either.

TemptressofWaikiki · 26/04/2018 22:06

She would not even stay a day if it were me. Why would you have an alcoholic around your child?

Lunde · 26/04/2018 22:11

I wouldn't let an unreliable alcoholic stay in these circumstances - the risk is that she will never agree to leave as living rent free will be more money for her alcohol

Cornishclio · 26/04/2018 22:11

An alcoholic round a young baby. Nope, I would not. Your DH will be out all day presumably so it is grossly unfair to expect you to have to put up with her. You can also bet that she will not pay the mortgage on your DHs flat meaning you will have to. She should go to the council and declare herself homeless.

Gemini69 · 26/04/2018 22:12

she will be dependent on your DP for the rest of her life now... if this plan goes ahead... Flowers

CoffeeOrSleep · 26/04/2018 22:12

Why is she losing her home? Has she been evicted or is it that she can't afford the rent? Have you checked if she's entitled to housing benefit and helped her claim? If she moves in, will she be seen as 'adequately housed' and not entitled to help?

It won't be only 2 weeks, nothing is going to change in a fortnight to give her somewhere to live.

Storm4star · 26/04/2018 22:13

If she is an alcoholic then there is absolutely no way she will be able to go the month without drinking. I think your being generous offering two weeks! I wouldn’t want her there at all.

As for the rental, well won’t you then be losing money as a couple as you could have rented it out to someone who’d pay? It is not your families responsibility to pay for the parents on either side in these types of scenarios.

However, I don’t think you’ll get much luck from the council (though that does depend where you live). But I would be looking at other options for her. Get her into a private rental with housing benefit. She would need a deposit but overall that would be cheaper then losing rent on the property you own.

CocoaGin · 26/04/2018 22:15

It would be a No from me. She's a liability. Tell her to get help to dry out, and then you will consider helping her too.

kissthealderman · 26/04/2018 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

calzone · 26/04/2018 22:16

Absolutely no way.

Skinandbones · 26/04/2018 22:16

She has no money so what is she going to use to buy her booze. If you don't give her money would she take and sell items from your house?
The other thing to ask is would she be a danger to your baby and your home.
Sorry but I would have to tell her no.

llangennith · 26/04/2018 22:17

Don’t let her stay for even a minute!

lljkk · 26/04/2018 22:19

I need to understand more about the alcoholism. What it means.
My mom was alcoholic & I have a low tolerance for addicts.
I also sniff double standards in this.
Bet OP wouldn't be so resistant if it was her own mother.

Also If the roles were reversed, most mothers would let their alcoholic sons stay for a month+ or until they proved themselves impossible to live with.
There is a flat for the lady to stay in so max. 1 month. And she has No Where else to go. OP wants her DH to make his mom homeless. Big Ask.

dingdongdigeridoo · 26/04/2018 22:20

It sounds like she needs professional help, not enabling. I feel sorry for your tenants getting moved on so she can move in. Once she’s in that flat you can be damn sure she won’t work again, and unless she’s paying rent and has a proper tenancy agreement, she won’t get housing benefit. Her money will be spent on more drink and this will probably go on for her whole life. You could be dealing with this nonsense for 20 years. Your DH needs to set some very firm ground rules about her getting treatment and making serious efforts to turn things around.

HeddaGarbled · 26/04/2018 22:20

You are being very generous to agree to two weeks. Your partner is a fool if he thinks she'll be paying the mortgage on his flat with no job and an alcohol addiction.

Could you say to him that you won't have her in your home, even for the two weeks, unless she takes active steps to address the addiction?

Mrsmadevans · 26/04/2018 22:21

Don't have her to stay whatever you do . Make her go to the council and be declared homeless so the council will have to rehouse her. In a hostel or wherever. She is not your responsibility OP and you have her there for 2 weeks where is she going after that?